Cruel Astrology - Leave Your Egos Outside! Part 2

Cancer: "Grumpy, moody, wingy, snappy, tetchy, devious, and fretful; not the cast list for a darkside production of Snow White, but a summary of your defining gracelessness. Depressing, isn't it? Notice that they are all diminutive Disney-fied versions of big, bad feelings. You'll never be more than just another pebble on the beach, negligible in the scheme of things, and you are perversely proud of your strong grip on the essential futility of existance. Let's cheer ourselves up some more, why don't we? You distrust life and have no faith in the future-- not surprising really, considering the behavior of the tides. One minute, there you are on a nice, wide moonlit strand, with executive rockpool, plenty of lugworms, when WOOSH! Everything's covered in saltwater, and your whole life is sucked away. You regroup, restart, then six horus later, it happens again. Whats the point? To build immunity against fate's random cruelty, you look for homeopathic doses of gloom wherever you scuttle. To you, everything is a potential Bambi's-mom-moment, and you can well up over anything lonely, plangent, and hopeless that can't fight back: pieces of string too short for use, individual fruit pies, the last Christmas goose in the store. If you ever feel in danger of actually enjoying yourself, you activate your powerful fret drive so that you can worry ceaselessly about stuff you can do nothing about. This stops you having to take action about stuff you CAN do something about. You are constantly crossing bridges that have not even got a building permit.
--Cancer Bitch Rating: "B+. For someone who likes to present as the caring queen, you are a mistress of the snappy put-down. You sit at home in your shell, practicing. You usually spoil the effect by muttering your pearls of acid wit under your breath as the bitchee departs, and then start groveling immediately."

Leo: "No doubt one of your lackeys has read to you all about astrology. You may even have a court Astrologer. Your lackeys will have told you that, as a Leo, you are proud, loyal, courageous, generous, magnanimous, dignified, enthusiastic, splendid, and bedazzling - all in all, a class act. Well, they would, wouldn't they? Don't you ever notice the fixed grins of your courtiers: the smile that doesn't quite reach their eyes? And the way they back out of your presence with pleasing abasement? You think this is reverential; they think they have hit upon an almost foolproof way to avoid a knife in the back. History is benighted with dark lions: bad kings, weak kings, evil emperors, despotic tyrants, etc. And for the purposes of this book, all Leos are kings, in spite of the fact that large numbers of you readers are, technically and anatomically, queens. Inside the hollow crown, you (and I) know that you are an arrogant, intolerant, patronizing, pompous, self-centered bully; oh, and a snob and a drama queen, too. You never really got beyond what child psychologists call the terrible twos, did you? And, just like the tyrant of the toyshop, you can't really believe you are getting away with it all. You remember that scene in The Wizard of Oz, where the fearsome, all-powerful wizard is revealed as an insignificant little old man behind a curtain, pulling on a vast array of levers? Well that's you. Scared that you will be found out, and they will likely take away your crown. You absolutely HAVE to be adored; by everybody; all the time. It never occurs to you how boring this may be for the conscripted adorers; you do not see that they go through the motions, or perhaps you do but you dont care - its the motions you want. This lust for adoration is often your downfall because you are very easily flattered, you great, gorgeous, handsome, clever tawny thing, you - and you believe every word. You are too ready to roll over on your back, purr under the honeyed stream, and fail to notice that while you are blissing out, others (usually Scorpios, Virgos, and Capricorns) are usurping your powers. You can't hear the whisper of plotting behind the roaring of the Hallelujah chorus, so you can be very easily manipulated."
--Leo Bitch Rating: "B++. Why bitch? You are the king. You know that magnanimous praise - she does so well with what little she's got - can inflict just as much collateral damage as upfront abuse; but of course when you do condescend to go in for catty remarks, they are always big catty remarks."

Virgo: "Ok Virgo; you are famous for telling it like it is, so let's see if you can take what you dish out. Brighside apologists claim that, disabled by chronic perfectionism, you are just as laceratingly harsh on yourself as you are on the rest of us innocent people - except on the inside, where we can't see it. Yeah, right. Let's do a little test, shall we? All Virgos are negative, tiny-hearted fusspots, obsessed with detail, who do nothing but carp and criticize. What was your reponse? I'm betting you carped and criticized. I rest my case. You love letting loose with that spiteful tongue, saying: A) Virgos are loyal, kind, and hard-working in a way that no other zodiac sign is, and, B) What exactly is SO wrong about criticism anyway? You will not be a prisoner to hypocrisy. Where are those legendary analytical skills that you apply to everything and everyone else but your own inner self? Can't you see the simple logical contradiction in B? I'd let it go, but then you would file another defense - viz, that you have a "zany sense of humor", and we all know what THAT means. When you are hot on the anti-hypocrisy crusade, the first casualties are diplomacy, tact, and basic manners. If asked a simple question that anticipates the answer "No." (e.g. "Does my butt look big in this?"), not only do you reply "Well, sure it does lardass." but you kindly proceed to give your estimate of exactly how much bigger than the norm it looks, in both standard and metric measurement units. After a couple of bruising encounters like this, few people ask your advice about anything ever again. That doesn't stop you from giving it. You are never wrong; but you aren't not wrong like Leo, who just isn't, end of story. You secretly fear the possibility that you MIGHT be wrong, but would kill your firstborn rather than admit it, because you despise the weak. While Mercury is ruling Gemini on the other side of town at night, it rules you during the day, making you the model of perfection, who underneath, has the exact same sinister intentions as the evil twins: Getting everything you ever wanted by silently slashing suckers, you contradictory little genius. And let's not forget your prim and proper exterior, who feels all yucky at the thought of germs! Underneath THAT exterior lies a voyeuristic nymphomaniac. Funny how everything is the opposite of what it seems, isn't it? But then again, if everybody withheld the same insightful powers that you secretly pride yourself on, they would be able to see past your pristine act. Brightsiders recommend being a nutritionist or librarian. I recommend being a professional actor."
Virgo Bitch Rating: "A+. Not quite in Gemini's league, but you're both ruled by the solar system's master at the subtle art of bitching. Even slow bitchees can't fail to get the point and are liable to deck you, especially if they are Aries. Your trick is to slash and run, but you always come back later when things have cooled down to sneakily ram the finer points home."

**Parts 3 & 4 coming soon**

 

Do Aquarius in your next one! I want to see my bitch rating!

 

the leo one isn't accurate for me at all, but it's probably because this is just general sun sign alone.

 

lol, my bf is a cancer, pretty true when he wants to be an asshole! ANti-social, selfish, and immature.

 

Bring on the rest!

i want to hear pisces!