Is love really a reason to stay with someone? My boyfriend is worrying me, is he gay?

I've been with my boyfriend for a few months. He told me he has been curious about trying things with men. He can't remember if he has ever gotten off to gay porn, I honestly don't know how you can't remember something like that! He has told me he would never leave me for a man and he wants a family with me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and yes...I am all woman. o.o


But in the last few months he says he has thought about it and contemplated if he should go try something to see how he feels about it (with men). But he decided its not worth it and he wants me. He has said he wants me to get a strap on and use it on him and have him go down on it. Me being all understanding and loving him said I would give it a thought, although it would do nothing for me obviously. He said he wouldn't be thinking of a guy, which again, makes no sense to me. He admitted to having a crush on one of his old friends who is straight. He told me recently that if I leave him he will probably just be gay. I suspect he also has OCD and I wonder how that factors into all this.

So last night when we were having sex he wanted to know what his cum tasted like. I decided to spit some of it in his mouth. He thought it was weird at first and then seemed ok with it. And about 5 minutes later he wanted to do it again because he said he forgot what it tasted like. It didn't happen because I was sorta weirded out by the whole thing and started to worry about him liking it way too much -.-

Ok, I am pretty openminded but all of this is too weird to me. I want my boyfriend and potential husband to know what he wants and be sure of himself. I have gay friends and have been bi curious myself in the past. I accept that part of me and know now that I want a man in my life. I don't know what to do because I love my boyfriend but because of these things and many other incidences I don't think its going to last. Yet, he sees me as his soulmate. I have tried to explain that I love him enough to let him go figure himself out and that I would be there for him no matter what. But he wants to stick with me, or so he says.

opinions?

 

Well, at least he's been honest with you about it... It does sound like he's at least mostly gay though.

It sounds like you have a lot of love for each other so it would be a shame for the relationship to end completely, however he needs to figure out his sexuality in his own way in his own time. You seem to be willing to let him do this, but he seems determined to stay with you... I'm concerned that if the two of you stay together and pretend this never happened it's going to explode further down the line where you're both more likely to get (even more) hurt.

Depending on how you think you would feel about things, you could try to continue the relationship while giving him the space to explore himself in as guilt-free a way as possible... Or you could insist that he spends some time alone to figure it out - this needn't necessarily mean the end of your friendship...

It's a tricky situation... but IMO would be less tricky if society's expectations of sexuality and 'romantic' relationships was a little more realistic.

 

perhaps your boyfriend is bi, and enjoys both sexes, but is "obsessive" about being with a man because he's repressed it, since he loves you, and society still has a very dim view on homosexuality, and male bisexuality. i'm not sure he's showing you any signs (despite what he SAYS) that he's interested in "settling down" or getting married. he has things that he needs to work out for himself, and i totally applaud you for being so openminded and willing to have him figure that out for himself, no matter what it may mean for your relationship. that is truly a sign of love for another person.

that being said, i do wonder about your statement that doing him with a strapon, or having him go down on your strapon would "obviously" not do anything for you. i just wanted to make sure that you are aware that you can get strapons with vibrating (or not) dildos that slip inside your vagina while you are wearing the strap on, as well as they are designed so that the base of the strapon cock rubs your clit. it is most DEFINITELY not going to only give pleasure to him. not to mention that pleasing your partner is a huge turnon... at least it is for me!

but the question i guess you have to ask yourself regarding the relationship is... if he discovers that he's bi, and wants to be with both you and other guys, or indulge in this type of role-playing in the bedroom... is that something you can or are willing to deal with in order to continue the relationship? sounds like you two have a lot of communicating to do!

 

Wow, treehugger - you said everything I was going to. You're so cool. I second what she said!

He certainly can remember whether he's gotten off to gay porn. The answer is yes. He didn't forget what his own cum tasted like, either. He's clearly at least bi. The jury might still be out on whether he's gay or just bi. (Even "If you leave me I'll just be gay" could mean all kinds of things - it might not actually be the truth, whether he knows it or not.)

And like Treehugger said, I think it's really wonderful how open-minded you're trying to be about it. You're a good person.

It sounds like you're trying to be completely open about it but he's not able to be completely honest back, or at least not yet. That's frustrating, and it's self-defeating as well.

I don't know about the "many other occurrences", of course, but it does sound like this is going to be a tough one to work out. I hope whichever way it does work out is the way that makes you both happiest.

Keep us posted! We're here if you want to give an update or just vent about it.

 

your boyfriends a weirdo! i'd say just leave him and get on with your life. let him be truly happy with men or whatever. there's plenty of fish in the sea?

 

how is that even remotely helpful? someone is NOT a "wierdo" just because they are confused about their sexuality, or they like something a little "different" in the bedroom. we are not all cookie cutter images of each other. in fact, we are all beautiful individuals! including yourself

 

wow treehugger you are such a role model and example. <3

 

Confusedlittleone,

Now I'm confused, you've been dating this guy for a few months, but you refer to him as a 'potential husband'.

Seems an unnecessary amount of pressure to put on you, him and the relationship at this stage of the game.

Sounds like he might be headed down the little yellow brick road to gaydom (a few red flags in your story), but only time will tell, whats the rush?

 

I completely agree. He sounds as if he's going through what we all go through before we "come out" and it's called denial. The only difference between a man in the closet with a wife and children and a gay man comfortable with himself is their ability to accept themselves and not be repressed. You also wouldn't want to encourage his lie by having his children just so that it fits a lifestyle that he thinks is right. Just be honest with him and tell him how you feel. If you try to repress what you're feeling at the moment you're no less confused than he is. Give each other space and let him figure things out on his own (with your help if he needs it) but do NOT let him know that there's a possibility of you two getting back together after this point because it will only hinder his ability to explore. Finally, there are different ways of expressing your love for each other. This sounds as if it's a relationship that should be held on to even if not in a romantic way. There's at least the possibility that you'll remain great friends. Good luck.


~further

 

Wow, Byrdman, you've got some wisdom in back of your years. Well put and great advice.

Confused one, You have some good insight already. Sounds like you boyfriend is caught in a whirlwind of emotion and feelings. He may feel like he needs to hold on to your relationship so that he has something solid in his life. Although he probably isn't trying to be mean, it would be real unfair to you to simply be his anchor. Let the guy know that you were attrached to him for the person he is before sex ever became part of the relationship...Let him know that you still care for the person he is but that he has to sort out his feelings. Too many guys are afraid of their sexuality and try to bury it by getting married. That kind of situation doesn't work well. Too many issues of trust, doubt, fear and pain. Some of us have been there and done that. Be kind to yourself, tell him you love him for who he is, BUT, he has to find out how life has put him together so that he can give love back in the appropriate way. Good luck to both of you.

 

how close is he with his parents? Is he someone, that as a child obeyed them with little to no question? Was his worst fear their disappointment? Ask him about these things, and if these are true, ask him this: what are your parents views on homosexuality? Mind you, these will be his thoughts on their view, not their real views. If he says they weren't accepting, then this might be his way of pleasing his parents. But don't jump to conclusions, you could be wrong.

 

Well, thanks for all your advice, it is greatly appreciated ^.^. I do love him and care about him tremendously but as far as having a romantic relationship, there just isn't any way I can continue. If I were to continue a relationship with him it would have been unhealthy for both of us. There were other factors I considered for the break up. He has some solid friends and he does have a great relationship with his parents, so I think he will be ok. I decided that it was best for both of us to part ways. I try to keep an open mind and love everyone, I just would like my boyfriend to be sure of himself and know that he at least wants to be with just me. I am sure he will find himself someday and find happiness, or at least I can only wish him that. As far as I go, I will deal with this pain and move on, its the way life goes. I will embrace the single life and i'm sure love with enter my heart when it needs to. Again, thanks for all your responses and I wish all of you the best in life! Take care <3

 

Good for you...you don't sound like a confused little one, you sound well anchored in life. Que te vaya bein, Steve

 

I know you feel for him, and I hope you help him through, but always put yourself first. You can't stay in a relationship that is hurting you just to help someone else out. As far as whether hes gay or not...well everyone wants to jump to conclusions about what someone else is or isn't, but the truth is only that individual can know for themselves. In time he might accept that he is, or he might discover that he isn't. Either one is fine. But I do think that him not being in a relationship would press the issue a bit more, and give him space to figure it out.
Anway, you sound like a really great person and I wish you the best of luck.

 

he definitely likes the thought of gay sex - yeah definitely likes the pink cadillac to be driven up Chuff Mountain

If you dont like the thought of him doing that then its important you dont commit yourself to a lifestyle you cant handle. Its not ALL about him is it? It also has to be what you want out of a relationship and if it's not then I say ditch the guy and find someone that doesnt represent what you find unbearable

Love is not everything in a relationship - before trusting someone you have to wonder about them and if what you find out does not tally with what you wanted to know then dont stay - plenty more guys will fall in love with you and be decent enough that you fall in love with them and probably without the all the hassles this guy could present

Who knows, years from now he may be happily married to a guy and have all the anal sex he wants and loads of cum in his mouth - but if you stay with him he might have missed the opportunity to do that and will be miserable and start arguing a lot who knows it might all get ugly and you've wasted years of your life with him