This is it. I've been revealed to myself and there's no turning back. I'm 21 years old. I've never been in a relationship. I never will be. If you've seen any of my various other posts on this forum then you already know what I'm talking about but if not I'll try to explain briefly. I have social problems. BAD ones. I belive I have Avoidant Peronsality disorder which, in short, means I have no self-esteem and automatically assume that anyone I don't already know for sure will like or tolerate me will hate me. I (used to) cope by having constant fantasies, often about me doing the things I can't do in real life (getting a date for instance). I say used to because I've reached the point where I can't believe these fantasies anymore and I see them for what they are. I used to think I would change in the future, but the future is now and I'm only worse. I don't even have any women that I talk to anymore. There have been five or six in the past year that I used to talk to for awhile but they lost interest in even being friends. When I try to contact them, even just by messaging with a "hey, whats up, haven't talked to you in awhile." on facebook they just ignore me. I can understand why it would be hard to like me, but that they ignore me must mean I really have a repulsive personality. I don't understand, I'm never angry (or at least wasn't) or mean and in fact I'm very (perhaps overly) sensitive to doing anything that might make them dislike me. It seems like they hate me for not being as socially capable as a person "should be." I've been trying to change for years now, but I just get worse instead of better. I'm becoming horribly cynical. All I see in people, besides a (very) few that I hang out with from time to time, is a desire to attain social status at any cost. They will fill their lives with worthless crap like television. They'll sit around and talk about a football game for hours. They'll gossip endlessly about the relationships of other people and make it glaringly apparent how much they take relationships for granted. Its just like an entertaining diversion for them. I see 80% of girls wearing the same damn thing, just trying to fit in or look impressive in the eyes of others - Ugg boots, black stretch pants and a north face jacket; orangeish brown skin from the tanning bed; an overall fake appearance. I could close my eyes in the food court, point at a random girl, and more likely than not she could be described this way. And girls seem to base their choice in guys on how much they'll impress their friends or other people in general. A few of the more independent minded ones won't base it on this entirely but it still is considered heavily nonetheless. I wasn't always this cynical, in fact its been kind of a new thing. but I've always been fucked up socially and seemed to repell women even though I'm not threatening or "mean" in the least. Girls would rather hang around an overconfident guy who uses them for sex than an embarrassment like me. I literally feel like I'll break down and vomit if I have to deal with much more of this (and obviously I will. Its not just gonna go away). I'm rambling here, I'm so out of shape that I can't even figure out how to pull this post together into a coherent idea. I'm really falling apart and everything I try to make it better backfires, or simply does nothing at all. I've been talking to a psychologist and trying to follow his suggestions (such as "try forcing yourself to talk even if you're afraid or have nothing to say"). I can't do that. I'll stand there when, say, I'm working with girl at work and tell myself "Ok, you need to say something dammit. Anything." But there are no words. My mind is completely blank. People tell me talking to girls is easy, you just ahve to ask them questions. But what if you seriously cant' even thik of questions? All I can do is answer theirs in one-word sentences then run away to the back to get a drink of soda or use the restroom, and get the hell away from the pathetic and embarrassing situation. I started taking antidpressants (citalopram) about 10 days ago. The funny thing is they started to work a little for my social anxiety - that is until they started killing me. I couldn't sleep more than four hours a night on the pills, I was incredibly irritable, and after a couple days I started having pains in my heart, derlirious hallucinations upon waking, panic attacks, nauseau, vomiting, fainting, and just a general sense that the drug was killing me so I had to stop taking it. The lost sleep weakened my immune system so I got sick, and the combination of the side effects of the meds and the subsequent sickness has put me far behind in school, to the point where it seems hopeless to even try to catch up. I"ve been looking at some of the material for classes and its like staring at blank pages, my mind just won't process any of it or engage in it. I'm so depressed it (my brain) just doesn't care anymore and its beyond my control to make it work. The pills were my last resort and obviously a failure. I'd already be dead if I wasn't terrified of death, so suicide isn't even an option (I've had a few experiences whereI thought I was dying, always accompanied by a panic attack. Its a feeling ten times worse than this depression, though it seems inconceivable at teh moment). What the hell do I do? What CAN I do? Fuck.
To me it seems like you are way to hard on yourself. It sounds as though you blame yourself for every negative thing that happens. Of course I do not know you, I am just going off what you have written in the above, plus you sound a little like how I was when I was your age, so bear with me here... First, realize that there is nothing wrong with you, nothing. People will try to make you think that there is, but really, there isn't. Have you considered maybe hanging around different people, people with the same interests as you or what-have-you? Not all women are like how you mentioned, and most people in general aren't as well. I know exactly what you feel though (again, just basing this off your post) because I thought all my peers were annoying drones, and I just completely shut myself off from them, and then started to do that with everyone because I just assumed that about everyone and kept to myself a lot. But I realized what a mistake that was because there are tons, TONS of great people out there, and they are not hard to find. Just because you feel as someone is ignoring you, it does not mean you have a repulsive personality, I mean come on, don't think that about yourself, don't assume others think that as well. Isn't this what's called being shy? I mean, this happens to me, I think it happens to everyone. You should see me, I do that at times but even worse, I will completely ignore the person because I will not know what to say at times, and then they will think I'm a snob or mean, but it's just that I don't know what to say. I really think this happens to everyone so you really shouldn't beat yourself up over this. Lol, I'm sorry, I got the funniest image in my head... If you force yourself to "change" then it will only make things worse in my opinion. I don't feel as though you have to change, I would say just sort of start exploring places, explore meeting new and different people. I mean of course there are some of the ones you described, but come on, they are funny and make this upside down, topsy-turvy world a funny and comical one. Just because you can't relate to your peers or the people around you doesn't mean there is anything horribly wrong with you, it's just what I said, you can't relate to them so you feel distant or like there is something wrong with you, when there isn't. Maybe if you stopped thinking there was something wrong with you, and start liking the person you are and embracing your qualities, maybe things would feel better. And if someone doesn't like you for who you are, then it's their loss and to move on, don't let it get to you like there must be something wrong with you, or let it eat away at you and make you doubt who you are or your worth. This probably made no sense and was probably all over the place, my posts are like that. Just know that this crazy sideways journey of life has it road blocks, but to push through them and never be afraid of who you are and to embrace it.
mystical_broom, Oh sorry "shroom"! is very correct...i guess, u should work up with ur confidence first. Try starting with small things...there r a lot of gals here, talk wid them, any gal ready to talk to my friend "goE_tehaD_returns", plz send him a P.M...i hav done half of ur work dude...BEST OF LUCK. Dont let any problem win over u, my friend.
In response to mystical_shroom. . . at least one of these girls seemed like a geniunely good person - actually a hippy, I'm sure you guys would approve. She had a boyfriend who lives out of state (so obvioulsy nothing could happen) but was still wililng to hang out with me (actually asked me to) after I had made a huge ass of myself the first time we hung out by not saying anything and answering any of her questions with "I dunno. .. " or "kinda" or whatever. She left the area halfway through the summer so I hadn't communicated with her for awhile. When I tried to talk to her again through facebook she basically ignored me. Before that there was pretty similar girl who did pretty much the same thing. They were both geniunely good people as far as I could tell and want nothing to do with me now. Also I started taking a different antidepressant this week (generic zoloft) instead of that citalopram shit and it seems to be working out a lot better so far.
This is just a warning, I am about to go on a rant of some-sort, and this is just based of my opinion and what you have stated in your posts. So, therefore, it may or may not be accurate, you are the only one who truly knows yourself... A lot of people do not fully understand people who are really shy or "socially awkward", which is a term I don't really like using because it's the same thing as shy. Being someone who use to be extremely shy--I'm talking so shy I would actually start getting so nervous around someone that I would feel dizzy and scared (yes, I am weird) it wasn't that I didn't like people or want to know people, but I just didn't know what to say half the time, it was like I would have to have them continually start the conversation or keep it going, I wouldn't be able to strike one up out of the blue or anything. That changed as I got older and started putting myself in situations where I had to talk to people and start conversations, which helped big time. You see people don't understand shyness, their idea of "shy" is just someone who is soft spoken and takes a second to warm up to someone, when that's not the case. So people tend not to take the time to understand why, and assume that there is something wrong with you, when there isn't. And then you have people telling you to try to change. When it is not that easy, you just can't wake up the next morning and look in the mirror and say "Gee, I am going to go out and talk to whoever I cross paths with, go up to everyone and start long conversations" It isn't that easy. I would definitely not take it personal when those girls you tried talking to again ignored you, do not take it as something you did wrong, so don't take that personally. And I am not going to sit here and tell you that you need to change, because that's not going to do anything either. Don't change anything about yourself--well, that's not true, there is one thing you should probably change, and that's the constant "beating yourself up". Quit acting as though you are some monster who has something horribly wrong with him that no one likes and who people run away from, because that is not the case. We always see ourselves differently then how others see us. I know all too well that it stinks to be awkward around people and conversations, I know, but you have to get this whole "something is wrong with me, I'm pathetic" out of your head, that will really make things worse if you keep thinking this about yourself. You should really like who you are, you really should. Liking and being comfortable with who you are makes a huge difference. Sulking, only makes the situation that much worse. I'm going to give you a few ideas that I think will help you feel more comfortable opening up to people, these helped me... I live in Indy too, and I know there are discussion groups or clubs, whatever you want to call them, that get together and talk about whatever subject that you joined (like books, music, outdoors, traveling, art).. I know this sounds very corny and very lame, but it does help. Talking in a group of people that are strangers to you helps you warm up to people and actually helps make you feel comfortable talking to people, especially if it's about one of your interests. Yeah, again, it sounds pretty dumb and hokey, but it does help. Also going out to festivals and such that are being held and exploring them seemed to help me as well. Everyone is different though, so you might hate these ideas but like I said, I am just throwing out my opinions on this... All in all, just don't fill your head up with ideas that there is something really wrong with you and that you are this pathetic person, because that is so not the case. Just really start liking yourself for who you are and stop putting yourself down, just doing that will start to help and make you feel more confident in yourself and better inside.
