I came out to one "person".

First off, sorry that this is so freaking long. I don't expect many people to answer me, but here is my story.

Last night, I was feeling really depressed. My mother and grandmother are out of state, and my sister ais here because she is sick and I have to take care of her. This is not what depressed me though. Anyone that knows me knows that I am emotionally "unstable", meaning it's easy to hurt me and make me cry lol. I do, however, hold in my anger, fear, and frustration, but somehow relieve my sadness from all of them.

I am someone that, no one, would suspect is Gay. I act like a normal straight guy, when deep down, i know I'm different. Actually.. I consider myself Bi. I've always known that I've been different from everyone else. i'm through with denying it. Somethings that I find different about myself, is that, I'd rather chat to adults than people my own age. I'd rather hang around with girls than guys. I like dramatic films and stuff (others too obv). You know; little things like that.

I go to school with a guy, whose name is Joe. He's a grade ahead of me. Joe is a petite, good looking, just all around sexy guy. He is Bi, and has come out. I, on the other hand, am a tall, over-weight, shy kid who has a low self esteem. Perfect match.. yeah. Right.

Like I said no one knows I'm bi...

except him.

As is said, last night I was depressed, and had to tell him I had feelings for him. I annonymously told him that I loved him, but I eventually came out and told him who it was. It still makes my stomach sick when I think about it. I can't believe I did that. My problem is, I try to convince myself to be straight, because no one in my family would accept me, except for my mom and sister. I have a big family. (14 1st cousins alone). SO I told him how i feel, which I guess is a rather different approach of coming out than most of you have seen, I guess. I thought about coming out to my friends first, or my sister (who still don't know). But I just needed to tell him.

I asked Joe for advice on how to come out, before he knew who I was. He told me some (like, he wrote a note to his mom who told everyone else, and he cried to his friends, who accepted).

I don't know what I am getting at, but I'm sure you all think I'm a whack job. haha. I'm having a hard time at this, because, i guess Honestly, I don't want to be gay, but-- I am, and that's me. can't help it. Just today I got asked to the school Christmass Ball by a girl. I said, fine, even though I didn't want to (I'm a sucker, i have a hard time saying No. I've had my feelings hurt so much, i don't like to hurt others and let them down). But, that's my story..... Any advice on how to come out to my friends, and family? I'm thinking about telling my friends on the phone in... 30 minutes lol. And my sister first.



Here is an entry from my Myspace blog about my experience if you're interested:





Letters of the Keyboard


There are 26 letters in the alphabet, and 26 letters on a keyboard. Of course there are numbers and symbols on the keyboard too, but the letters make something when placed together; words. Some words can be abbreviated, while others are just spelt out in their entirety. What makes it so hard to put these letters together to form words-- the words you use when your talking to someone you care about? I experienced this tonight, I'm not going to say for the first time, but it did feel like it. My whole world stopped as I tried to express myself to one individual to tell them how I feel about them. Obviously, I knew that they don't feel the same about me, but I have come to accept that. I messaged this person annonymously because I was embarassed- embarassed about myself, my appearance, what people would think of me- what this person would think of me... and so on. Knots formed in my stomach; so tight they almost ceased the breath coming out of my lungs. A few messages were passed back and forth, and I still didn't state who I was. This person told me to just tell who I was, or give some hints. I was afraid. I saw how my life could end up in the future, with people hating me, if I told them. You can probably suspect where this is going. I assume tonight this person will check the last message I wrote to unscramble the letters in my name and identify who I am. How will I act tomorrow, if they do, when I see them in a class? This I am not sure of, but I can only come to one conclusion: I have to be me. Who knows? Maybe if I do come out and say what I want to say, my life will be changed for the better. But I am nervous. This person gave me advice on how to say what i want, and I believe that it will come in handy- we have both been in the same situation it seems. How come I cannot speak the words I want to express? Some people say typing what you want to say to another person is often easier than speaking it. I disagree after my experience tonight. How come I could not piece together the letters of the keyboard to form the words I want to say? Words have meanings, and it depends on how you use them if the person will react in the manner you wish for them to react. We have kept a promise that if this person finds out who I am, they will not tell anyone.

I am facing many struggles as I write this- I have my whole entire life. Between my weight and physical struggle, and this other defining characteristic, my emotions have been worn out many times. My self confidence, and emotional esteem have been drained. I won't do anything stupid, I promise you that. I pray to God to give me strength. I'm not sure if I will make this a private blog. This is pretty deep for me. I usually hold in all of my emotions. I feel like I'm going to puke, and I'd rather not hold THAT in, but I will hold my anger, tears, fear, and stress. It's not a good idea, I know, but I can't face anything.



I did eventually tell who I was, and the person was shocked that it was me- the reaction I expected to get. School was fine. I had butterflies in my stomach the whole day. But the last level, I was in the same class as this person. I didn't make eye contact with them, not that I tried NOT to, but we weren't near each other. I guess that's a good thing. I just acted like myself the whole class, with some little extra Jazz because, obviously, I was nervous. The person sat behind me, like usual, so I can't see their facial expression, or anything. My partners in the class, Victoria, and friend Steve sat near me and we talked the whole class, pretty much. Victoria suspected something was going on with me, but I didn't tell her exactly what. When will that time come that I have to face my fear? God only knows.

 

Hello Siman,

I think I can say that we ar both walking the same path. THough on your side, you have that one person that is out and confident, where on my part I only have me.

When describing youself, I feel you are describing me. Chubby and low self-esteem. We are both afraid of the same things. Though I have come out to one of my friends who accepted me, i think it is only luck that i fell on that friend. I know how hard it is, typing letters to make words that are so hard to type. I can't finish the sentence "I am..." I just can't bring my fingers to finish that sentence.

But though I am nearly in the same spot as you, I do wish you the best and hope you do the same for me.

I sypmathize with you, it IS hard pretneding to be straight when it makes you unhappy.

All the best,
passenger from the same boat.