I love a straight guy who hooks up with me but denies me

I write this to this forum because I am hurting in a way that can only be described as a pain in the pit of my stomach that takes over my whole being, especially my broken heart.

I have been seeing this straight guy off and on for about two years now. I can't lie about it anymore. I love him so dearly, so much, with all my heart and soul. Don't you dare say that this sounds cliche because I don't care, but I have absolutely NEVER felt this way about another human being before and it's killing me. I've lost most all my friends and almost lost my job because I wouldn't let go of him no matter how chaotic it became.

I'm not crazy like suicidal or anything, I just can't take the pain anymore. He's away from me for the moment, but I know that it's only a matter of time till he comes back that I could be caught up again. For whatever reason he keeps me around, tells me that he loves me, we've been sexually intimate more than the number of times that I can count on two hands. Those times that we were together, it was wonderful, feeling him near me, his taste, his smell, everything.

Whenever any girl comes around I'm thrown away. He says he loves me but his actions speak a different story. I wish I could free myself from this. When he left this time, i thought that I was getting over him. I actually began to feel better, but as with everything, it only took a mere moments of thought to have the feelings come roaring back.

I can't live my life like this. Constantly crying and hurting because I have string feelings of love for someone that is to everyone on the outside, straight. He was only vulnerable, true, sensitive, and gay for me. It makes me cry everyday because he has been the most special person that I have ever known. I will always love him, and he knows that. He knows how I feel and how it hurts me so. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just that by all accounts he is straight.

 

Let me start by saying that I too, have been in this situation although I went through it more than 10 years ago. There is NOT a single day that goes by that I still don't think about him but let me give you some history here (cliffnotes version)...met through a mutual friend, became friends, he had a girlfriend, then we became more than friends, he still had a girlfriend, then he broke up with the girlfriend and still had me in the background but we were never to be seen in public together around HIS friends (around my friends was fine), he met another girl, left me, lost her, came back to me, I told him no (even though it was the most difficult thing in the world to do), took advantage of me and I left for good. Tried to never look back but he is still there in my mind every single day. He, however, has moved on and has pretty much forgotten all about me.

So what I'm trying to get to is this....he is everything to you and you are nothing more than a toy to him. As long as you are there waiting for him, he will always go back to you (but never BE with you). He's using you to make himself feel better and in the process, tearing you to pieces. It's time to move on even though it will be the HARDEST thing in the world to do. There will be someone else out there for you that appreciates you for YOU instead of using you for their needs. He's got you hooked and thats exactly where he wants you to be. But you have to think of YOUR well being more than his. Put yourself first and think of your own needs and realize that he is NOT the best thing for you (even though it may seem like it in your head) but rather, the worst thing for you. Move on and find happiness for yourself.

 

As much as i hate to say this the post above my own is fully true your being used and thats a very harsh thing to come to realize , i do beleave its happend to all of us at least once (4 times in my case Bastards) any way i find being around friends and people know love you and care how you feel helped i actualy went and talked to my preacher (when we still spoke that is) and he helped me threw alot of it , tho it is all pace and strenth of will dont let him back in dont let him see you waiting for him its going to be hard ,very hard to get passed but it will pass and you will find some one that loves you truely loves you (sorry if i wasent much help)

 

Thank you very much for replying to my post. Let me preface this by saying that it's very encouraging to hear that there are other gay people out there that have gone through what I've been going through. I have to tell you that most of the time, I feel very alone with my gay issues. I don't know any other gay people like me. Now let me explain what I mean by that. What I struggled with most when I came out of the closet is that I don't feel feminine or "flaming" in any way. That's what I felt society was presenting to me mostly then and even now, are images of the very feminine, let's talk with a heavy lisp, make unsightly hand gestures, become excited and emotional like women. It's just not me and I never identified with that image of a homosexual. I'm a man who acts like a man who likes other masculine men. I'm 6'0 about 230 pounds, have a very football player like build. I'm not a little guy. I like other guys like that. I have to admit, I sort of like the bigger, kind of dirty, a little vulgar, jocks.

Now before you say, "what the f***!" Hold on, the secret to a guy like that being able to really turn me on and get me is this: if he's a "man" in public, very masculine, has the typical man traits, can try to act like a tough guy, never ask for directions, speaks with a deep voice (deepish, let's say). He can't decorate necessarily, tries to cook but maybe more of a barbecue, not the cleanest but not the dirtiest, has a masculine smell, but isn't "stinky", is a bigger guy but not fat, like 'em stocky, love a guy with a bubble but, hate the flat one's. Now this is the secret ingredient, this is one of the most important turn ons for me, this will make me putty in the guy's arms and this is what the guy has that I speak about in the post above. This is the #1 reason why I fell in love with him and can't seem to stop thinking about him. This is what I was looking for my whole life, and yes I thought that I would never find it. I really thought that this guy wasn't out there and that I would have to compromise and never be able to experience this. This is why I can't let him go.

Even as masculine as he acts in public, as much of a "man" s he is, and people might even think he's an asshole, when you are alone with him and you can tell that he trusts and cares for you because you can feel that connection, he becomes sensitive, sweet, maybe even a bit emotional, may shed a tear, become vulnerable, turn to putty in your arms, need you, connect with you. Now the guy I spoke about above has all of these things and more. He has a soft, gruff voice and speaks to me softly when we are alone. Takes a little time for me, cares and tries to look after me a little bit. Kind of whispers and gets a little too close to me when he's trying to talk to me about something personal. Has the softest, green eyes. Is someone that you just want to hold, feel close to you. He may not be an Abercrombie model and he may not have the cure for cancer, but man do I love him. Those days that we were together, I treasure deep in y heart.

So: epilogue: How am I doing now?

Well this started about Halloween of 2006,

It's now February of 2008:

I can remember agonizing about this and talking to a friend about it, deep in conflicted love over my new straight good friend, that I, at that time, only began to have a thing for, but the feelings were growing. I had no idea how strong they would become. That friend and me don't really talk anymore, nor do I and a lot of my friends. I decimated my relationships because all I cared about was being close to him and every time he called me back I went even though I thought/lied that I wouldn't.

Even now, I'm only away from him because he's away. He's actually in drug treatment or supposed to be. I finally can take some breaths of fresh air, but I'm still not over him by a long shot. When I think about that 2006-2007 year, I cringe at how lost I felt, how "f'd" up I was. I still am, but getting better. Maybe I'll even get my friends back. Who knows? I can sort pf see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the other side of the argument that I keep coming back to is this:

Why should I give him up when I've stuck around this long: is this not true love? I'm not supposed to be like this! All love sick and crazy. Sometimes I hate being gay. Sometimes I wish I could just...

I don't care! I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!!

See the tears are already starting to come again....

I'll never be free, I’m sorry, but no one can help me.

 

I would tell her that the guy was just using her...no matter what she said after that...

 

Never invest your emotions/feelings in someone who wont respect it, thats pretty much all the advice I have on the subject. Its a complete non-negotiable for me.

Can't imagine what you've been going through, keep strong.

And invest time in your friends, they often last longer than relathionships.

 

But I always thought my friends would be there for me on the other side, but now I know that's not exactly true. They really disappointed me. The guy I liked didn't really disappoint me because I knew he was straight from the beginning. I never remotely thought I could have what I had with him. I just got caught, but it's really my own fault for investing those feelings and emotions in him when I knew the truth about him all along.

I thought my real friends would stick by me. That was the biggest joke. It's made me a harder person inside. I had to become a harder person in order to carry on and not let my disillusionment and anger affect my everyday life. I'm getting better now, but it was still disappointing just the same.

But you know what, it doesn't matter anyway because "it is what it is," right. I guess the biggest lesson that I learned is that there are just some things that I cannot change.

 

I hate to make things worse... but straight guys dont fool around with other guys. I am sure it happens but most guys would go soft at the idea of gay sex. Maybe this guy is gay and in the closet? I guess you would be able to tell if that was the case.

 

That opinion has been presented to me before. Honestly, I don't really know what he is. I couldn't even imagine what it's like to be bisexual. I just have no sexual desires towards girls whatsoever. So, to be a guy like him and to be with both guys and girls boggles my mind. My question to him and to other bisexuals is "so you just F*** everything?!" And with "everything" I mean people of course. To all those people with their minds truly in the gutter, fish them out.

 

Well here is my opinion and I say that because I am just stating my opinion.. how you take it is entierly up to you. I believe that he is using you.. but in the way he is doing so is because he knows that you love him.. and that you will wait for him no matter what he does. So he is going around doing what he wants right now.. 'sowing his oats' so to speak because he knows that no matter what he does then he has a stable rock to come back to when he needs it. Your his rock and stable place to come when he needs to know someone is there.. but he is not returning that part of himself to you that you need.. the stable place you need so it is driving you to the bring and causing your emotions to run havoc. In the long run I think you should sit him down and discuss with him what he sees in the future for the two of you. In my feelings that if you are in love and he loves you aswell then no matter how long the two of you are apart you will find your way back to one another. That you should take a break from one another and see how your feelings really come about. Because right now with how you are jumping from hoop to hoop trying to keep him in your life is just emotionally draining you and making it that less likely that you can emotionally make a stable decision.

But all in all I wish you the best and hope that you can find someone that you love like I have.. (wavies to his Wim) and that the two of you will be happy.

 

Your expectations are unreasonable, and you are bound to make yourself unhappy until you see them in a different light.

Whatever sexual compass may point your needle toward men, his is tuned to respond to both magnetic north and south. Maybe females hold the stronger attraction.

Or maybe not. Maybe he's wired for guys, but females hold just enough attraction that when social conditioning is added to the mix, he chooses her.

Nobody prefers being in a closet. Not everyone can step out into the sunshine and find acceptance. For some, the shame in the eyes of family and friends would be overwhelming. Anything would be preferable. Denying your sexuality is a small price to pay, if you consider the devastation of shame.

If his friends and family were to say (and mean it), "We always knew you were gay and we love you anyway," you would finally know how he feels about you. But he knows they would not say that. Instead, they would call him a "fag." Think about that for a moment, because when they said it, he would believe it himself, because he comes from the same place they are coming from.

That is the meaning of "pariah," of "social leper," in today's American society. We're talking red state, traditional values, mainstream Christian, red-blooded American boy point-of-view. You aren't gay, you're a fag.

"I'm not gay, I'm just a fag." My guess is that he can't face that.

A lot of gay people really have no choice. They were never too successful at hiding, and whatever contempt there may have been was softened by familiarity. The guy who took home ec, sat out of gym class, always looked like his mom dressed him - he's a marked man.

But the highschool jock is another story. His entire self-worth is invested in the image he clings to, to save him from the shame.

If you truly love this guy, you need to be there for him, not for yourself. Let him know he can talk to you. Let him know you will let him go if that's what he needs, in order to create a space safe enough for the truth.

And he may never be ready for that.

Your expectations need to change. He's not in the same place you are. You either do whatever you can to help him find himself, or get out of his way because otherwise you'll only hurt yourself and earn his contempt for your pain and trouble.

I could be totally wrong on the dynamics here. I'm only projecting a little because the whole thing sounds just way too familiar. If so, kindly disregard post.

 

So I have an update on my situation with this guy. It's an epilogue to my story so to speak. So to recap, I was hooking up with a guy that I love(d) very much, but technically he was supposed to be straight. Well what has ended up happening so far has really surprised me.
First of all, he left abruptly to go to drug rehab. I was an absolute wreck emotionally when he left. I felt damaged and broken. You have to remember, for better or for worse this was my first love - straight or not so straight.
So anyway, when he was gone I was healing little by little. I was dreading the time that he would return. Rehab is only for a three month duration, after all.

So the day finally came. I got that phone call from him that I was dreading. When I spoke to him he sounded different. His voice sounded gruff as if he'd been through a lot. He immediately and formally addressed the relationship that we were having. He said that he was just screwed up on drugs and didn't know exactly what he was doing. He didn't blame me in any way or scold me as if he was upset. He did let me know that we could never be together in a sexual way again, but that he hoped to remain friends with me in the future.
My heart was happy and sad at the same time. Truth be told, I greatly enjoyed being intimate with him, but his friendship meant more to me than anything else so I can accept those terms. Part of accepting those terms also means, to me at least, that I can never be intimate with him in the future because he specifically told me that when he was sexually involved with me all of thise times, that it was the drugs not him that was doing it. So in the future, if he wants to be intimate with me, I'll have to assume that it's his addicition talking and not really him.
I'm trying very hard to remain friends with him because truth be told, the thought of him leaving my life completely wrecks me inside. Although that day, when I felt my heart melting in my chest, the fact that we hung out that night without anythign sexual happening put my mind at ease a bit.
Don't get me wrong, I do still love him very much. But he's going to die in someone else's arms and I have to live with that.

 

I can symphathize. I was in a relationship with a straight guy who is a couple of years younger than me. The relationship was amazing, unbelievable. But, i had to come to terms that he is alot younger than me, and has to make his own decisions and live his life. It sucked and still does. But i know that if it is meant to be, it will happen eventually. And if it isent, so it goes.

"its better to have loved, and lost, then to have never loved at all."
-you know who said this, right?
come on.

 

Well - I guess now for a final update. So this guy that I was seeing, well after all this time, about 2 years, and it hasn't been good in a long time - and, well, my feelings have finally started to change. I don't think I love him in the same kind of way anymore. He has gone back to the I hate you don't leave me kind of attitude and I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm at sort of a crosssroads in my life right now and I don't feel attracted to him anymore. Something is gone, something died. But what? What did I see in him that could produce such strong irresistible? It almost doesn't make sense. He isn't acting drastically different than he did before? Could I be growing up mentally and emotionally? Do you guys on this forum have any ideas?? :huh:

 

blinky i think u should write a book ur story really moved me and let me know thats its hope after the storm

 

Thank you Dominco, that means a lot to me, and thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to my thread. You really did help me. Just not knowing I was alone helped a lot.

 

So, I wanted to ad an addendum/epilogue to this story:

DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER DANGER
DANGER

I might be falling for this guy again. I was with intimate with
him on the 3rd and 4th of July. I can tell you that at least on
the 4th of july - the sex was amazing - probably the best gay sex
I've ever had. I lied and said that I was getting over this guy
because I wanted it to be true, but in my heart of hearts I really
wanted to see him again. So about a week ago, I called him - drunk
- letting him know that I missed my friend. I told him that I
didn't care about what happened between us sexually in the past, I
just wanted my friend back. He told me that he would call me back
in a few days and honestly, I wasn't expecting much.

But then he called and I couldn't believe it. Well, I could
believe that I would be lead on and be used again. However, I was
also incredibly horny and therefore followed the jellybean trail.
We ended up hanging out 4 days total.

So let me set the scene - I'm 28 and he's 22 - we were hanging out
at his mom's house while she was out of town for the week. The
first couple days were cool because we reconnected but weird
because I really wanted him and I think he could sense that. I
mean, I seriously lusted after him. It had been months since we'd
been together and I hadn't been with anyone else. I was exploding
with horniness.

The guy must have known that because he made a few slight
references to "US". Anyway, the second and third night we got
drunk together and I was sure that if something was going to
happen, it would happen on one of those nights.

The first night night we drank, nothing happened, but I had to go
to work the next day so that sort of overshadowed the fun. So
nothing happened that night. I ended up seeing him again the next
night and we drank even more this time and still nothing happened.
I remember thinking while with him during the evening that if
something were going to happen at all, it would happen then. Well,
I got really drunk and tired, so did he. We were all alone in his
house and he was playing a video game on a laptop in his room. He
asked me to sit in a chair conspicuously close to him for no reason
and I was waiting for the "invite" or "proposition" that never
came. He kept looking over at me during long silences and I felt
"it" in the air but still nothing. I ended up staying that night
at his house in a guest bedroom.

Well, I thought - that's it, I guess. I guess it's really over and
he was serious when he said that we could never "be together"
again. I was sort of depressed and sad. I really loved him and
being with him, yeah it wasn't super spectacular, but it was with
someone that I loved. Now, I felt cast back into an ocean of
meaningless hook ups and the "gay" internet/bar scene where finding
someone I loved like him could possibly take years!! I felt like I
had lost him and I hated that.

So anyway, he had informed me previously that it could never happen
again, so my hopes were really unfounded. By the next day, I had
come more into acceptance regarding the whole situation. I did
value his friendship very much. I mean, when I said that I loved
him, I love him because of who he is, not if he has sex with me or
not.

So I was accepting the fact that we were going to be just friends
and was not expecting anything more to happen between us sexually.
So when he called me over the next night, I came over with the knowledge that we were just friends and that nothing would happen between us sexually. I was completely WRONG. First of all, sexual tension completely filled the air making me crazy with desire. He was so soft spoken and patient, caring, making me WANT him. Oh my god my little head wanted to burst out of my pants.

The conversation kept turning to "US" and how I feel about him and how he feels about me and before I knew it - well what can I say, I love him and I lust after him and I couldn't help myself. During the encounter I told him that I loved him and he told me that he loved me. I asked him if he felt anything back towards me and he said that he did. He was so loving and gentle. It was everything that I wanted.

After that I left in the morning only to have him call me again during the day. He said that he was lonely and depressed because he was going to spend the 4th of July alone. That tugged at my heart strings and I went over to see him. That night I had the best gay sex that I've ever had. I felt like I was on "e" even though I hadn't taken any "e". It was crazy. He was finally reciprocating the feelings that I felt. I really never thought that I would get to this point with him. He was still so loving and gentle. Exactly what I love in a guy. A very masculine, straight guy in public and a tender, gentle, and caring guy in private.

Anyway, I feel as if I'm setting myself up for a big fall because even though we've has these intense sexual encounters he still says he's straight. I can tell that I am in BIG trouble. Why does love have to be so F'ED up!!

 

look babe that boy aint straight, whatever he is he is being it from a closet.

is there a drug that makes you gay? who needs roofies when you got a gay pill.