what a does a "good wife" mean?

My grandmother worked her ass off in 2 jobs LITERALLY 7 days a week plus did everything around the house (my grandpa didn’t lift a finger) she lived a miserable life of servitude and only “got a life” AFTER he died.

My mom was loyal but my dad wasn’t and she ended up a broke single mom that never saw a penny in child support-also miserable.

My godmother was a closet lesbian & never married-she had a great life! (she was miserable due to the closet lesbian thing-she never did come out before she died-sad considering everyone suspected anyway and couldn’t care less besides typical stupid shit. It was that she didn’t want to be gay—that was the source of her misery) BUT her day-to-day life was brilliant! She travelled, was cultured, had lots of friends, great career etc.
When I asked her why she never married she used to say “so I can end up stuck washing some asshole’s laundry every week? Fuck that-I’d rather listen to music.” I heard that message my WHOLE life & its burned into me—confirmed by all the tired and shabby looking women I knew that busted their ass both at work & at home while their husbands sat on the couch or were hanging out with their friends.

I swore I’d never end up like those women. I didn’t want to end up like Sylvia Plath-a brilliant writer who ended up at home raising kids & doing laundry while her hubby was free to pursue all his time and energy in his writing career. She fell behind when the kids showed up & he didn’t help. It was all on her and her writing suffered while he was out getting famous and getting laid (and not by her!)—she then suffered and ended up committing suicide. He only gave her career energy AFTER his cheating and neglect, after she was driven to that end.

Now as a married woman I find the balance difficult. I look in the mirror and see that tired and shabby woman I feared becoming…and I’m fucking resentful…then I hate myself for not “wanting” to be suzy cook & clean. I have big plans in this world, a big purpose….and my life goal was never “perfect dress shirt ironer” how do I drive the super-feminist bitch out of me? Its getting in the way of me being a good human-a good wife …what is a good wife anyway? Anyone know what that means?
What makes a good wife? I was told today that I’m not a good woman and definitely not a good wife. I’d like to know what good wife means because now I’m all confused and very very sad.

 

:hug:

I dont really know what being a good wife means, I've never been married or had a really long lasting relationship, but isnt being a good wife loving the person you are with, being there, caring for them, supporting, but still being your own person?
I dont think being a good wife means being someone slave, being married is about helping each other, not just one person doing everything.

 

normally i'd agree with you, but in my hubby's case he's injured--tendonitis in both arms & feet--bad enough that he couldn't go to work for a while so i literally had to do EVERYTHING...it was rough rough rough & i really resented it. I had the "i'm no slave" syndrom & it was evil! SELFISH! i hate myself for it--but then again i don't want to end up like my grandma....if we had the money i'd just hire someone to do that stuff so i could concentrate on my business, my art--i haven't painted in 2 years!!! i feel like i have no juice. sucked dry. but i'm called lazy--i don't want to be lazy or selfish.....its a terrible feeling. its a terrible feeling to think i'm failing someone i love even though i'm working none stop-its like its never enough....but i guess that's life,,,,we're always questing for more, better.....

thanks for the hug though-much needed

 

Im sorry Mara, I know that was the situation. I guess it does make things different, I would say try to find a balance between the things you want and the things you feel you need to be.
But Im sure there will be a lot of married women who might give you way better advice than what I possibly can.

 

from what ive seen, a good marrige is about striking a balance that makes both parties equally happy. it sounds like the women you knew didnt have that balancea nd that they werent respected by their partner

 

I don't know. I think a good wife would be someone who loves her partner and supports them, respects them but is not afraid to disagree with them. A good wife needs a life and mind of her own. She needs her own work and her own thoughts. How can she help anyone if she doesn't.

I get asked all the time why Jer and I don't get married. I don't really have an answer other than if it ain't broke don't fix it. However, his mother told me that the reason he doesn't marry me is because I won't do his laundry (which isn't entirely true, but in general we each do our own laundry like adults). I found the whole thing funny because he has asked me to marry him on several occasions and I'm the one who doesn't want to get married. He got very angry at his mother for saying that too.

I get it from other people too, they think that he is the one who won't marry me because "what woman doesn't want to get married". They think that there must be something wrong with me that he won't marry me. We just laugh at them because we're more in love than they could possibly understand.

Don't worry about what other people think a good wife is. Just be the best wife you know how to be. I feel really sorry for people who's only goal in life is to be a good wife. Perhaps I shouldn't but I do.

 

I don't believe in the traditional "good wife" idea. I think loving and supporting your spouse, along with doing things together (which means cooking, cleaning, working, etc...) not having ONE person work and ONE person be a stay at home mom/dad and clean all the time. Granted, when I have kids, I don't plan on sending them to daycare when they are young, so I'm going to get a job nights while my husband works days.

A really good wife-in modern times-is someone who can offer the love and support the household needs....and the same goes for the modern-day husband

 

yeah, being a good wife isn't much different than being a good husband. what do you expect of a good husband? now transfer that to you. if you're being a good wife, and they're not being a good husband, move on. of course, there will always be times when one spouse leans harder on the other, and then you trade. i find it really funny, though, that no matter how heavy a load my grandmother had on her, the fact that my grandfather adored her and was obviously appreciative made it worth her while. it's amazing what a little love and emotional support can do...and maybe the occaisional handful of flowers from the grocery store. where we women love, that's where we put our energy.

 

A happy wife is a good wife.

 

I agree with you KC, but on the other hand, you have to beware of the men who have the superiority issue...the ones that "have to be the breadwinner!" It's how they are raised. Even women-some are raised to always be independent...like myself. Some are raised knowing that they are inferior, based on how their mother was around their father...etc.

It's still going to take a few generations, especially in America, for women and men to realize-relationshipwise, that they are equal and should each provide the same amount of money, love, and support in a home.

 

i don't necessarily with that. because i really believe there's someone for everyone. some people are leaders, some are followers. in our family, dave is definitely the leader. however, that doesn't mean that he doesn't listen to my opinions and needs. but yes, he's got the final word in everything. that works for us. both of us came from broken homes with overbearing mothers. neither of us were entirely interested in continuing that. we have such fun together, we get each other.

it will work differently for other people, it depends on the people. but what it always comes down to is compromise, trust, friendship and patience, really.

 

I've never been married and I wouldn't really know myself. My mother was 'tortured' most of her marriage to my father by her mother-in-law; she also gave up her career to raise me. My grandma from my mother's side didn't care much about anything and her husband left her and re-married. My grandma from my father's side got married at the age of 20 to an officer in the army and she was never a good wife in any way, she ordered him to do everything in the house and he died well before she did. Not many encouraging examples around me... But as I see it, a good wife means not leaving yourself to be stepped over while also doing something around the house and not abandoning yourself and your own life. Which seems difficult to be done to me. Most of the time I see marriage as a trap that once you enter, you can't get out and it equals something like the actual end of your desires and everything nice... I just hope I'm wrong... Sorry, I can't be very encouraging to the person who started this thread but I've seen many good replies along the way... just sharing my own thoughts... so that you'd know you are not alone worrying about this...

 

I think most married people go through periods of resentment. Usually it is for short periods of time and we just keep our mouths closed and hope it gets better. As a mom I know I have had days wondering why I am the one waiting at home for the family to return. I have dreams, goals, and aspirations too dammit!

I do empathize with you. I am 36 and trying to finish my Masters degree that I have had to delay countless times because it doesn't fit into my families schedules. Most days I do okay, but others I just want to run screaming from my house. Like you I feel bad when I resent my life or feel like I am failing my family. What makes it worse is when someone says "It could be worse" because some days no, it can't be (in my mind).

Just try and find little pleasures where you can, and hopefully things will improve. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

 

I agree that a good wife is a happy wife, and that depending on who you are and who your partner is that happiness can be found within the balance of the relationship. Wheter that balance is I stay home with the kids and you do all the housework or whatever it may be.

My question is how do you find the balance? And this is a very indivdual question because I am sure it is diffrent for every relationship. I am not married, but I have been in a serious relationship with the intention of marriage for the past two and a half years. We have just decided to move in together and now some things I felt we had balance about are turning into petty fights and silly arguments...

How do you find balance in your realtionships?

 

i steal moments.....walking to & from work guarantees me an hour of day of silence...i take long baths....drink great teas, do some chores quickly so i have time to chill out. my new tips are these: getting up early before everyone else guarantees you some peace & quiet. or before i'd wait to do chores until after my hubby left for work so i could spend every moment with him...now i give him a good hour of uninterupted attention before he leaves but i try to get all my chores done while he's home...that way as soon as he walks out the door i can sit back, smoke a joint and just relax. also, going to bed early with a good book has been good for my sanity also.

the big thing that hurt me after i moved in with my hubby was my diet. i ate pretty much gluten free vegan before which he wasn't into. i began to eat like him and i got fat--that became a problem for us and so i insisted i eat how i used to. in just a few short weeks i lost 10 pounds so far--now i see him starting to eat better to.

some yoga time, meditating time or visualizing to music time -even if its for just 5 minutes.

the other day i happened to have the day off while he was at work. i spent the evening high on lsd doing a lot of inner spiritual work. it was a precious experience.

these are the kind of things that help me feel "balanced", small pockets of time doing things that make me happy.

 

A good wife is sex every nite an a hot dinner on the table when i get home. with no bitchen.

 

lol. i prefer to hand him a cold beer when he walks in the door, too.

it tends to make him happy.

 

Aren't you supposed to be naked and carrying a pizza too?

 

yeah true. Not being afraid to be yourself, i think that supports the male also in staying himself.

well if the goal is being a good wife by being 100% yourself, than it's a good thing right

 

Sorry to intrude, just thought I’d throw in a man’s 2 cents worth.

I find it hard to separate husband and wife and talk about one without the other.
Here goes:
A good husband should love his wife and earn her respect.
A good wife should respect her husband and earn his love.

Another thing, it seems that being a house wife has taken on a bad connotation. You’ll hear women say, I’m just a housewife as if apologizing. Well, I’ll tell you a little secret, they have one of the most important careers available, the pillar of civilization, and it’s a job that men for the most part aren’t very good at. That’s not to say that women can’t work at and be very good in other jobs but we should not denigrate women who choose being a housewife as a career. We should admire them!