My Coming Out and Issues

I'm really glad I found this forum, because I can tell my story, and feelings, and remain secure and anonymous.

I live in Canada (in the Prairies), in a small rural farm-based community. I'm in Grade 10 in High School and am 15.

Well...I finally came to terms with the fact that I'm gay this X-Mas 2007. What happened was I came out to my older brother (who is like 15 years old their me and is 30). His reaction was great...he was the first person I have ever told. He told me he knew for a couple years now (because he is a computer techie and well...gay porn), and he had been putting out hints for a long time to get me to come out to him. He would make little comments when I was younger making me think "omg...he knows", but now I know he did that to make me feel like I had someone when I was read. He'd say things like "I know your gay, and I'll accept you" in a joking manner, and I would just bluff it.

Well he really has helped me a lot, and to have one person I can talk to in my family is really amazing to have.

I have been in denial for so long (their is the whole religious aspect, I'll get to that in a bit), and you know had those thoughts like "k, if your first sexual experience is with a women, it will change you back to normal". But I realized I never wanted to be one of those types of people living a lie, getting married, having kids, doing the whole DownLow thing. I couldn't choose that life for myself.

So when I told my brother we had a really long talk when he was home for Christmas holidays. And over the last few weeks I am secure now in knowing I am a gay guy, and its more of a matter of time for me now. Its almost so weird...I can't wait to come out and begin living.

The thing that eats up at me still is my parents...I have older parents, in their 50s rate now. They came from a different time...they came from the time it was known as a disease, not normal, wrong, etc. So both my mom and dad have that whole social conservative aspect on it. But my mom is the hardest thing....she has the whole Evangelical Christian religious aspect...that is wrong, sinful, bla, bla, bla. Its hurt me so much to listen to the comments of bigotry over the years.

In a way I think they know though, and it will be more obvious in the coming years...I honestly think their in denial. Like one day I was looking for a book in my closet (of all palces....ironic, eh?) and my mom was talking about something and said "Why are you in the closet" in what was a really sad voice, and I was silent for a moment and said... "just getting a book"

My brother has amazingly paved the way a bit. When my brother finished university and left for Vancouver, his first room mate turned out to be gay...and now he is a straight guy who shares an apartment with to other gay guys. So through his experience of breaking out of the fundamentalist view on it and learning their is nothing wrong with it, he has sort of paved my parents to more of the "their is nothing wrong with 'them' as people, but their lifestyle is immoral and wrong".

So where they are pleasant and tolerate it when they visit my brother and his gay friends, but they still have the judgment.

Being raised in this has thrown me in a lot of confusion and denial when I was younger.

So for me, coming out is no easy task...

All in all my plan is too continue being in the closet, and slowly tell more people I trust around me (my brother knows, I can tell some friends or long distance contacts I trust), and when I leave for university in 2.5 years and finally live on my own, I'll come out to my parents...this way even if its hard, I don't have to live with them day-to-day, while they are dealing with it.

And I am in rural community...you may think everything is "liberal" in Canada, but not in the rural areas, they are pretty much paramount to your midwest/south red state Republican type towns. So I will not be openly gay while I am attending high school here, and living here.

Thats why I feel its best after I graduate and move too a city for university, because:

a) living on my own, can tell parents, and not have to live with them every day through it all
b) you start a whole new social circle, and you can *finally* start being who you are.

I am really counting down the days till university, I so badly want to come out and be who I am, but because of where I live, and my parents I can't do that - yet.

I have some other really interesting aspects that makes my homosexuality different from the "mainstream" come outs.

I'm a Conservative. Yes, I am. I am not a liberal, and will never fall into the GBLT community left wing activist agenda ever. I believe in small government, lower taxes, tough on crime, I oppose abortion, I believe in upholding certain Judeo-Christian traditions. But I am sort of dealing with the GBLT issue in my political idealogy. Canada has gay marriage (and civil unions too).... I grew up with the traditional family unit, and I honestly believe in it...but when I day dream about my future and a committed relationship I ask myself "would i ever want to call my future partner for life a husband", and I find myself saying "yes". And well adoption is something I support too.

So I find this has sort of taken my political idealogy too your Typical Republican/Conservative minus gay marriage/civil unions and gay adoption, and minus a tad of the christian extremism.

The other thing is I want to be involved in politics, I want a job in government or behind-the-scenes party politics. In away I thank God I am in Canada. Our Conservative Party here is not OCD on social conservatism like the U.S. Republicans. I could never pursue my career goals of helping the Conservative Revolution in the current state of U.S. politics. So while Canada has its share of social conservatives on this issue, and our Conservative Party is pro-civil-unions/anti-gay-marriage, I can do what I want to do here.

Which throws me all in a loop considering the "Gay Community" (no offense to anyone here) is very tied to the left/liberal side of the spectrum.

The thing is I like the idea of a "community" because we are a minority and to go out with people is different...9 out of 10 people are straight, so you can't find people like straight people do, so thats what I like about it. But I don't like the activism, and the pride aspect. I don't believe in having pride in something you don't choose/decide. I'm gay, I didn't choose this, I was born with it, so I am no proud with it, I'm just accepting this is who I am. Its such a double standard in my opinion...can you imagine the media outrage with:

"I'm Here! I'm White! Get Used to It!"

I don't like the pride aspect...and other thing I have trouble with is how the certain activist types make it their entire identity. I believe its a small detail of who I am, and I don't like how some people let if consume them into making it their entire identity.

i don't want people to first think "gay" when they think of me, I'd want that more on the bottom of the list.

So I have trouble with a lot of aspects of the GLBT community...



The other thing thats been hard is religion. I was raised in a Evangelical Christian type belief, and my coming to temrs with being gay has thrown it all out of loop.

I believe Christ/God is a merciful and loving God, I don't believe God would make me one way, then make the thing I'm born with a sin, and go to Hell. That doesn't make sense. So I cannot accept that type of God in my life.

This also means I can't fully accept the Bible in a 100% reading of it....so really my religion has come to more of the basics of it all. I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins so we could be forgiven and go to Heaven. Thats all I believe, I don't take a religious stance on anything else.

The other wacko thing is I grew up with the moral "No Sex before marriage". Well um I'm gay and marriage in the bible is defined has heterosexual...so where the heck do I get my sexual morals from now? lol...I'm actually a virgin, and probably will continue to be until I come out and start seeing guys...I guess my moral is no one-night stands, it should be with someone you love in a committed long-term relationship.

See getting back to the unique thing about my situation is I am walking between two sides here in the middle. I will live my life with the pressure of the left-wing activist faction of the Gay Community to conform to that lifestyle/viewpoint then the social conservative side telling me I chose this or am doing something wrong.

2 sides pulling from 2 different extremes...uh.

This is really great to be able to just come out and say everything to people here....I look forwards to responses. So basically my issues are:

1) Coming out to parents
2) Religious Confusion
3) Political Viewpoint
4) My Issues with the GBLT community

I would like some opinions on #4 from people....I just really don't like the activist left-wing type of thing that goes on. My activism stops at being able to have sex (meaning no sodomy laws etc.) with a man, and being to able to live my life without fear. Gay marriage and adoption are somethings I support, but their not things I need to be happy in my opinion. I don't like Pride when its something your born with, and I don't like how its expected to consume your entire identity...

The other thing I hate is the stereotypes.

I'm not creative (well I do play piano, but I hate music and art), I'm not a decorator, I don't have that terrible unattractive (imo) voice. I guess the only stereotype I could mold too is I obsess with my looks, I am trying to lose 15 pounds, beef up, rid myself of the acne, the white pearly teeth, good hair, and stuff. This next year is my year to transform my personal image.

I have always been 15-20 pounds overweight (which I believe is related to my confusion when I was younger of being gay....just tuning out from the world).

And is it wrong if I am not attracted to the feminite-looking type? lol...I'm mostly attracted to the straight looking types. (Again no offense here..) I am not attracted to the prancing tank-top, stereotypical type of gay person.

Erg... this last month has been helish weigh through all these issues that are bugging me, not knowing the future.

Wow, did I rant...sorry.

In all respect to everyone here, although I have issues with GBLT community aspects, I respect you people for paving the way to make my coming out easier in a more accepting society. That...I appauld.

I look forward to responses...thanks everyone.

 

Yeah, the LGBT has pretty much done it's job in Canada, we have equal rights and whatnot, I think. Well congratulations on coming out, at least a little...but shouting it out to all your conservative neighbors and family isn't as great as it's made out to be.

It's wierd, I thought there were probably bible-thumpers in canada, but we don't have around here in North Ontario.... guys don't usually talk about it much and girls worship gay guys. Kinda sad really cause their usually real shallow types they wouldn't be caught dead talking to if they were girls...

And you don't need to be uber-gay pride supporting just 'cause you're gay. Some people like that are really obnoxious and annoying and just do it for attention.

^and congradulations, you've discovered a secret some of the oldest forum ppl haven't heard about...the enter key. fuck i hate giant walls of text so *high five*

 

Thanks, yeah I guess I'm gay and I accept it, but I don't want to get sucked into the uber-pride thing. I'm not about that. Its a small detail of who I am. I don't need to have pride/proud in it and I don't need to have it consume my identity.

When people think of me, I want "gay" to be near the bottom of the list not the top, as I think its that minor in who I am as a person.

I fear my parents a bit and fear hurting them, but screw it, I mean I have to live my life, and can't worry about protecting them.

See my mom is the type who would love me *unconditionally*, but she would be praying for me behind my back to "change".

Like my brother has gone from Christian to Agnostic now, and my mom still loves him but is praying for him to "change back".

Like thats the way she is...

I do have a lot of bible-thumpers where I live, I live in a large Mennonite region (German Christian Fundamentalists), so I won't be coming out where I live, not till university...

Cheers and thank you for your response!

 

Oh cool, your 15 too!

I usually don't think High School is the place to do it...university/college is more diverse and people take it better their.

 

Well, I hope it works out for you. I myself am probably working the same plan as you. I have been confused with my sexuality for a while, but recently, I just said "SCREW THIS" and decided to accept the fact that I like boys... Well, I'm glad your brother is understanding, and I hope everyone else you tell is too.

 

i dunno, if one of my good friends or someone i liked asked i'd admit to it, but other than that it's no. cause then you have to deal with everyone judging you, and even when they say they accept you they act all wierd, and there's like a bazilion people who come up to you to see if it's true....really not worth it if you think it'll get out,

 

Hey buddy,

Well, congratulations on accepting it at such a young age, gratz. Umm, highschool being the way it is, its probably not the best place to be openly gay, people are still, funny about it.

As for the religious thing:
I was raised christian, and am agnostic, just for the record, being gay had nothing to do with it. I am no expert on the bible, but from what knowledge I have, theres just about only one obscure verse in leviticus that calls "homosexuality an abomination." There are also alot of other random rules and laws in leviticus which are completely ignored, because they just arent applicable or relevant in today's society, the world has changed since.

Homosexuality has never been a fundamental part of christianity and according to the bible, its basically completely ignored. (afaik) Strictly speaking, according to christian dogma, afaik, its not condemned and is a non-issue, religiously.

But there are christians out there, who despise homosexuality and look to their religion and say its against god's law and stuff, i have no time for such types. If your concerned, read through leviticus, find the lone random verse and especially read what it says around it and draw your own conclusions. (like it also says its okay to stone your neighbours if they work on the sabbath, or other random stuff) Or if theirs a priest you can talk to, that you can trust and who is, sensible, that could also be a good idea.

EDIT: Take a look at this link: http://www.mambaonline.com/article.asp?artid=1558

ArchBishop Desmond Tutu is a hugely well respected man in South Afirca. (I am South African btw)

GBLT Community:

Its not really a community in the sense that it has people of common ideals interests etcetra, its about sexuality, and encompasses every social class and every culture, its a huge variety of very very very different people. Just because your gay, you cant expect to have things in common with all the people in it. Granted the sexuality and perscution bit, brings teh "community together" common understanding and the desrire to help each other out. But dont be concerned if you, "don't fit in", there is no, one way to be gay.

And just be aware taht those gay parades, are about telling society that there is this subculture here and its normal and its an attempt to bring about acceptance of it. I dont like the idea of parading either, havent done it and dont intend to, point is, they've done alot of good, in terms of making homosexuality more acceptable, it was alot harder being gay, a number of decades back.

Honestly, good luck with your parents, I dont have ne pearls of wisdom there. Trust that they love you no matter what. :/

And political view points, damn kid, okay its good taht you are concerned about it, but i think you can put taht one off for a few years?

 

Well the politics is a big deal to me because I want a job in government/political party some day, lol.

But thanks for your advice.

I just told one of my trusted friends last night, who was really cool. In total 4 people know, my brother, 2 long distance friends (who I see possibly once a year), and a friend I see every 2 weeks or so. Its nice to have a few people around you that know and are cool with it.

 

I am happy for you! I have told a couple too

 

There are no rules to being gay, so you can put those concerns to rest somewhat. I told someone I know explicitly, "I don't like girls," and I found out just the other day that she's still not sure if I'm gay or not. It just may be harder finding an ideal partner since it sounds like your "type" does not have any screaming, if not stereotypical, markers.

In terms of religion, the word "homosexuality" was actually not coined until long after the Bible had been written. So any mention of it in the Bible is based off of a translation that has everything to do with what version you are reading...kind of hard to take a translation so literally. My religious identity is raised Christian, but regardless of that, my studies have led me to believe that homosexuality is accepted in the eyes of a Christian God.

Right now, yes, LGBT issues are intimately tied to the more leftist group. What I can see happening, for your sake and really for all LGBT people's sake, is that the issues will eventually become so concrete and commonplace that they simply blend into "political and social givens." Race issues in the UK have gone largely undiscussed because it's lost a lot of it's saliency. Considering how Canadians have been tackling LGBT issues, by the time you get into the heart of a political career, your gayness may be a non issue.