hey guys, i'm pretty nervous about posting this b/c i know how harsh some people can get but I'm needing someone to talk to. someone who remembers me from when i posted regularly. or someone who just knows me period. preferably a female. just so i can get some insight. but if you're a male and you have insight you think would help, please feel free. but please, no harsh immature comments or messages. I really hate posting my personal business in threads but to give you a clue of what's going on, i'll be brief. my husband just got back from iraq in december. obviously, something like that changes a person. during the 15 months he was gone, i had been preparing myself for the changes that were going to occur when he returned. but nothing can really prepare you in a situation like this. he's not the same guy at all. i can't talk with him about anything. i can't question him on anything. he won't talk to me about anything serious. if i do question him or try to talk, he either brushes me off or gets angry. we have had a couple fights where i was afraid of him. one point, i was running from him in parking lot b/c he was drunk and angry. next morning i had a few bruises from where he had grabbed and pushed me too hard b/c i had been trying to get away from him. he didn't hit me. know one sees this going on but me. around other people, he's enjoyable. i seriously have no idea what to do. i've tried talking to a couple other wives, whos husbands came home from iraq as well but they aren't going through this. he's detached from me, emotionally, mentally and sexually. he doesn't like having sex b/c of shit that happened with his past relationships. he doesn't like to cuddle or just sit next to me. he says he still loves me buuuuut, his actions tell me otherwise. I'm trying my best to be patient and understanding. But sometimes your patience and understanding can only go so far. i know he was in horrible place while in iraq. i know he saw things that he won't talk about. so, i try to keep that in mind when he gets angry but how can i be there for him when he won't acknowlege me? wow, i pretty much just laid out the whole story for you. there are other things going on but i'll spare you. i'm just looking for someone who can either listen to me vent or give me advice. sorry for the long post. i just have alot of shit on my mind. thanks for listening.....or reading rather.
damn that sucks.. that must be so hard. i dont know.. maybe try and keep a distance for a bit.. that might make him realise he need YOU and he really needs your love and compassion and hugs [kisses eventually]. distance meaning, still being there for him incase you think he wants to talk ect ect.. but not being 'clingy' or showing that your upset. i guess he might need someone strong around at a time like this. try and be strong for him. as for the getting getting drunk and angry, i know what thats like... when he gets angry try and ignore?.. its fucking hard tho.. Tell him you wont talk to him while he is being like that. then again i could be completey wrong =p goodluck hope it turns out well
that is really shitty hun, im sorry maybe i fyou two tried couples counselling? but that involves a willingness on his part to acknowledge and change his behaviour
War messes people up, man. I am sorry that you have to go through this. It does change people, more than some would ever want to know. The things you're commaned to do, some of which are immoral, the guilt you feel....especially if you are in actual combat. Now mind you, I have never been to war, but I know people who have. I'm sorry that I don't have any real advice for you, other than listen to your brain, more than your heart. Do what you know is right.
Sorry you have to go through this. I don't know you and I'm not female, but there's never a good reason for physical abuse. I hope you find a good solution.. All the best.
Well there could be alot of reasons for what has taken place in his head. I do not know the role he played over there so its tougher but here is what I would suggest. #1 In a public setting like among family ect whom you have previously spoke with confront him on how your feeling and ask that he seek help adjusting (Its offered for free for military personnel after being out) If he refuses then do what you have to do. I know alot of people who have come back from alot of places out of sorts becuase of... Having to be alert 24/7 no time to relax Seeing people act in a way that is not normal to your own beliefs fearing what should not be feared Its hard to be in a place in your mind that survival is not your first instinct, that you must place politics above survival, assess a hostile situation decide if its justified to defend yourself and act upon these thoughts all in the split second you have to do so before possibly loosing your own life. If your worng on one account your dead, if your wrong on another account your jailed, if your are right you live to do it again and have to live that same split second again. The days of yelling hault 3x then shoot are over. Politics took over and put lives futher indanger now.
Syra, he needs more help then anyone in this thread can give him. I'm not in the position to diagnoss him, but it sounds like he has PTSD. The people of this forum might be able to provide you with more help. http://www.ptsdforum.org/forum10.html He needs help, and leaving him alone won't solve anything. You need to think of the best way, to gently, explain to him that he needs help. You want this for him because you love him. All the best.
maybe talk to one of his buddies from the war - someone who was there with him. they might be able to offer some insight into what is going on. are you living on base? maybe chatting with the Chaplin can help but like Lode said, he needs more help than what anyone here can give
that's exactly what i was goin to say, lode. my cousin did two tours in iraq before going out in a blaze of glory on his motorcycle a month before he was due to go back for his third. PTSD, don't ignore it. but you'll need to be careful, after being stressed like that, people who are otherwise wonderful can just snap. don't touch too much without him initiating it, either. i remember that that is a very streessful thing until they deal with it.
I have to figure out a way to help him deal with the PTSD b/c he refuses to go to counseling. He doesn't think he has a problem. I don't dare bring it up or else all hell breaks loose. I might have to talk to one of his Sgt's to see if there is a way they can make him go get help. Last time I tried to talk to one of his Sgt's about getting him some help, they completely ignored the issue at hand. They called him into the 1st Sgt's office and told him to man up and grow some balls. That is what joey said at least...
I suggest cultivating a relationship with other military wives and girlfriends (if you haven't already) as they might be able to offer some insight that we can't.
I miss the army... The time may come when you have to give him an ultimatum. For now, have you tried talking to his family? You can't force him to accept help, but it's what he needs. I'm not sure theres much you can do to help him. Particularly since he won't talk to you. Anyway, all the best.
IMO, his COC is pretty useless for things like this. they (the army) can force him into counseling - whether that is good or bad, but they can do that...you get commanded to go.
He just got home a month ago. If he refuses to go to counseling then you are going to have to learn how to get his mind back on you and your family. Spend time at the PTSD forum and once you realize it is a common problem, it won't feel like it is impossible to solve. Try to keep him away from alcohol.
Thank you all for listening. Love N it, it's impossible to keep him away from alcohol. He feels that he has to have beer every night before going to bed. He said, that for him, it's an anti anxiety remedy. There hasn't been a night that he's been home, that he hasn't had a few beers. I'll figure it out. I just needed a little encouragement b/c everything was becoming too much to handle.
