anyone experienced similar?

i used to be actively seeking to find-. i remember one night something very scary and yet amazing happened. it was the evening and i was contemplating. i can't explain what it was but soon it was as if i was floating above the world. i and the universe were one, no beginning or end only this place. i saw the world from a different angle- EVERYTHING was different. nothing i had ever known seemed valid anymore. before long i felt absolute terror-like my breath was going to leave me and like i was trapped. this must have been 5 monthes back now and following those weeks i was changed. life felt empty to me because i had seen it differently. this is the best i can describe the experience but unless someone has been there its not something the mind could comprehend- i know mine never could of anyway. i guess the only thing i could say is that some things are just at a completely different level than thought.
5 monthes on i no longer remember what i am even looking for. all i know is that i cant go back to my old normal life. also i desperately want to feel alive. i find it so crazy that through all the things i felt and experienced throughout those few months, and as profound as any of it may have been, i seem to have forgotten. it kinda seems like anything "spiritual" i experience or thought/finding i have seems to be blocked. as in i know its there but i can't think about it in thought form so i myself dont even know what ibelieve in unless i go deeper. anyone what is going on here?
can anyone shed light on this experience or situation or had similar themselves?
Sorry, this is very poorly written, i am tired.

 

Yeah. I'm there. I can spiritualize very easily from having spent plenty of time meditating. But then I get totally derailed by everything and life sucks and I'm totally frustrated until I feel like killing myself. I wonder wtf is anything about really since all that time doing spiritual stuff and I am still such a total loser.

 

Chodpa, hang in there and im sure things will eventually work out.
but yeah i wonder too. very frustrating sometimes. things can seem to make so much sense and then i go out into the world and "oh, nothings changed". seems so pointless sometimes.
once upon a time things seemed to make so much sense. now i dont even know what i believe in.

 

Thanks. My advice to you young jolie fille, is that you do professionally something that you love and which brings you love. A good profession makes all the difference in life. I totally hate my profession - hence my malaise of spirit. As you get older you are your work.

 

yeah thanks for the advice. and that seems really sad. is it not possible for you to move on to doing something else? something that makes you happier.

 

You get to my age and starting over gets harder and harder. It becomes the whole situation of unending debt and lack of ability to make a dent, professional drudgery, deadend, etc....

But at least meditation feels good.

Thanks for chatting. Peace.

 

nice talking to you chodpa.

 

Many great masters, including Vivekananda, have experienced this. It is a sign of healthy growth, but you have to capitalise on it. As with any experience, what you do with it is what matters.

 

"This" what? Capitalize how? What are you talking about Bhaskar.

 

The experience of a higher vision during meditation that comes before the mind is ready for it. Such a powerful experience naturally shakes up everything that the mind earlier based its beliefs on. The experience is also one where the ego is reduced to a nonentity and therefore the sensation of dying or suffocating.
When the meditation ends, the new vision has forever ruined the foundations of our normal life, however, since the mind still has its desires and scars and kinks to work through, it is unable to gain the state of peace and joy that should be the result of a vision of mystical union. Thus the spiritual is not yet gained, and the material is seems stale and empty and there seems to be nothing to live for. Repeated attempts to recapture the experience fail.
Capitalize! You now have something that very few other seekers have - proof! The rest of us are wandering around in the hope and faith that such a higher experience of life is possible, that there is a transcendental state, even though we have no experience of it, no proof of its existence. Such seekers will always have a nagging doubt somewhere - what if its not true, what if this is all there is? And these thoughts hold us back. But for you, who have already experienced the higher, albeit in a momentary vision, there is proof that yes, there is a higher state that I can come to experience and abide in. You have experienced that you are not the body and its problems. You may even have experienced that you are not the mind and its worries. You have tasted the freedom, now it is only a matter of living out the logical conclusions that can be drawn from your experience.

I don't know how much of this is applicable to either of you, or if I have even put my thoughts down in sufficient clarity. But if I understand what you're trying to say you've been through, then this might resonate with you. In that case, don't worry you're in good company. Swami Vivekananda went through exactly this that I am talking about.

 

I was the Self once and after that my life changed for the better. I started to enter into higher states of consciousness more easily in my meditation and soon higher states became the norm for me. Not "enlightenment", but higher states nonetheless. Now, this is where some people get stuck. They see these states as having some "significance" or that they are somehow special because of this. That's just nonsense. That's just ego getting into the way of things. I don't mean to teach, because honestly I have nothing to offer you that you don't already know, but I will say that I have experienced higher states and they can be scary, but they are perfectly natural.

I suggest seriously getting into Yoga. I know meditation is great and I do it too, but I personally find a balance between the higher states reached in meditation and the relaxing, balancing effect of yoga postures. I used to just meditate and it was hard for me to handle the higher states, but with a balance of yoga and meditation it is much easier to handle.

 

Peak experiences and deflation go hand in glove.
Altered states of consciousness whilst often fantastical or seemingly spiritual are not to be confused with pure awareness or pure consciousness.

It is direct pereception rather than a concept.
This is what the mind has difficulty with.
IT IS EASY

It does not have a time span. it is neither momentary or eternal - those are concepts.

It is available in the moment as you are!

Close your eyes and then explore about your head with your hands for a while.
Next, still with eyes closed - take hold of each ear between thumb and forefinger,
Then open your eyes and see what it is you are holding between those two extremities.

Where are you?
Where are those thoughts?
Is your head in the world or is the world including those partial blurry arms, trunk and legs in your head?
and
who does this type of head belong to?

A being with a world head only has world thoughts, they are not his/her own, they are thought-objects.
No mind to purify, no spiritual or psychological hoops to jump through, nothing to be attained.

But nevertheless "your" mind will keep trying even although it is already realised

Living a life goes on, and in a way nothing is solved, nothing has changed, but who is living the life, Whose life is it?
Mr and Mrs Nobody's

Who is awaking to what?

It is not an individual awakening to Self.
It is indivisible awareness, aware (awakening) of itself.

Thomas Traherne

 

When the meditation ends, the new vision has forever ruined the foundations of our normal life, however, since the mind still has its desires and scars and kinks to work through, it is unable to gain the state of peace and joy that should be the result of a vision of mystical union. Thus the spiritual is not yet gained, and the material is seems stale and empty and there seems to be nothing to live for. Repeated attempts to recapture the experience fail.
Capitalize! You now have something that very few other seekers have - proof! The rest of us are wandering around in the hope and faith that such a higher experience of life is possible, that there is a transcendental state, even though we have no experience of it, no proof of its existence. Such seekers will always have a nagging doubt somewhere - what if its not true, what if this is all there is? And these thoughts hold us back. But for you, who have already experienced the higher, albeit in a momentary vision, there is proof that yes, there is a higher state that I can come to experience and abide in. You have experienced that you are not the body and its problems. You may even have experienced that you are not the mind and its worries. You have tasted the freedom, now it is only a matter of living out the logical conclusions that can be drawn from your experience.


thankyou so much, bhaskar. and alot of what you say is vey relevant.
it was certainly proof at the time, something beyond any questioning. I tried to let the experience change me, but having to go out into the world each day i seemed to cave in. the experience means little to me now because i seem to know nothing more about it than the average person. i just dont understand how something that amazing and terrirfying can slip through the cracks and simply dissappear. still, i am left feeling confused about what it is i should do now, because you are right about the material- it no longer stands for much and i spend money expecting to feel happy like i used to, except now all i feel is emptiness- but also i dont want to go back to where i was. i used to spend all my time trying to fit in and dreaming of my perfect life. and not that i am unhappy, but the dreams i had are certainly gone.
And Bhaskar, if you are "such a seeker", as you mentioned, one day you will know. some time, allow yourself to be totally caught up in lifes beauty, become totally unaware that you are human, feel the bliss and, atleast for that moment, you will have all the proof you will ever need.

 

thankyou so much, beautiful people, i am so greatful for your replies.
as for mediitation,i dont know whether that is what you would call it- i just used to sit and think about life and i seemed to recieve guidence during the times i did this. guidence that made so much sense to me at the time. used to do this evey night and recieve answers. i still do this, except no answers anymore, just the continuously arising question of why exactly i am doing this. SO frustrating. also i dont really try to reach higher states of being as such, it has just happened a few times. guess what i am just after is an answer. i want to know my "true self" again. my life seems so emty and false now, which is good in a way beause i continue to seek truth.
by the way dreamoftheiris, thats interesting about yoga. Until recently hadn't realised what a big impact it could have on someone.

 

Perhaps the reason you aren't getting answers is that you are not allowing them. It is like writers block. When the mind is trying so hard to tap into creativity, it just will not come. The mind and emotions have to be calmed and then the flow starts. Stop trying to get answers, because questions and answers are the game of the mind. If you want to know your true self, drop these thought toys and look at yourself, the one who is aware of the thoughts, the emotions, even the frustration. That is your true self.

 

thanks, and good point. this is my third attempt at this post, as it seems to have been deleted from my computer twice now, most annoying, but oh well we'll again!
i know that it is me blocking this and everything else, but still it is very frustrating because i cant aknowledge what i am doing wrong. "seekers block" sounds possible i guess.
as for meditation or stillness, i cant really seem to do this. sometimes a great stillness comes over me and thoughts seem to pass by meaninglessly because there is no emotion attached. this usually occurs at night when i "tune in" to that stillness. recently, no matter what my mindstate, i get one reoccurring answer to everything: "look inside yourself". obvious as this may seem i cant figure it out.

 

What you describe is meditation - the silencing of the mind. It has nothing to do with how or where you sit and whether your eyes are open or closed or whether you are chanting a mantra or not. Meditation is to quiten the mind and tune it up the the higher.
Spirit has held your hand and brought you this far. The training wheels are off now. You have to figure it out for yourself. And your experiences give you more than enough fuel for the trip.
But you have to start practicing conscious living - be aware of your mind at all times and don't allow it to stray into desires and thoughts that reinforce the ego. Learn to recognize the difference between what is real and what is fleeting and thus detach yourself from the ephemeral.

 

i thought that was what meditation was, but all the "instructions" managed to make even the most simple of things confusing to me.
The trip of a lifetime, im sure.
thanks for your posts Bhaskar.

 

Spirituality is as simple as "Be still and know". But we modern folk have lost the ability to understand simplicity - we need everything spelled out with step by step instructions and method. Which is perhaps why the teachers did so, and no doubt it has been extremely helpful to a lot of seekers.

 

yes that is very true. alot of it does help alot. certainly i would never be where i was now without starting somewhere.