unhappy and need to let it out

Hello guys,

I am from canada, for just the sake of "paranoia" and fear of being found out, I will not be revealing my real name (though I wish withmy whole heart that i could one day and be accepted). I am "different", I am sure u all know what i mean. I am so scared of coming out of my closet... I have honestly never said the "I am G.." phrase out loud ever in my life. I have come out to one of my friends only, but never usd the G word... I can't bring myself to type it, by fear that because I type it or say it, it might finnally be true. Though I know that it is something that I cannot change and not because I don't say it that it makes it a fact that I am not.

I am horribly scared of even thinking of coming out to my other friends and family. The friend I came out to is the only one that I knew for sure would acept me for who I am. All the others made it scary for me by making homophobic comments and by showing their "fear" of gay people. When for once I think i can bring myself to come out, they always bring out a comment, where i cannot agree with them and I cannot disagree by fear that they might come to think I am. I somtimes bring myself to say, if they don't accept me I can find new (real) friends who will accept me for who I am, but it is hard. I know that there is no place on earth that i would be able to find friends that i have been around for 10-12 years with. I know most of the girls will be able to accept me, but i know that some are hardcore catholic and will never see me as a friend anymore just because of their religious belief. I want them to accept me for who I really am, but I am so scared that all those 10 years will go down the drain. If i do come out to them and they don't take me as I am, I will be completely destroyed.

Second, in my family, there has never even been the talk of homosexuality. The only time that it happened (my older brother called my younger brother a fag) my father almost kille dmy older brother for saying a word. I think my younger brother will be able to accept it (for he doubts and asked me a couple of times where i had to deny it by fear) but my older brother is a 200% homphobic. Though my older brother doesn't mean to me as much as my younger one, it would destroy me if he wouldn't accept me. My mother has been talking to me about how ill get married and have so many kids, it puts pressure on me whether she is joking or not. I do want children aswell, but i can't picture me raising a kid with another man, for as a young teenager (and even now) I have the picture of raising a kid with a woman (I do not want to deprive the child of a mother).
But again at me, I am 23 and I have known for at least 5 years now, but I still can't bring myself to say it or even write it. I feel like my life is going down the drain because I am not living a truthfull life. I even have a girlfriend and she doesn't know that I am. I am trying my hardest to have sex, but it is extremely hard to fake an attraction where there is none. I can please her, but she can't please me.

I am really unhappy with my life. I am sorry if it was a long writing, but i really needed to tell someone and cry my eyes out for the unhappy life I am living. I am crying and don't know how to live my life, and am afraid that I am goin to live a lie my whole life. And I feel horrible for making my girlfriend living a lie with me. I feel like I am pulling her back.

I really just want someone to understand me and accept me so i have blabbered...Plz someone tell me I am normal and it will get better. PLZ at least my tears will fall in hands that will be able to accept it and tell me that its ok....sorry for the long post...

sincerely, a sad man

 

You ARE okay! I accept you! And things will get better once you come out and be who you are and start accepting that beautiful person! Things may not "magically" improve overnight, but they will get better. Whether you are black or white, fat or thin, gay or straight, what does it matter? Good grief, we are all humans. NO ONE is better or more worthy or correct that anyone else. Just because some people are going along with the "there is something wrong with being gay" rubbish like brainwashed fools doesn't mean they are right.
One day you will look back on this distressing time and laugh. Will that time be soon or will it be 10,20, 30 years into the future? Or will you spend your whole life hiding the beautiful person you are from the world?
may as well be sooner rather than later.
By theway i already posted on your introduction before you changed it, if you feel uncomfortable with that being there i can remove it. But we are an accepting bunch, atleast for the most part, so really no need to remove it.

 

Thank you, ive longed so long to hear something like that, it actually made me cry.... thank you so much for the little courage you have given me!!

 

There might not be another 10, 20, or 30 years to your life if your family is uber homophobic. Ever hear of Matthew Shepard? Beaten into a coma and died tied up to a fence. They're your family, so they won't go that far (barring extreme situations) but still, you should be careful who you tell.

Not everyone thinks you're equal, and it sure as hell won't stop them from doing something about it.

On the other hand...
You're not the only one who's going though this, it's normal to feel hurt.
But you could always do something yourself to make it better. Move away, for example? Go out to school...try to sensitize your family to it, stuff like that.

Anyway, good luck with it all

 

That is not what this man needs to hear.
So one guy got beaten? People get attacked and ridiculled EVERY SINGLE DAY and anyone could be beaten. People get beaten for being black, some for being white, others for being gay and others because they don't agree with someone. I suggest you get away from societ and spend sometime getting to know who you are and learn to accept that person. Then others are more likely to.

You are who you are and if you have to die fighting for that then so be it. Death is far better than living a miserable existence.

I wasn't saying to tell everyone you know, because it doesn't make a difference anyway. Just don't feel ashamed. You have to start loving and accepting yourself before anyone will accept you. Then you will know you are okay.

 

^agreed that you shouldn't feel ashamed.
But why die if tomorrow could be a whole lot better? It's YOU who decides if you're happy or not, not what other people do.

All the same...you don't tell your kids about sex without telling them about condoms too.
This man needs to hear that you can be happy and safe. At the same time.

And it's not only one guy that got beat for being gay...as you agreed and disagreed with somehow.

 

Haha, yeah i guess my post was abit confusing.
But i mean that you can't not live your life simply because something could happen. Same goes for everything, not just sexual orientation.

Im not the type to get annoyed but these posts are really upsetting me.
I am a straight female so don't even have to be affected by this, but i am.
I hate that being gay even has to be an issue and i am upset because equality means nothing to so many people.
You are exactly the same as anyone else in terms of worthiness.
I would fight it out for you guys, so please return the favor and fight it out for yourself.

 

F*ck other people. People might already assume, my husband was working with some guy who always lied about his "girlfriend" and it was his boyfriend. So my husband just came out and asked him and he said "yeah might as well" so then now he's coming over for dinner.

Screw what people think, be yourself, don't be ashamed, and live your life the way you want to. For every person that puts you down, there's two more out there watching your back.