want to leave my bf for the summer, advice?

Scratcho's optimism aside, I can't say I disagree; you don't know what the outcome of either choice will make. You may not leave and end up happily married all your life with many kids. You may stay, get married, go through a horrible divorce within a year. You may leave and have a wonderful experience. You may get held hostage in an express kidnapping venture.
You just have to go with what you feel will be right for you.

However, this whole 'he will be understanding'-malarky; I'm not buying. Telling him in a letter is just plain out disrespectful and cowardly.

 

never live your life to anyone else's expectations. that is when it ceases to be your OWN life, and becomes you trying to be someone else. it is a form of ownership that others will always try to place on you to make themselves feel better about being owned by the people around them. it's a vicious cycle i see constantly in society.

so what happens if you step out of that ownership cycle? it sounds like you really do!!! you have a LOT of very heavy commitments that are being pressed on you, expected of you, and you have very valid fears about whether or not these are commitments you want to make! that should make you stop and think... i need to take some time to decide what i really want!

it's not selfish of you to want to be the true person inside of you, to be the real best of yourself! it may sound selfish to the people looking to own you, to hold you in a particular box they're comfortable with you being in... but it's not selfish. because you really can't give of the best of yourself, or even of the worst of yourself unless you really know who you are! it's the first step... and the one most people jump right past. take the time. get to know yourself. do what you feel like you must do to feel happy and satisfied with your life!

if the people around you don't understand that and don't want that for you.... then i'm sorry, but they don't really love you. not that they don't care about you, but true love... whether romantic or otherwise, is based on wanting each individual to be who they really are, and believing in them to do that. that's all it really boils down to! anything else is just feeble attempts at ownership.

obviously, this decision is up to you and only you. your post seems to be asking for validation for what you're feeling... like you know that what you want is right and good and something you need to make your soul happy. but you're afraid of what everyone else will say, and that people won't understand. that's possible. very likely. but... you don't need anyone else to make you who you are... and it sounds like your soul is screaming for the space to realize that fully!

good luck with your decisions... i know it isn't easy!

 

thanks treehugger, your post is very true.

i am going to leave this summer, start off at the rainbow gathering and just go with the flow from there. I am NOT going anywhere with this other guy. I may meet up with him on my travels but that is what is making me feel shitty, not my need to go.

i do feel like i am abandoning my responsibilites but they are responsibilities society has placed on me without my consent.

thank you each and everyone for your post

 

also i am braver then leaving him a letter. you guys are right. thats no way to treat someone you love. what a shitty thing for me to have considered. i am going to tell him sometime soon and let him prepare for it. he will not like it, but i know deep down he will understand. he loves me, not just what i can do for him, i know he wants whats best, but he will miss me.

 

Sounds like you got everything figured out quite nicely =)
Good luck.

 

You need to tell him before you leave. Just ditching him with a long note could be crushing....

 

I am telling him today, wish me luck!

I am going with a mutual friend so I think he will be okay with it. i'm only going to go for a month, see how i feel, then go from there.

much love to everyone who posted their thoughts for me

 

Eek! Good luck, MaryJane! I hope it goes smoothly.

Gawd, now I'm all nervous.

 

honestly, after reading this 3 pages my conclusion is tahat you are not mature enough to handle a serious relationship and this trip you are planing is just an excuse to run away from your relationship and to rouin it quietly

beleve me, if you go, you'll lose him, i've seen this a hundred times and it hapened to my relationship too
if you go, you'll change and he'll change, people change after long relationships and it would never be the same again
so it's up to you to decide, are your hormones and the child in you more important than him

peace

 

Sorry guys but i've only read the first post in this thread.

I can feel your situation, and it makes sense enough. But if you do it, I think that your relationship with your boy will be changed forever, for the worse.
Wish I could offer some advice! Good luck! And please let us know what you decide to do.

 

By going away for a short time?

 

I don't think you're a bad person! You have every right to try to find what's best for you in this life.
Maybe your man isn't right for you.

 

I don't know you, but there are a few possibilities that may happen if you leave. 1. Both of you will realize this is the best decision and you separate. It's a mutual decision, so no hard feelings. 2. You decide that the relationship is over (or he does) and the other doesn't want it to end. This would be the most painful possibility. 3. Both of you decide that you want to be together b/c of the separation. This seems to be the least painful/best possibility.

However, if my fiance told me that he needed to travel for a summer w/o me, I don't think I would handle it too well. In my eyes, he would be leaving me and from then on, our relationship would get worse and worse until we ended it. I would feel betrayed by the person who promised we would spend our lives together, and I would take him leaving as breaking that promise. In the back of my mind, I would wonder if he was tired of me and using "traveling" as an excuse to leave me w/o ending our relationship. I would see him as abandoning our commitment to each other and these doubts/fears would undercut the foundation of our relationship.

This would be my reaction, so I am not saying your bf will respond the same way. I just want you to see one reaction, though. Good luck, whatever your decision is.

Peace and love

 

How'd the talk go, MaryJane?

 

you can't say it's that simple

the going away for a short time has a meening to the relationship

 

^ .... k them

 

??????

 

Not at all. It's good when you know what you want from life. I think you should follow your heart. Be honest with your bf and yourself. Also, I think you should tell him it's OK if he wants to have a fling with somebody else while you are gone. When you come back, if you do, you guys talk things over and see if you can patch up your relationship. My advise, take it or leave it. I'm not an expert. You know best.

 

sorry for not checking back sooner! I had the talk with him and he was COMPLETELY supportive. we agreed on me going away for a month, coming home, and going from there. I will probably stay for a few weeks then be on the road again

he was just completely supportive and said he knows it will be an awesome experience and that its something i have to do. im going with a good friend of mine and we are just gonna drive drive drive and hit upthe rainbow gathering. he is still going to worry of course but he is genuinely happy for me. im lucky to have him.

theres no way im gonna cheat on him, i cant believe i even wrote that! i was in some silly mind set, i couldnt do that. not in a million years. i think i was just having a crush on my old friend, hes very different from my bf. i guess crushes can happen, it doesnt mean i love my man any less.


im excited for this summer, and im hoping i find some answers for myself. thank you each and every one of you for your replies and words of wisdom.