lay your fragile head down close your life beaten eyes dive deep to reach what you don't know make the subconscience the conscience climb the mountain in your heart and swim the ocean in your eyes reach the other side the side they call reality under take your task with pride assure yourself you're ready but before you go close your eyes and kiss me one last time meh... i don't like it very much... it needs something but i don't know what... anyone have any ideas????
There are some lines that sparkle...'climb the mountain in your heart/swim the ocean in your eyes'. Love 'em. If you want to move it up a tier, shorten some of the scans: Lay your head down Close your beaten eyes Dive to reach what you don't know And bring it where your conscience lies....something like that. Good luck!
i agree w/ the above...some of the lines are too wordy...i do the same thing a lot of the time...just work on flow a little....
alright, i changed the ending but i still think it needs something. should i keep something at the end about a goodbye (but before you go close your eyes and kiss me one last time)???? lay your fragile head down close your life beaten eyes dive to reach what you don't know make the subconscious conscious climb the mountain in your heart and swim the ocean in your eyes reach the other side the side they call reality under take your task with pride assure yourself you're ready let nothing get in your way your way into yourself
