need help guys/gals

Hey guys/gals.
right here i go, growing up through school no thoughts about being gay this was through out till about 16 going to college till about 18 nothing then, except maybe the occasional look to see if he was goodlooking, but nothing like that even crossed my mind. Then started a new job and was loving it, i mean i have had sex with like 7 women, then met an older women, who i deeply cared for, and started having a good relationship with her, a lot ov sex involved, then i started to have these thoughts all the time that freaked me out, alot ov aniexty involved, stopped going out, stopped all contact with friends, cause these thoughts were getting really sexual towards men same sex attraction, it use to freak me out. i told my girlfriend about these and she said to me there is no way you are gay, but i just couldnt stop talking about it to her, day in day out 24/7 hammering in my head saying i am gay, you are in denial, she said u need to calm down to me all the time, this has being goin on for like 4 years constantly for 24 hours a day hammering in my head. it cam to a point where i was like pullin g my hair out cause i didnt want these thoughts, and di some reserach, i came across a OCD site but a site called HOCD which means homosexual ocd- meaning thinking you are gay when you are actually not, causing intrusive thoughts, anxiety, now i thought i had that, and was so relieved to hear that thats what it might ov being. but then my thoughts started getting stronger, strated to feel nice at looking at men, then i started to freak out that i was doing this. then i strated watching gay porn and staretd to really enjoy it, the thought ov a man fucking another man seems to really do it for me now, i mean it became so bad when i was with my guirlfriend when i was going through hell, that i asked her to use a dildo on me, i didnt like it much as it hurt like hell and felt a bit comfortable. SORRY FOR THE GRAPHIC DETAIL. i hope you all understand where i coming from cause dont thin i have written a good piece, as i have just blurteed out what has come to my mind. but now i have lost all ineterest in women, and can actually admit that i like men, but i dont know if it is true, it seems true, and seems as if i really want to fuck a man, as when i watch two men getting it on, it seems to arouse me, you know seeing a man moan when he is getting fucked its something i want, and just really confused as hell, what confused me the most is i started to believe this HOCD and it like brainwashed me. Any ideas sorry for the long email, nice to meet you all anyhow

 

Write paragraphs, sentences please, I cannot read it. Think about what you are writing about and reread it to see if it works. You will get some replies that way.

 

pineapple08 is right,it was difficult to read your post,try to work on that
Well I used to totally freak out,I was confused and could'nt accept my attraction to men.
I was brought up in a (hypocritical lol)religous home and very homophobic town and there was very few gay rights at the time.
I was very homophobic since I thought I was gay,
I had no idea about bisexuality or anything at all.It plagued me for years.
After a total breakdown many years later I began to accept it,that was difficult.
For your own sanity Relax,it's your body.
Maybe you are gay so big deal,life goes on.You know what I mean?Remember,those that matter don't judge and those that judge don't matter.Get over it before you waste your life away with anxiety and worry.
Be you,We're all beautiful like a waterfall,the stars,the moon,flowers be you It's cool.About the porn,if it turns you on go for it.
Maybe you need to be with a guy to see what it's like.
If you like it great,if you don't at least you'll get it out of your system and you'll know.
It's not necessary to label yourself HOCD,I can't see how that would help your situation.
Don't worry,.Be Happy!
Joe,