This is my first post, and this was just written today wheni saw the girl i loved loves someone else. This wasnt meant to be am artsy piece of literature, just some thoughts poured into microsoft word, and i thought it was written pretty well when i stopped and looked back at it. I'm posting it here because i had to tell someone, and my friends arent really the kind of friends i would share this stuff with, so who better than a bunch of strangers on the internet?! any support/advice via pm's is appreciated too... just one background fact before you read it... the girl i talk about in this was my bestfriend from when i was 5 until a few years ago when we just stopped talking, now she came back into my life exactly one month ago, and here is what happened from there... [font="]Just as things started to look forward, everything fell apart…[/font] [font="]I had new classes, new friends, and started talking to a lot of old friends. I met a girl in one of my classes, Claire, and she was amazing. We were hitting it off, when another old friend came along; she’s different than I remember, twice as beautiful, more mature, and seemingly perfect for me. So I turned my attention to this beautiful old, yet new friend, forgetting about my classroom buddy. I could tell the girl in my class was wondering why I had been neglecting her, and I tried to let it out slowly… so talking to my old friend more and more, I got distracted. My grades fell way behind when I was doing great in school for once. I sat around on the computer waiting for her messages, and checked my phone every thirty seconds of every day waiting for her text’s or calls. I was in a very strange way obsessed, not in a scary or disturbing way, but I felt for the first time, in love, but unable to vocalize it to her or anyone else. Anything I heard, or read of hers I seemed to have misunderstood and over examined. I tried to relate every word she typed, to me, misleading myself into an emotional roller coaster. If she wrote about love or old friends, it was about me. If she wrote about hate or disappointment, it was about me. But outside of my mislead, delusional thought filled state of mind, I see now that she has other friends, she has moved past me and I am not number one in her life anymore, I am not the motive of her every sentence. I left a gap though… something I did not realize until it had passed. Between my obsession, and my rude awakening to reality there was something missing. While waiting for her calls and messages I pushed everything aside. Things still looked to be well and I was hopeful. I waited all day for any words she would send my way, and I wouldn’t do anything else until I was satisfied. I even put off eating if I felt that it would make me miss her message. My homework got pushed aside and I failed 3 out of 4 classes this term. I feel like such a tool, I had a chance with an amazing girl in my class but blew it off for someone who I doubt feels the same way for me. I neglected to get so much as Claire’s phone number and now that the class is over, I doubt I ever will. Even though I have been confronted with the truth, and how depressing the last few weeks of waiting have been, I continue to wait, my life is going downhill now and the only thing holding me up is the girl who put me down. She is my motivation to live, but the reason I have no life; my incentive, motive, and overall cause, but the end to my rational sanity. Though all this is disheartening I cannot bring myself back to the lucid coherence I had finally achieved while for just over a month, my grades were up, my parents were happy, and my life was on the brink of encroachment. Once again examining between the lines of my mania’s text, I came across one line of veracity that needed no examination. There was nothing here to be examined, over examined, or even blatantly ignored; “Iloveyouskylerfuckingjones!” Possibly the most ridiculous and demoralizing compound word known to man; filled with so much certainty and truth. Filled with the actuality I never wanted to comprehend, the genuine fact without rumor or theory, the insight that I must grasp, the fulfillment of my nothingness, the fiction to my fantasy; the fact that she doesn’t love me back. I have lost countless hours of sleep in exactly one month to date over a lost cause that I was dumb to believe in. I have lost 9 weeks of school studying the wrong subject. That subject’s name is Allison--the angel in my hell, but the demon that created it--and I’m still studying…[/font]
Whoa man. I can really relate, just got over the same thing that happened to me although my situation varied alittle bit. As in a girl moved here and i never knew her before and my grades did not fall. But everything else yea, not eating, staying up late just to see if she might message or call. Its the worest thing i'v ever felt. and i know the torment your going through. but i ended mine. i follow my dreams and believe in them but at some point you just have to say "Enough is enough! she doesn't love me, why am i ruining my life over her?" when the thought first came into my head i thought it rediculous but now it just makes sense. hope i've helped in some way. Sorry for any and all spelling/grammar mistakes.
Thanks for the reply, nice to know im not crazy for doing something like this, or atleast im not the only one doing it... I am talking to her a lot, and she leaves out anything about that skyler jones kid, and i guess shes mad at him so i couldnt be happier, lol. I spent a night in below zero weather by a camp fire drinking a lot of beer and jager with some guys i have known for a while, lol, and it kind of cleared my head... my only concern is now that i dont get to see her much
yea funny thing about that. i would go walking every night. and i live in canada near the ocean as well so it was cold. ended up walking 4-6 miles every night in the dark and once in a snowstorm. just seemed to help. gave me alone time that i cant find sitting anywhere that has people or electronics. Friends are a god send (if you believe in him, i personally dont but i will use that sentance anyways) even if they cant relate or understand atleast they're there to help you through tough times and help you out, if you have good friends that is. About not seeing her. not too sure about that one. when i went through my situation i needed to see this girl everyday, half the reason i'd go walking. But now, i remember even though its not her fault in anyway but all the torment i went through when i felt these feelings for her. Now i try not to think of her, i don't want to go through anything like that again.
wow, so I fnally got a full night of sleep last night, but I am still thinking about this girl. It is at the point though were i could just say forget her, and not really look back, but I would have my regrets...
