Call 1-800-334-LIFE and ask for David Miscavige or Lord Xenu. Basically, if you call or contact asking for Suri Cruise, make sure the number won't be tracked. *67, in most cases of $cientology contact, most definitely will NOT work. That's not to say it won't work, but remember these volcano fearing people are serious business. If you are feeling ballsie ask why there is a Volcano on the cover of Dianetics ($cientology Bible). You should know the answer and tell them about Xenu and the bombs. They will flip out. The Scientologists have established a center across the street from the University of Texas in order to prey on the weak. Their phone number is 512-474-6631. You should call them and ask about Operation Snow White, Lord Xenu, or some combination thereof, then giggle and hang up. Also, conference call multiple CoS's, with yourself on mute. When they realize that it's a prank and hang up, repeat at least 100 times. lulz ensue. Remember after you have contacted, the others will begin to not pick up or answer. Instead, they will leave an answer machine on. Lulz will continue to ensue, once you realize they will disconnect the answering machines once you say anything about "Xenu" or Aleister Crowley, etc. For best results when they answer, ask the person that picks up if they are "clear". Most likely at some point they will ask for your name, or ask if you exist. Yes, they will actually ask, "Do you exist" / "What crimes have you done..", and so on. Next time you go to Safeway or another large supermarket, head for the magazine aisle. There are usually 8 or 9 subscription postcards on the floor, which have fallen from various magazines. Pick them all up and take them home. It doesn't matter which magazines they are from, but it's extra lulzy if one is Psychology Today. Then, fill them all out with names like Ron Hubbard, Xenu Hubbard, Ron Xenu, David Xenu Miscavige. Bonus lulz and epic win points for using Sara Northrup or Mary Sue Hubbard for subscriptions to women's magazines, as these were two of the IRL wives of LRH. Give the address of your local "Church" of Scientology. Always go for the two-year plans, choose free gifts when offered, etc. Car and Driver, Tiger Beat, Seventeen, Guns & Ammo, High Times, Model Airplane Builder, they're all good. Especially lulzy choices: Soldier of Fortune (this adds the victim to right wing gun nut mailing lists); High Times (this adds the the victim to left wing hemp-legalization mailing lists) and Architectural Digest (because the subscription is so painfully expensive...and it adds the victim to a few other artsy fartsy mailing lists.) You can also have some of these names give "gift" subscriptions to the others. So, for example, Ron Hubbard at the Los Angeles "Church" address, can sign up for two years of Cat Fancy, and give two years of it as a gift to his pal Dave Miscavige in San Francisco! "Bill me later!" Lulz me now! Now, you will probably not get to personally see the havoc you will cause, but you can certainly imagine these serious Scientologists trying to clear up these misunderstandings with the magazine companies, who will soon begin to send angrier and angrier form letters to the "Church," in addition to several issues of the magazines. Normal people, of course, would ignore the whole situation, but the Scientologists will waste limitless, countless hours on the phone, showing up in person, etc. trying to fix it (aka, "Handle", with a rough situation for them being called a "flap". Stir enough shit and you create a HUGE "flap". A massive flap is known as a "Hill 10"), spelling out all the subscriber names, magazine titles, etc. It will be incredibly and unrelentingly futile and infuriating for them. Therein lies your joy. All magazine subscriptions (in the USA) are processed through contractor companies based for some reason mostly in Iowa. The editorial offices in New York won't have the faintest idea of what to do. The subscription offices in Iowa employ retired, half-sane, half-blind old people and people who got fired from Goodwill to sort the hundreds of thousands of postcards and do data entry. It will simply not be fixable. Repeat this procedure every time you go to the supermarket, bookstore, library, etc. Don't try doing this through online subscriptions. Interestingly, a "paper" trail now also means that it is "untraceable." Needless to say, don't mention the CoS on the subscription card. The correct format will be something like this: Ronaldo Del Hubbardella Teegeacko 701 Montgomery Street San Francisco, CA 94101 The best way to troll an individual Scientologist, is to talk openly and loudly about the Xenu Story. This information is not revealed to a Scientologist until they reach the level of OT III (incident 2) and only after they have paid upwards of $360,000 USD. The Church of Scientology, not wishing people to realize what a huge joke the Xenu story is, thus "blowing their Org" (leaving the Church quickly and without warning) and taking that ever-delicious cash with them, warn Scientologists that hearing about Xenu before they are "prepared" (read: sufficiently brainwashed and have made with the long green) to hear it will give them pneumonia and possibly make them die. Many public Scientologists have not reached OT III due to the high cost, and despite pressure from the Church to give up things like food, shelter, electricity and possibly selling an organ or two to reach this lofty level, this increases the chance that you will be able to "enturbulate" ("piss off") an active Scientologist increases exponentially, as does the chance of lulz. To troll Scientologists en masse IRL is very simple. Just go to one of their "Orgs" (their word for "Church" or "Mission") and carry a lot of cameras. Hang around and take plenty of pictures, even if there is no film in the cameras, gawk at the gagglefuck of Scienos going to and from the Org and generally stand out. You will soon be surrounded by Scientology security goons, who will harass you and tell you to fuck off, even though you are on public property. If you refuse, they will get very cross with you and speak endlessly into their walkie talkies. Scientologists will emerge from inside the Org, armed with video cameras and take YOUR picture, get extremely agitated, ask you what your "crimes" are and generally be asshats. For epic win, wait around til the cops they called show up and blame everything on the Scienos being paranoid, militaristic bastards. For ultimate lulz, if you are unfortunate enough to live in Los Angeles, drive your car to L. Ron Hubbard Way (yes, this really exists), which sits between their international headquarters and the the barracks where they rape new recruits. Make sure that you remove your license plates before doing this as they will have numerous cameras trained on you. Roll your windows down and bump your phat beats, then slow down or stop for a moment, rev your engine up high and dump the clutch - or, if you have an automatic, put it into "N," hit the gas, and then when it's revving, pop it back into "D." You will do what is called a "rolling burnout" on the red brick road. drive a real RWD vehicle and do the best burnout you can. Numerous Scientologists will look on in abject horror as two long, black lines are left in your wake. Tire marks are a serious pain in the ass to get out of red brick and they'll marr the sacred L. Ron Hubbard Way for weeks, until LA's "public works" finally gets around to it, or they force new victims to scrub it by hand. Warning: Agitated Scientologists have been known to assault people whom they even suspect of being "bigoted" towards their religion. There is, however, a beautifully subtle and pernicious way of screwing up the brains of an Agitated Scientologist; Listed below are things you can say to a Scientologist that would instantly stop them in their tracks and cause them to think. Sorry, each is written in the dialect of crazy fucking moon language that the Scientologists speak in, so memorize them carefully. * "No one has the right to sell you Scientology. It belongs to the entire human race". * "Where have all the millions of trained auditors gone?. Ask RTC." * "The Religious Technology Center is squirreling Hubbards books. Compare recent and earlier editions" * "David Miscavige murdered L. Ron Hubbard" * "The SP is right in front of you: David Miscavige". * "If it weren't for the Religious Technology Center, you'd be OT by now. * Will you make it this lifetime? Not if RTC has anything to say about it". * "PR can't hide the Truth anymore. RTC is destroying Scientology." * "It's your next endless trillions of years. Are you going to let RTC doom you?" * "The work was free, keep it so ..." * "The entire bridge is on the Internet. You don't have to pay anyone for it" * "Scientology. The Rich Person's religion" * "Only the idle rich can afford Scientology". * "90% of your contributions are going toward legal fees. Outpoint?"These may sound like gibberish, but saying them to a Scientologist is akin to Martin Luther nailing his 95 Theses onto the door of a Catholic Church and starting the Reformation. And a good, hearty Scientologist-vs-Scientologist Holy War would be an endless sea of Lulz! Since criticizing / discussing Scientology is considered "Verbal Tech" (and thus forbidden), what's more likely to happen is that any Scientologist with enough of their brains intact will either blow after a few minutes of thought, or run like the wind as soon as he gets sent to Ethics for daring to question the Church
