Questions about love and sex

comeing from his side of the fence i can tell you he may not want to see her for awhile.like i told you last night i was just about ready to see my kid till she started with the court shit.it took me 2 months to get to that point.i had my life almost figured out as far as what ime doing and where im going.she started the court shit and it all got set back further than it was when i started.i cant tell you what to do but it may be best to just leave him alone for a little while to let things cool down and blow over.and when you guys can finally talk it may be better to deal with child support and visitation without going through the courts.haveing a court decided what he should pay may cause him to hate the child and you.wich is what im dealing with now.custody will have to go through the courts.but if the 2 of you can come up with an agreement yourselves and both of you stick to it it will be better for all 3 of you,i think.

just remember what i said to you about that.my ex was doing the same thing and it made things alot harder than it shouldve been.i totally understand where your comeing from on that but its just gonna make things harder for you all since you will be seeing him to bring him stuff,youll see him crying or whatever he does when he is upset about something like this.helping him is gonna make him think he still has a chance of getting back together.so if there is no chance of that happening drop all contact unless its about the child.i know it sounds mean but it has to be done.it will be easier for you and jade that way.he can threaten suicide and all that all he wants but he aint gonna do it.i did the same thing and im still here almost a year later.

hopefully ill have my nextel back on in a week or so.if you want ill give you the number and you can call when you need to talk about something or get your mind off of it.im not the smartest person but i can give you some insight from his side of the fence if needed.

 

oh and like people have already told you,go out and do stuff!!!keep yourself busy somehow,any way you can so you dont have time to think about him.

i sat in my house all summer long doing nothing other than trying to fix things with the ex wich apparantly wasnt working and caused myself to lose almost everything i own.i had no electricity,no food,no insurance on my trucks so i couldnt drive.if she wouldve moved out and left me alone i probably wouldnt have fallen so far.

 

Is the love actually gone or could it possibly have gotten bogged down by the tension caused by having a baby and living in close quarters, etc? Only you can know if you love him for sure or not, and I would typically say that "staying together for the kids" doesn't work, but if you do feel that he loves you, that is an awful thing to lose, even during rough periods where you feel isolated. Why did you pick him in the first place? I know your daughter is a big reason why the relationship hasn't ended thus far, but before having Jade, what qualities about him made you happy?

If you know it's not going to work for you, I would say you need to let him know this. But if you're having second thoughts about leaving, take a step back and evaluate what's going on in your head and try to gain some insight on what's going on in his. I hope everything works out for you, keep us updated on how this plays out!

<3

 

Update:

So he called me today all depressed and lonely and bored and stuff. He told me that he loves me and wants me back, and "what can I do," and all this shit. So I basically was just reminding him that he threw me out, and that we hated eachother. There is no way we can be together as a couple anymore. It just won't work out, and I listed the reasons, and explained to him how if he can we need to be friends. If not for his sake alone, definitely for Jade's sake. But either way we'll have to have some type of relationship. Whether it's just phone calls about seeing jade, or to hang out with eachother.

So I basically left him where I found him 2 1/2 years ago. Alone, drunk, and with nothing. He's got a shitty 25 inch tv hooked up to an antenna in the living room now that I moved my big screen out, and a computer. That's about it. I Although he did keep our king size bob opedic, which is just like the temperpedic bed.

So anyway, I told him I'd come over this afternoon and bring him some meat that I took from the freezer, and a couple other things, and he could see Jade. So I went, and he tried hugging me, but I didn't really hug back, and that basically confirmed that I'm not in love with him (for me anyway.) And then I took him to have my diamond cleaned so he can sell it, and to the store to get a few things, and then we went to get me a slide for my bong since I broke it 2 nights ago. Then I dropped him back home, and he said bye, and it was depressing and sad, but my feelings now are that I want to be friends with him. I want to keep some sort of a friendly relationship between us. One where I can sort of take care of him from a distance because he's never getting married to anyone. He'll be a lonely bachelor for the rest of his life, and I know that he'll never quit drinking. He'll probably die early because of it.

I'm glad that I went to see him today cause I know now that I'm really sure that I'm doing the right thing. It may hurt a little now, but it will be better in the long run. We would never have gotten anywhere. Living in an apartment with no extra money, him drinking too much, and be smoking too much pot. Not the best environment to bring up a sweet little girl.

So I do feel sad and depressed, but mostly about him, and not about me.

That's where I am now guys. Sorry for rambling. I just had to get it out.

 

good job keeping it "professional". its great to have closure, especially to yourself

 

that is NEVER going to work..

you will be sending to many mixed messages if you feel its your job to look after him....on top of that, its his job to take care of himself. alcoholic or not. as a recovering alcoholic i can tell you that, if that is one of the reasons for you making a decision to "take care of him from a distance".. you are GUILTY of enabling a habit that its obvious you despise..

think about it,, so all hes gotta do is keep being a worthless drunk and the worse he is the more you will come around to "take care of him"..

wheres the incentive for him to take control of his life?

 

being friends and haveing some sort of family feeling for the child will work and will have to work.they atleast need to get along with each other for the child.

this i will agree with.my ex was doing the same thing.she would come over,feed me,clean my mess,give me money for cigarettes and fuel for my truck.it just made me sit there and expect her to do it wich i know was wrong.she payed my electric bill and insurance bill.she was always calling me to make sure i was ok.but only thing all of that did was make me not want to take care of myself cuz i knew if she called and i started whining and crying she would come over and bring me food or something.then she finally decided it was over and i was left with absolutely nothing.it took me a week or 2 to get over the initial shock and crying episodes.after that i was off on my own doing what i can to take care of myself.


i know its gonna be hard as hell for jade to do that.im sure to her it feels like the right thing to do.but she will wake up one day and say to herself "what the fuck am i doing?" and she will realise that its not the right thing to do.but for now she will do it no matter what anybody says cuz it feels right to her but that is acceptable.if there was no child involved im sure things would be alot different and easier for her.


i wish my ex wouldve left me alone when she packed up and left.my life would be so different right now.but instead i wasted the years from april to september trying to fix things with her and keeping my hopes up that it would work out but it didnt.due to her playing with my head,and playing the court games i now hate her.i havent seen my kid since august.i can not have her near me.if i see her im gonna end up doing some not so nice things that the child should not see.although i know its not good for my kid not to see me but its what i feel is the right thing to do.i have to see her incourt tomorrow.im not sure whats gonna happen.2 friends are going with me.1 that is going through what im going through and knows how the court system works,and the other friend is a very good friend of mine that is going to keep me calm and keep me from loseing my head in the middle of court.im also gonna have to get up early and do a wake an bake and get high as fuck so when i go im calm and sorta sober.


all i can offer is insight from my breakup and we can all offer our advise.but jade will do what feels right to her.and thats fine.i wont hold it against her or think differently of her for it.she needs friends right now.i know she dont know me that well and i dont know her that well either but i will be a friend and do what i can to help her if she needs it and i hope everybody else will do the same.

 

oh i dont think he meant the whole thing was wrong , just the part he ended up writing about is all...

and i also have to agree on that,, a good clean break from anything him other than what is needed for the youngone is what needs to be done. HHb i am sure would agree with me on this one since i did the very same to him not too long back. My being around the place was only enabling him in so many different ways that in the end i just had to go,,, far enough where he wasnt going to come to see me and far enough that i wouldnt go see him and just make sure he was ok.. He had to deal with it on his own and make some changes first then we could begin dealing with us and whether there was a future with us... Having someone around to coddle n coo n make sure he ate n did this or that was not what he nor i needed at that point even though the heart sometimes said differently... It isnt easy, i know... but as has been previously stated ...until he deals with his own issues then keep whatever relationship you have with him at this point only being that which involves the baby and nothing else.. you will all be much better off in the situation...

 

i wasnt disagreeing with his whole post.just the very beginning where it said "
that is NEVER going to work.." .he didnt say what part of this statement he was talking about "I want to keep some sort of a friendly relationship between us. One where I can sort of take care of him from a distance because he's never getting married to anyone.".the friendly part will work and has to work.or atleast enough so that the child doesnt know her parents hate each other for however long it takes for the 2 of them to get over it and start thier own lives over.the second part wont work but she has to realise that on her own.right now i dont think the negativity about it is gonna help.i could be wrong but i think that is omething people need to learn on thier own.as i said all we can do is offer our advise and friendship.what she or anybody else does with the advise is completely up to them.all we can do is hope that it helps in one way or another.

 

Well I do appreciate all of you advice. I left it up to him.. He has the chance to get himself better now. He already told me that he's going to quit drinking and drugging. I don't see why me being nice to him once in awhile will stop that from happening, but I do understand why keeping my distance would be healthier for us.

See I've done this a lot in the past. I break up with someone, but I don't want to be apart from them. I feel like I need to still know them, and be friends with them. Sometimes that feeling wears off and I just stop thinking of them all together, and never talk to them again. But in this case I have no choice. That's why I think it's better for us to remain friends. Especially since he's 20 years older than me, and he knows it will never work out. He hates me for being a nagging bitch, and I hate him for being an old bastard that will never change. So I think with humour, and Jade, we'll be able to come through in the end as friends, or at least as civil parent's.

And I think the best thing I could have done was going over there yesterday cause it really just confirmed everything for me, and I don't feel like crying anymore. I feel like I'm on the right track. Afterall he is a grown man, and he needs to grow the fuck up sometime. Better now than never.

 

you being nice may or may not help only the he knows the answer to that.its in his hands now.just dont give him false hopes of getting back together even if you have a feeling that you may.if he thinks it will happen nothing will change.he will change long enough for you to come back and get comfortable again and go right back to his old ways.trust me on this one.i did the exact same thing.

yes you need to sustain some type of friendly relationship for jades sake.if all your gonna do is fight do it when jade isnt around.both of you have to make sure she is in a friendly calm environment.i seen what happens when the child knows thier parents hate each other.the exs parents hated each other to the point that you couldnt mention the other while with one of them.her one wish the whole time we were together was that she could sit down with the 2 of them at a nice restaraunt and have dinner with them both atleast once before they or she died.well her mom died and she will never get that wish.there was nothing i could do to help make that dream come true for her and it sucked.

as long as it feels right to you.thats all that matters.maybe he will realise that its time he straighten out his life and maybe he wont but you need to let him decide on his own.maybe if he straightens out you might be able to get back together but dont let him think that.

 

Once he actually does make the choice to stop his drinking n drugging is one thing in the meantime his thoughts , ideas and actions are clouded by all the garbage ... That is the reason i suggested for steering completely clear for a while, allow him the time to take steps in his own recovery process. In the meantime his thoughts actions and behavior will be going through major changes The seperation allows him that time he needs to begin and for your brain to process everything as well. I do not mean hate the man or drop completely out of his life,,, there is a child involved here and it is best to atleast have a civil relationship in the end for her sake but at the same time,,, if he continues on his same course of behaviours and patterns are you going to put jade into that sorta situation when he does want to visit her or he wants her for a weekend...etc.... i doubt it since these were some of the very reasons you left to begin with...This backing away gives him the chance n time to start a new period of his life as well as yours ... it isnt by any means saying it is a forever steppin back,,, is just a cool off get the head together period for all involved...

 

Yea a cool off period is a good idea. I don't think we should be seeing or talking to eachother as much right now. It's so hard since this is the person I've went to and talked to when I needed him you know? It's hard not calling and asking him a question about something, or wondering what he's having for dinner. But you're right. I should just stop talking to him for a little bit, and let him have some time to sort things out in his head.

And as for visits with Jade, and weekends and stuff... I'm afraid of that to be honest. I'm sure he wouldn't do anything to jeapordize his relationship with her, but an alcoholic can't help that sometimes. I'm also afraid for when he get's his lisence back feb. 23. I don't want her in the car with him period, but especially knowing that there is a chance he might drive drunk.

I think that my family and I underestimate him sometimes though. I think he knows what he needs to do, and will do it on his own. I just have to sit back and let that happen.

And get my mind off of him in the mean time!!!! Thank god I've got some weed left.

 

i understand but now remember you have friends here that you can ask the same questions.ill give you my number when its back on and you can call at 3AM to ask what im doing if you wanted to.let him get his shit straight if hes gonna do it at all.

make damn sure that he knows this!!!!!it will be his incentive to clean up.what he does with it is up to him.all you can do is hope he does the right thing

yup just sit back and let him do it on his own.but also make sure you are doing what YOU need to do!and dont forget that if you need a friend you have plenty here to talk with when needed

 

^ Thanks

 

For some reason when i glanced at this thread i thought it said questions about anal sex.

 

hahaha no fuck anal sex

 

lol

I thought it interesting that he took the effort to contribute that.

His quitting to win you back seems based of false pretenses. Kudos to him that he wants to remain in Jade's life. If he can find a way of grappling with his demons he could prove to be an asset to her. Anger issues aren't something that one can "cure" and then walk away from.. it's a lifetime of behavior modification and reprogramming and walking calmly away from provocation. It isn't at all easy. You have every right to feel uneasy and it might be worthwhile to sit down with someone to think about how you'll give him access to his daughter without sending unwanted signals as to your intentions... perhaps involve a trusted third party?

 

o god please quit this thread before it gets out of hand..if guys come in this thread and start talking about anal sex..wow itll be on going for ever. Your a sexy girl..Im sure men would die to make you happy. I just hope you made the best decison. since it does involve a child.

 

Even if hes who you have gone to for the past 2 and a half years, he wasent there before that. And im assuming things were alright.

You didnt need him then, and you dont need him now.