I have no SEX DRIVE!!!!!

I've been married for almost 10 years now and I have NO interest in sex at all. This isn't a recent problem, I've honestly never had ANY sex drive, anything that I've ever done has been to please the person that I've been with at the time, and I've been miserable doing it! I prefer female companionship over male, but I still can't stand the sex aspect of the relationship.

My problem now is that I think that my husband is ready to divorce me over this, he thinks that I'm just not attracted to him anymore or his other senario is that I'm cheating on him...he says that I must be getting "it" somewhere since I'm not interested in him. This whole situation is killing me because we have 2 small children, and I don't want them grow up without a father just because I have some kind of sexual disfunction.

Have any of you experienced a loss of sex drive? If so, what can I do about it before it destoys my marriage? I do love my husband, but I can't make myself have sexual feelings that aren't there? We've even tried role playing, but nothing seems to help. Is there anyone else out there that just doesn't like sex????????????????

 

if you prefer female, add one in. 3 some. better for you and it will make him happy.

 

are u on any medicvations?
if so thats most likely the cause but there can be 100 other causes, mental blocks, hormonal imballances, desensitation, warped views of sex (over religios parents?)
without a lil background info its hard to guess the problem, but your not aslone there are others who have the same issues,but like i said can be 100 different causes
identifying the cause may give light to a solution
but also aphrodesiacs and the like can ber tried to see if you cant get alittle sexual desire going

 

are you capable of orgasming with your hubby> have you tried toys, such as a clit vibe? I cant get an O without my clit vibe, I swear by it.

A lot of womens sex drive is feeling empowered and knowing you can cum. why would anyone wanna do anything thats just for someone else!? Not for 10 years!

I really recommend trrying to make yourself cum alone and then with him. buy some toys, dont be shameful. we are sexual beings, and you have missed out on pleasure for so long, you deserve it.

 

tbh, some people are just asexual or hav elow sex drives

talk to your doctor, get checked for hormonal imbalances
have the two of you start seeing a counsellor, marriage or sex counsellor in particular. you two need to talk this out

 

Thanks everyone. I think I'm going to call my doctor.

I'm not on any medication right now, so I'm not sure what could be causing this. I was violently raped many years ago, but I didn't have a sex drive before that either so I don't think that is the cause.

I can orgasm when we have sex (sometimes), but I just have such a hard time getting in the mood that it just doesn't seem worth it.

I like the idea of seeing some type of therapist too, I think that might really help us.

Thanks again for the advice..wish me luck!!!

 

the rape may not be the cause but sure isnt helping
how many years ago?
whats your relkationship like with your husband and especialy how he makes you feeel
sexualy mentaly emotionaly and respectwise

 

i may get blasted for this suggestion, but what about initiating sex occasionally, even if you're not in the mood? You say that sometimes you can orgasm whe you and your dh have sex, so maybe it's worth a shot. Honestly, I swear by this. I'll initiate, or let him initiate even when I'm not at all in the mood, but by the time we get to the main event, I'm raring to go. Just a thought, and please don't think I'm making light of your problem. I also agree that a doc's apointment and counseling are good ideas.

 

I'v heard & seen that it can complicate things unless you are a very stable, longterm relationship with LOTS of trust.
Even so..it could rock the foundation of an already established couple.
All I say is be safe & cautious *: )

 

what PUTS you in the mood?

 

These people are liars!

http://www.freewebs.com/backgroundcheck/

 

Yeah sometimes if you're not in the mood you will once you start. Also sometimes it takes a while for a female to get on and ready so you might need foreplay. Try that.
But you say you enjoy female companionship more than male, maybe you're a lesbian??

 

We have a decent relationship, but I can't say that it's great. We don't really have anything in common, but we keep trying to make it work. We do get along, I just wish there could be more of a mental connection sometimes. My rape happened 6 years ago. I do think that I still haven't gotten over it, but I didn't like sex before the rape.

I don't really think I'm a lesbian because I don't like the sex aspect of women either. It's really hard for me to initiate anything with my husband because it's not just that I'm not in the mood, it's almost like I'm disgusted at the thought of being touched.

 

Be tolerant... I'm a guy. First, forget adding someone, male or female. Guaranteed to drive you two further apart. Marriage is about commitment between two people (1 male and 1 female). Other things may be fun but they will only drive the two of you further apart. I agree with the others; start with a medical check up and ask your gyno about the low/no libido. Be sure they treat it as a real problem or get a second opinion, preferably from a female dr.Then find you a good marriage counselor and hope your husband will go with you. I suspect the rape is bothering you more than you realize but with time and professional help you will learn to manage those afteraffects. it will always affect you deeply in many ways so learn how to deal with it. I will admit that my wife and I have quite different desire levels but in her case it comes from a chronic disease and the accompanying meds and chronic pain. While I regret that situation, our marriage is stronger than just sex. If yours is based solely on sex, or if that is all he thinks will save it, then say goodbye; your's is toast. Hope you can save your marriage for the sake of the children and both of you. Good luck. Take care.

 

Thank you Brad01- you have some really good advice. I try to understand where my husband is coming from, but my patience runs out pretty quickly when he starts to accuse me of having an affair just because I'm not in the mood for sex. The problem is that I realize that this is most likely a medical problem( made worse by the rape), but he doesn't. I feel like our relationship is so stained now that it may never recover.

We have an appointment to see a counselor in 2 weeks, so maybe things will start to get better for us.

 

Hey Wandering...I'm so sorry you're having trouble like this. *internet hug that doesn't really feel good because it's over the internet but it's the best I can do.*

I don't know you or anything, but it seems like a really telling thing you said was that you don't have much in common with your husband. That hit me harder than what you said about not wanting sex with him. You didn't love sex anyway (which sucks), but that would be a different problem if you were really passionate about him, wouldn't it?

Heck, I don't want to tell you anything - I'm younger and I have no idea what you're facing. I love that you're going to therapy with him, and that you're trying to work it out...from what you've written here so far I guess I'm not sure it will work out. Maybe it was just frustrated thoughts, though, I dunno

I hope you take care of yourself, though. I hope you figure out what's best for you, and i hope you do whatever that is. I'm so sorry you're in such a rough situation. I have no idea what I'd do. I hope I'd make sure I was happy, first. I think that would be the right choice.

 

Hi again Wandering Soul,


Just another thought or two, and let me admit to having had one failed marriage and currently enjoy one great marriage. My first was based on sex and we enjoyed ourselves often and passionately. (We were too broke to afford any other fun.) By the time we realized our marriage was in trouble, we had waited too long and could not recover, nor did we really try. We also did not seek professional counseling. I'm glad you are handling your problems better.

Jealously is a powerful emotion and not a healthy one. Obviously, you were in love when you married. Perhaps it will help for you both to focus on what brought you together initially and what has been good since then. I'm sure there have been some good times, too.

Since you responded warmly above, I'll go one step further but I'm not sure I want to. Good sex ideally is a willing union between two people. You may need to push yourself a little to have sex as he will also have to push himself in some ways to get your marriage back where you want it. Hopefully, this isn't impossible for you. As I said earlier, I deal with a near sexless marriage and it is difficult. Not impossible, but difficult. I wouldn't want to add this issue to a struggling marriage. It might be too much. You might go out of your way to hug and cuddle more, maybe a lot more. It goes a long way just to have that female touch.

Unfortunately, we guys tend to equate no sex with no love. She won't have sex with me therefore, she doesn't love me and/or she must be cheating on me or some such crap. Even as hard as I try and I know better; this is an easy trap to fall into for men; at least for this one.

BTW, I'm assuming he isn't physically abusing you. If he is, say goodbye and never look back. You deserve better. I have never seen abusive men stop regardless of their words. Good luck. I feel your pain.

 

I have had this problem wandering soul...
Molested as a child, and got warped views of sex from the parents to go with it. Then had a bad tear during the birth of our first child, which caused major pain during sex for almost a year...
I did not want sex, I actually avoided even hugging him in case he thought I wanted sex. It was that bad.

Try getting a toy, and use lots of lube with him...I know I have needed lube for years, I have none of my own. I used to worry about that, and that made things worse. Knowing I wasn't going to be having an orgasm didn't make me want sex too much either...we women have to work for ours and I totally understand the part where you said it's not worth it sometimes...

 

I usually let my husband convince me even if I'm not in the mood. I mean, it doesn't hurt anything for me to say yes and it keeps him happy. Besides, I love the closeness of it, even if I don't orgasm. About mid-way though foreplay, I usually get into it.

 

I actually have one failed marriage too. Everything was great in the beginning, but within 3 months of being married he starting slapping me around quite a bit( put me in the hospital twice) , he actually told me that it was because of the lack of sex that he was so frustrated.

My husband now isn't abusive at all, but I can tell how much this is hurting him. If he isn't accusing me of cheating on him, then he's saying that I'm just not attracted to him. The whole situation is hurting me too.

The best way that I can describe it is that if you have to go to the dentist ( even though you don't want to), you know that you have to go just so you're tooth won't hurt. That's how I feel about sex, it's all about making him happy just so that our home life can be happier. I know that's a bad analogy, but that's the way that I feel these days. If I don't have sex with my husband, he tends to take it out on me and our children(verbally) just because he's so frustrated with me. It's not fair to our kids.

I honestly can't wait until I see the Doctor, because I really want the doc to tell my husband that this is a normal condition that some women suffer from.