Homosexuality/family/society/ Stay or move on ? I need help...

Hi,



I have been going out for a year and a half with my girlfriend. We are both 30, foreigner, living in Barcelona in Spain. She's Russian and I am French. For both of us it was a kind of "love at the first sight" with the feeling that we've known each other before we met. Everything was perfect until we came to reality, until the moment we had to start to talk about serious matters, about a real future together, about a family, about having children and being an homosexual couple etc...

She was the first one to come up with the idea of a future together until the day we went to Russia together and had to face reality and her mum's eyes and realised she couldn't tell her anything about it...She could'nt.So we started to fight and having serious discussions...



For me it's my first serious relationship with someone. I discovered my homosexuality (or bisexulaity ? but now I have it clear I want to share my life with a woman) only three years ago but never had real problem to accept myself and to come out. It was love that I felt and I was able to tell the whole world about it if I had to !!!!

Si I have told my parents about it. My mum is not super happy with the news but she's in the process of acceptation. Anyway, wether people like it or not that's what it is and it's My life !



On the other hand, my girlfriend, (who had been married for more than 6 years with a guy and has got divorced when she realised (along with tremendous sufferings) she was in love with a girl and could no longer stand any sexual relationship with him) has never been able to tell her family (I mean at least her mum since her dad passt away two years ago) about her homosexuality. (Well, at least, she has told it to her dear friends and some colleagues of her at work)



The problem, for me is that she doesn't show any intention of doing so as it could "hurt her mum double" since her sister is also a lesbian and has told her family about it. Her mum doesn't want to hear anything about it and thinks it's a "real shame to have given birth to a girl like this"...



So I am just lost right now. I don't know what to do. I feel especially down since she told me her brother is going to spend three months in Barcelona and stay at her home. She doesn't want him to know anything about it. (well they havn't seen each other for several years and have never really got on well) So to his eyes, we are supposed to be just friends. I am extremely tired of having to hide myself at the age of 30. It makes me feel stressed and not valued at all. She said she loves me and if she had to lose me she would suffer a lot and if we had to break up she will problably regret it, but she doesn't want to really speak about a future with me. (All the more as she told me that kids- and she really want to have some- need their dad's model to grow up in the best conditions) She just says she doesn't exclude me of her future but do not show me any willingness either. She can just tell joke with an ironic tone such as : don't worry our kids won'be like this or like that...



So now girls, I would like to know if you have already lived a situation like this, to what conclusion you came and what happened. Did you break up or did you wait patiently until she felt ready to face reality and accept things how they are...Don't you think she should first solve her internal dilemna on her own before ? What do you think ?



Thanks a million for your support.



Caroline

 

i feel your pain. i don't know that i can be much help, because there wasn't much resolution to my story. but know that you aren't alone.

i was married to a woman who had never had a lesbian relationship before. we fell in love, and it was amazing. she did tell her family, and as a result was disowned. we were married for about a year, (though it wasn't legal, as at that time it was not legal for homosexual couples to marry) and i wanted kids. she had a lot of issues about that, as she had gotten pregnant at a very young age as a result of family sexual abuse... but she too felt that children should be raised with a dad and a mom, rather than two moms.

it lead to a lot of big fights, and eventually we took some time apart, during which time she became very depressed, and committed suicide. i wasn't able to be very patient with her, because i had come out years before, and i was fully committed to living a completely lesbian life. but it is very hard when you are with someone who is afraid to be open about who they are with their family, yet continues to see their family, thus leading a double life. i think for myself, i would refuse to be with someone who is trying to hide me from aspects of their life because they are not completely out of the closet. i would say that if i'm to be just a friend in someone's eyes, then i need to be just a friend. i'm just not at a point in my life where i can tolerate those games.

but big hugs to you, no matter what you decide. it's not easy, either way.

 

Big hugs to you too from Barcelona..

Caroline

 

I'd like to contribute some hugs too. I think it's hard to say what to do, because it'll be apparent with time that she's ready to change or is never going to change.

It can be so, so hard to be placed in a position where you have to choose either your family or your lover...