Alterna~Parenting

Everyone said it would be hard. It's easy really while youa re at home but sharing the views is hard. And I never really want to explain myself. I don't feel like I should have to but on the other hand when people ask what my views on parenting are I let them know. Then people think I sound a bit over protective in some issues but I don't see it that way. I am just active in his life and I am active in whats going on. Rather then ignoring things that I don't agree with and letting things happen to my child...I am there. I hate the line that people use " well my parents did this with me and I turned out ok" No...Think for yourself. Take time out to learn something NEW. It jsut may be better for your child.

 

i cant stand it when people say that. i know that my parents made a LOT of mistakes and that i would have turned out a lot better if they had've done things differently. i'll probably do some things wrong too, but at least i make a conscientious effort and do some research before i make my mistakes.

 

My mother fusses at me all the time for being "strict" with my daughters. Especially what they eat. I don't let Virginia have anything with refined sugar-gasp! she's 19 months old!-and I don't let Maddie drink soda! How horrible of me.

I hate that line too, Apple and nimh. It's like "We let you play in the street, and you didn't die, so it must be okay!"

I was waiting for Maddie's school to let out the other day, when these two women walked up to the school. They were talking about putting their babies in daycare...it's at church, they call it something else, but come on, it's still daycare. Anyway, one was trying to convince the other that it is BETTER for her child to be in daycare then at home. "It gets him used to being away from you, it gives you time to do your errands, etc." And by errands, these women mean gym, hair, shopping, nails. Also "I see so many kids who are home with their moms all the time, and they just don't adjust as well..."
EXCUSE ME? Why the hell are you a stay at home mom if you are going to send your kids off to daycare anyway?? They piss me off.
But, I just reassure myself that I am doing the right thing for my daughter by actually raising her myself (and her daddy-who stays home during the day and works in the evening) instead of some strangers who could give two shits about her.

 

I would so love to stay home with Dakota. He's in day care because I work. But he's in the same building I'm in. I can pop in if I want to.

We also don't give soda or stuff like that. Unfortunately he has discovered french fries and hash browns. But that's because of my addiction. Some people think when we start listing his allergies that we are just not letting him have certain foods. But he has serious consequences if he eats things he's allergic to. Especially family members and the day care think we're just being weird. Stand firm in what you will and will not allow your child to do. They got to make choices for their child. Now you get to make choices for yours.

Kathi

 

Just so I'm not misunderstood, I don't think that parents who use daycare are bad, I understand a lot of people HAVE to have two incomes, or single parents, etc. I had Maddie in daycare when she was younger when I was single. I just hate when the mothers are already at home, and HAVE to drop the kids off because they get in the way.

 

I know how you feel, Apple (and other mamas.) I have a lot of "alternative" childrearing ideas (Like the radical notion that children are HUMANS! LOL!)

People give me a hard time when I am just doing what I think is best for my kids and I am NOT asking their opinion. Had an aquaintance in my driveway when Sage was about one (and latched on nursing) asking me if she was "sleeping though the night yet." She wasn't. So what? So she points at the kid nursing, right where the baby can hear, and says, "If you stop doing THAT, she will sleep through." I said that Sage's still getting up because she needed me seemed like a bigger problem to this womyn than it was to Sage or me or my dh. But she would always ask me (for years) if Sage was weaned and if she was "sleeping through the night." I DIDN'T CARE if the baby did or not, but this womyn cared more than I did. I don't see how it effected her, but of course she is the classic "I didn''t BF and my kids are fine...I let them cry themselves to sleep and they are fine, I hit them and they are fine ect ect." I want my kids BETTER than "fine."

"FINE" isn't good enough for my kids and I can do better than "fine" raising my kids.

Apple, parent yours the way you KNOW is right. Good parenting is OFTEN harder than "Just OK" parenting, and people are always going to be defensive about that, when they see you doing MORE than "just fine."

 

We have cousins that give their little guy little smacks on the hand when he doesn't 'obey' and the kid is mason's age! They tell him NO all the time. We have resorted to letting them babysit a couple times, and they always say 'Oh mason was so good! blah blah ". Its sad really. The more people try to impose adult concepts on young children, the harder they make the fight.

People have this horrible mis perception that children should act like adults and there's something wrong with them if they don't. When in reality, they are not adults, they don't have adult brains or years of experience to pull from and adults just confuse them developmentally by trying to force them to be like adults.

The funny thing is, the hippies back in the day had an insight into certain things that are good for kids. Not saying all hippies were good or bad parents, of course. But the hippie culture definately was alternative in its parenting style and had some great insights, such as treating kids like humans, and trying to understand what it means to be human.

These days, scientific facts are available to us, if we only look, that back up a lot of the "alternative" parenting styles.

People have some crazy suggestions. I like to try and stay as informed as possible about the developmental needs of our son, and when I get those crazy suggestions my fav reply is:

"Where did you get an idea like that?"

TV is good for Kids!
Where did you get an idea like that?
I read it in newsweek.
Wow I can't believe newsweek would say that! i've read mutliple studies and there is lots of published research on this subject in the last decade and all of it points to the opposite understanding that its actually not good for a young child's developing brain. I have some resources I can share if you're interested in learning more about brain development and TV.


Now that I think about it, that should have been my response in these damned TV threads that have been around. hehe.

 

You go mamas! I had a fight with my MIL and GMIL over dumb things.I did not want my child to have Birthday cake because it was too sugary. I do not like pickles either for Gaea. They try to sneak things that I have said "no" too. They cant handle my parenting and me telling them overwise. It is really frustrating but Im glad that there are other STRONG MAMAS out there.

Thank you guys.

 

I'm always walking on eggshels around family members about these same things you all talk of too. and my childless friends do not understand my ways at all. One night we all were sitting around ..me and some of my "friends" they were trying to convince me that by not spanking my son he will eventualy walk att over me and he won't know who's boss. I'm sure you all know what to think about that bullcrap. But it makes me have a sick feeling in my belly. That children are still spanked and abused and always will be.

 

My father,his wife and her family all believe little boys have to be violent.Dad's other grandsons (his wife's grandchildren) play violent video games,watch violent movies rated PG13,and have violent toys (weapons,scary-looking action figures,etc) These boys routinely say things like "Grandpa Iif you don't give me ice cream I'll punch you,I'll kick you in the head,I'll beat you up" etc while everybody else laughs at how "cute" this is.These boys are 7 and 4 years old. I really really really don't want my son (almost 20 months old) around them. He is very shy and sensitive and frightens easily.They say he is "a sissy" and needs "to toughen up". They say he is gentle now but soon he will be violent like a "normal boy". Yuck!

 

Aww that's so sad, my brother has always been 'senstive'. He's 15 now and a beautiful human being; poliet, respectful, compassionate to animals/children/old people/everyone else.

Totally agree with you Apple. I don't have children yet (no human ones anyway) but am trying to figure it out now, rather than too late.

I talk to my parents (mainly Mum) about my proposed parenting style, she didn't raise us that way and doesn't really understand/agree with it. She talks about how we turned out 'fine', but like Maggie said fine isn't really good enough.
They did the best they good, which wasn't bad. But I'm trying to improve and what my parents did, that's how progress works.

 

Terripin, you stick to your guns (hmm, kind of a wrong analogy.) A boy can be "all boy" and rough and tumble and still not be violent and wanting to hurt people. My ds Lennon (12) is a rough and tumble little guy, he likes to wrestle, jump around, climb trees, make a LOT of noise ect, but we don't allow ANY video games in our house either (we don't own a Nintento or an X or anything like that.) He can goof around, and play like a maniac and not be threatening or violent. I cannot imagine him threatening his grandpa or his dad or anyone! That just wouldn't be allowed, much less encouraged in our house. Your son can be sensitive and masculine as well.

One does not have to be violent to be a "normal boy!" Sensitivity is NOT incompatible with masculinity, lots of boys are sensitive to others feelings, while still being active and "all boy." One doesn't have to be mean and violent to be a man. Keep raising your son the way you know is best.

 

Real men have compassion.

"that by not spanking my son he will eventualy walk att over me and he won't know who's boss."

Where did you get an idea like that???? hehehehehe



Where's the dads up in this thread???

 

I've got a lot of really bad advice from others" your son will be gay if you let him do that" Is another one I have wanted to scream about. He's a CHILD. He dosen't even know girl from boy he's so human. We project these adult views on children.

One was my cousin telling me how they stick their young baby in his crib as punishment....they also spank him for really stupid things..just because they don't understand his needs. I can see his needs plain as day but it's not my place.

One that really got me was how his son was eating at the dinner table and he told me he gives him small pieces at a time (...not because he will choke or be overwhelmed by portion size) He said he gives him a small bit at a time so that he will have to ask for more and it will make him appritiate the food more. WTF idea is that? A baby/toddler can't appritiate.

 

My son is only one month old.

Miranda's mom sees him a couple times a week.


She has already tried to undermine me by teeling Miranda (behind my back):

He doesn't need formula, just milk and maybe baby rice cereal.

Second-hand smoke isn't going to be a problem for him.

Picking up when he's fussy will spoil him (remember he's only one month old).

Watching television before he's two isn't something to worry about.

It keeps going...

Her relatives are killing me!

Everytime I see them their telling me how I'm doing stuff wrong.

I hate to visit them now.

 

I'm not against giving advise, but they just don't stop nagging about how their way is better and mine is just dumb.

 

yeah but they don't have to live with the kid or the choices daily and they arnt there later on for the aftermath of things daily eather so the way I figure is go with your heart. Advice is cheep sometimes. Especially if they really don't know waht they are talking about. My parents did the same crap. Yogiforpeace's mom too....before he was even born .... and everyone had soemthing to say about why we SHOULD circumsize our son. Thank goodness I learned about that first.

 

I firmly believe that when it comes to parenting, advice shouldn't be given unless it is asked for. Otherwise, it's just telling the parent that they are raising their child/ren wrong.

 

wow! i didn't realize that everyone has these same problems.


everyone has to put their 2 cents in about how you are raising your child. That, i think is just human nature, and back in the day, when families got along with each other and were closer, that advice was much appreciated. now, people are just plain mean and inconsiderate. this world has become a very hateful world, and very competative. that is why people think that they have to tell you their child did this and that:better, sooner, faster, etc.

also, there are all of these different parenting styles, magazines and all that. everyone is going to have read something, or watched something. ie: i just recently got a parenting magazine that had the question "Should you let your baby cry herself to sleep?" well they have views from both sides printed, and the "no" views were basically what we all believe, babies want security and when they don't get it it does them no good. but other people have read somewhere or heard from someone, that you should let a baby cry it out. well these were posted in there also. both opinions had no scientific proof to back them up. it was pretty much choose which way you want to do it.

that is where people these days get their parenting tips. so when someone asks you why you do something that way, you had better have some solid proof, cuz they are going to come right back at you with why it is wrong.

and how sad it is that we have to argue with people on how to raise OUR OWN children

--sweetpeace