I need to write something monumental Anything It doesn’t have to make sense. I just have to create a piece of art that will change the world I have to write a poem that will find a cure to cancer and aids That will stop world hunger and buy a child in some third world country some clothes I need to write something that will cause you to stand up and fight Something that will cause you to care and that will cause you to think Maybe I’ll write something that will cure your broken heart Maybe I’ll write something that will cause you to lie down and fuck Maybe it’ll cause you to get out and act And do something besides just sit on your couch and bitch For a small donation of all the spare change in your pocket you too can change the world You can be a hero you can save this little girl Guess you think you did your part With all your 27cents and some pocket lint You donated. . I guess you really do have a heart But after this you’ll go back to your house Sit on your couch and watch your TV And that’s the end of your good deeds Its easy to sit there and ignore what’s going on in the world I mean look at you With your big screen TV and your huge white SUV What do you have to worry about
Well, I suppose your message about action is a good one, but this is definitely the wrong way to go about it. Who is your target audience? Are you trying to make the apathetic feel guilty? Or are you one of those people who hate the apathetic even though you're probably the same, and like everyone you project your anger and disgust onto someone else? For future reference, people are more likely to respond to subtle forms of coercion as opposed to blunt, aggressive confrontation. As poetry, this really isn't very moving or inspiring. It doesn't say anything that a class of sixth graders couldn't tell me. I would even go so far as to say that there is absolutely nothing poetic about it. It's not very insightful, or original or interesting. It shows no unique sense of language, no interesting phrases, an off-putting embrace of slang and profanity, and not a trace of anything resembling vision. I would be more likely to think it was worthwhile if you showed some real insight into the concerns that you are trying to portray, but ultimately it's all just a regurgitation of the same general concerns that your average uninformed nobody also has.
i don't think it really was a poem. but I really do appreciate your comments even though some are more harsh then constructive. however, as the first lines says I'm just trying write something. I have a bad habit about just writing down thoughts and ideas and not really going back to work on it or string them together. In all honesty I have no idea why this got posted in here at all. Its just random scribblings really. Nothing poetic or in poetry form about it.
ehh, i liked the idea though. heywood had a point but yeah he was kinda harsh, i mean i don't think it was that bad, haha. if you put it into poetic form and took a few of his pointers it'd actually be very good... anyway yeah PeaceLoveAndRainbows, <3kit kat.
I'm gonna sound like an ass, but it's for your own good. First of all, to your comment that it's not a poem, it is. Secondly, I totally agree with heywood. In brutal honesty, this isn't very good at all. Still, don't worry. I personally went through an awful poetry phase, and abandoned writing poetry altogether. I was HORRID. Now I find I prefer writing short stories. Anyway, I'm not telling you to quit. Maybe poetry IS for you, but if that's the case, you definitely need some improvement. When I read this, I was completely uninspired, and did get the "6th grade" vibe that heywood described. It would be irresponsible of us to praise you for your work. How do you improve your writing? That's what I love about writing, it's so open to interpretation. Everyone has a few little memes that make up their particular style. For example, I borrow heavily from Edgar Allan Poe and H.P. Lovecraft, and I love to create an atmospheric, eerie feel to my writing with the use of long and obscure words. I love dark, morbid crap, and I have a few rare words that are like my writing fingerprint: Miasma, phantasm, scuttle, abaddon, spire, emotional masochism, monotone, vestigial, wilted, monolith, arcane... You get the message: Use more interesting words that reflect something about your character. In your poem, I didn't read ONE word that stood out as part of a dynamic vocabulary, and no phrases stood out as memorable. I disagree with heywood about the "slang and profanity" thing. I HATE the word profanity and it's socially conservative implications. If anything counts as profanity, it's my morally inept and disgusting writings. Curse words and slang can add to the character of your writing, although I have to say your delivery with it was poor. You know what some great universal writing advice is? Next time you hear a word you don't know, look it up. Talk to intelligent people and read more. develop that vocabulary. It'll take time, but I honestly think if you work on this you'll get something good out of it. You don't have to have a crazy vocabulary, just enough to be descriptive.
to halfpint: i get the feeling you are expressing in this one. the thing is, you are kind of criticizing others for being in the same situation you are in. you feel that something needs to be done, but you don't know what to do or how to do it, so you feel the need to write something to cause a change, which you probably did sitting down. just understand that most of us are only semi-apathetic. i think you should keep going with this. think of some things we all could do to cause change and write that down. i look forward to seeing more from ya.
I'm not trying to attack anyone with this. Sorry if you feel "attacked" that was not the goal. I write. Thats what I do. Whether it is good or bad thats not the point, I write. This was pretty much just a strand of ideas strung together to attempt at forming a complete thought which was obviously not reached. Mainly this is a compilation of things I've seen on TV, things I've heard being yelled as I walk down the streets, and things I've witnessed over the past couple days. It all just got me to thinking. I never once claimed to be a radical or even state that I wasn't apathetic at all. That was just people jumping to conclusions about me and about this piece of whatever it is. I really don't know why I am trying to defend myself here because it doesn't matter. I've posted other works up here and have gotten positive feedback, but thats not what I am here for. I write and I post what I write on occasions. Mainly I post to keep works places because computers and technology seem to fail so I want a place for everything to be stored.
I liked it. Despite all the negative whatevers everybody else has stated. Its a free verse poem that got how you feel across, and obviously it worked considering the comments on your topic.
i hope you didn't take what i was saying as an attack.....the fact is, if you post something here worth responding to, you're going to get responses.
