okay... this isn't a thread so much about the state of marriage, but about looking for it.. i know there are many ppl on here who are against relationships, all for tha sex, blah blah.. and i enjoy sex myself, but i've realized recently that I really want to find that perfect someone.. like, i finally feel like i'm ready to get picky and serious with a guy. In the past I have basically just fallen into guys laps that pick me up... sounds horrible i know (not necessarily having sex, but going for the really pushy bad boys who really only want that.) Anyway, I just feel so enlightened now... I'm feeling comfortable with myself and confident that I am a good person who deserves somebody who treats me as well as I treat them. And I LOVE to spoil my boyfriends... I want somebody who will spoil me right back SO... I've decided to really start Looking... rather than wait for a nice guy to find me. anyway... this seems almost like a blog post or something.. lol... anybody else have thoughts on love/marriage? this was inspired by the Love? thread. Okay here's a question for ya: What do y'all look for in a "mate-for-life"?... please be as specific or general as you want...
i'm going through my second divorce right now. which i guess would probably make me come across as cyncial towards love and relationships in general, and perhaps to an extent, it has. but it i'd given up entirely i wouldn't be not looking now. i just would have said, what the hell? and called that guy on the bus for a fling. my relationship with my soon-to-be-ex was based on friendship. i knew it had potential to be more than a fling, and that i also had some negative patterns that needed changing, when i found myself thinking things like, "i can't fuck/date him, because if i did then i could never break up with him." unfortunately, we made some mistakes in our relationship; i think it moved to fast, and we got married too soon and for the wrong reasons. and i think his lack of experience with women & relationships was a big factor. value differences played a role too, and changing values - when we first started dating we had a contract between us about how to peacefully handle conflict. over time it was neglected and forgotten. it didn't change with the relationship, so the relationship moved away from the agreement. one of us wanted a new agreement, and the other didn't. when one partner doesn't want to grow and change, the relationship's in trouble. i don't know if i'll ever ger married again. i'd like to think i will, but, i'm very cautious, and lets face it, 2 divorces doesn't give me the most desirable track record. if i ever do decide to start searching for a serious partner again, the relationship will have to be based on shared values. and communitcation, especially in conflict, is going to be a very important issue. i used to have a fantasy about finding someone who shared my values regarding green living and communication and change, who would whisk me away to a little homestead somewhere, or share a painting studio with me & we'd make beautiful art together...and i'm not saying that i've abandoned the fantasies, or that some sense of shared vision won't affect my choice for a future mate. maybe it's because i'm in "survival" mode right now, and am more interested in finding a way to get by on my own. to be honest, the fantasy of a perfect lifemate just doesn't seem that important to me right now. maybe someday i'll meet someone who makes his own pastel chalks or who lives car-free and barefoot, and i'll just melt into a little puddle of ooze. but for now, it's not even something i can realistically even think about.
wow that's tough kitty. I've gone through breakups and those were hard... i can only imagine a divorce. I dont think you seem cynical, only realistic. There has to be a time for being okay on your own before you can share your life with somebody else, i totally agree. And I sincerely hope you do find your barefoot, artsy, bike-riding man btw, totally off-topic, but i've always liked your sig pic.. hehe, cute little wood man.. and is he carrying a tray of flowers? almost looks like he's going to throw a pie..
what i look for in a relationship is much deeper than just sex. anybody can have sex, but can anybody be in love? not that i want to get married or anything, but i care more about the mind behind the person than i do about the physical relationship. love and sex are two completely opposite things. only when the two can be brought together is when something truly beautiful happens. something that gives a person a reason to live. it seems that somewhere along the line, sex became more important than love. and its actually hard for me to find somebody who thinks the same way i do. its all sex sex sex. there is so much more to life than sex, and i blame society for blinding this fact. society sucks!
You can't separate love, sex and marriage. They all have to work. A relationship based upon sexual attraction will never last because you don't have much in common. A relationship based on companionship and friendship won't last either. It lacks passion. You will look in the mirror and wonder why the relationship feels numb. For a marriage to work without jaded mulitple divorcees, it needs to have friendship and romance and common interests and passion and good sex. It needs all those things. And it can happen. I know my wife is my best friend and my best lover. And that's what it takes. Mark
why do you have to find the one person with which you will spend the rest of your life? why does it have to be this big plan, which in relaity you have no control over the outcome? why not just live life as it comes, take what you get, and spend the rest of your life with as many people as life throws your way?
Bit of advice: if you talk about marriage on a first date, you WILL put most people off. Just carry on dating until you read the right person, there's no rush unless you're stuck for a work permit.
Someone whom can take my personality and my lame and shitty jokes Someone that I can feel comfortable with and that can be my sidekick through this crazy journey called life..who will stick by my side through all the bad things. Someone who is mature yet is a big kid at heart and has that kindergarten touch.. Someone who enjoys the simple things in life and can enjoy sarcasm just as much as me... Someone whom you can just look into there eyes and know you are home... And someone who enjoys beer but I will let that one slide..hehe
i think that if a person isn't capable of being whole and complete in themselves, then they aren't going to be able to bring themselves wholly into a relationship, and there are problems from the start. you cannot be completed by another person, no matter how much you love them. thank you. that is my own pastel painting/illustration of tom bombadil, from the fellowship of the ring, as he appears in the book when the hobbits first meet him and he frees pippin from old man willow. yes, he is carrying waterlillies, on a lilypad, like a tray, for his wife goldberry.
If I did have a mate fo life I would have to be completely in love with them, but to be honest, I think no one would put up with me for that long anyway.
Probably not hehe j/k You'd be surprised though, I think that if anyone can put up with my annoying ass, they should win a medal and are a keeper
Wow...Kitty...reading your post is like looking in the mirror for me... As I mentioned to you before, I'm recently divorces (Feb/2004), and I'm just coming out of the fog...Our stories are AMAZINGLY similar. You probably know you are not alone. I totally understand what you're going through, and I have a son to boot... We remain friendly, not just because of our son, but because we still love each other. This is his 2nd divorce, and my 1st marriage, and probably last. I sincerely doubt that I'll ever get married again, but, like you, I keep the fantasy alive, and hope my decision making skills will improve over time. I've learned some monumentally valuable lessons, which I'd like to impart to our sister now: Love under the sanctity of Marriage is the most incredible bond you'll ever experience with someone who understands that mutual respect/trust/fidelity and LOTS OF WORK should be at the top of the list. I had been wanting to be married since I was 18, but didn't actually tie the knot until I was 33 years old...and STILL chose the wrong person for the wrong reasons (the relationship with my husband was a rebound from an excrutiating break up with my previous boyfriend). But don't be discouraged by our tales of misfortune, Sweetie... I'm sure Kitty would agree that if we both were given another chance (sometime in the LONG DISTANT future), we would be more careful, and a lot wiser...take more time to get to know who we're getting involved with (...say, maybe 2-3 years...that sounds like a long time, but really...it can take that long to REALLY get to know all sides of a person...), and most of all, remember that marriage is HARD WORK -- MUCH HARDER than walking away from a dating relationship. SO I emplore you...PLEASE, TAKE YOUR TIME, and keep it to yourself, i.e. don't go professing your undieing love for some guy just because he rings your bell the right way in the sack... Consder the physical -- can you honestly dedicate yourself to this person for a lifetime...even when he gets fat/bald...do you believe he feels the same about you???, FINANCIAL (...yes, financial...this is the #1 reason couples break up...), and EMOTIONAL --through rain, mud, shit, or blood...will he be there for you emotionally??? --or will he just blow off your feelings, and/or chalk them up to PMS or some other rubbish men are taught to use as an excuse to disregard women's feelings... Does he want to marry/be with you as much as you want to be with him??? IF there is ANY doubt in your mind about this...RUN FOR THE HILLS, my Sister...There are too many guys yucking it up with each other about 'THE 'OL BALL N' CHAIN'...as if they've been sentences to prison for a lifetime without parole...(give me a break) Does he have the MATURITY to sustain a lifelong commitment??? Or is he really only interested in playing house, and using you to help improve his financial position/stabilit ( Oh....believe me...this happend to me...). Lastly, PLEASE...don't fool yourself into believing that the qualities he's lacking today will magically appear sometime in the future: if he's a Chevy today, he'll be a Chevy tomorrow...he will not magically transform into a Mercedes Benz...and YOU CAN'T CHANGE him, don't even try!!! --Nothing wrong with a good 'ol reliable Chevy...just understand what your getting, and you won't be disappointed later. I'm sorry for the long Post, Sweetie... I only hope that if my words/experiences can save ANY other woman the heartache I've suffered over the years, I'll scream it from the roof tops! Good luck in your quest, My Sister... Remember, there is nobody more special in your life than you are, and no matter what choices you make, it's you that will reap the benefits or suffer the consequences of your decisions. Peace.
You are such a darling...Where the HELL were you, when I was looking for a husband 20 YEARS AGO!!! Pay attention, Ladies...Here's a guy who FINALLY gets it....
Mark, You must have been a fly on the wall of my marriage.... Pay attention, folks...this man knows of what he speaks... Mark
i don't think there is such a thing called perfect person or match, b/c somewhere down the line one of them f/k up really bad and it takes alot of effort to make it better. not to say every one's husband well become a drug dealer and go to jail but one of you always f/ks up. whether it's cheating or you just bitch to much b/c your insecure of your-self,but if really love them you learn to put up with alot of b/s or you can say fuck it and make a better life for your-self MY HUSBAND MAKES ME WANT TO KILL HIM
im sitting here right now reading this......with a beer and a sandwich in my hand. thats a freakishly strange coincidence. your scaring me...
