Depressed - i'm Mr Walking in Limbo

hey well where do i start?

I'm 34, have a good job and i was reading another thread about summit and it said " I'm gay and feeling that I'm missing some thing"

It was one of them posts that you read and think " oh, shit" thats me.......
i really do feel that i have summit missing and thats a boyfriend, or girlfriend,

I've had it really tuff the past few months with my brother, he was found dead and I'm really looking for some love, it's so tuff......
i'm so confused, some of you may know me on here from a few posts that i done in 2006 about a guy that i fell in love with but he was young, i got some great advice and that helped me a lot thanks to you all on here.

Gawd, this sounds like a morbid thread, but this web site is the only web site that i can talk about the TRUE me on.

I've been flirting with a guy via text and that was before my bro died and then we didn't seem to speak for a while... he said that he didn't know what to say to me and that's why he didn't text me....i dunno.
he keeps calling me at like 3 am and that, and of course I'm either asleep or with a few mates on sat's and Sunday nights.....so i didn't answer but i would text him and tell him that i was there and that if i could talk i would.


Any way, i don't get answered by my text's any more from him so i guess he's moved on, i don't know......I'm just gutted that i didn't give him the chance, like go and meet him like i said i would or pick him up and go to the beech, i never done any of these things and thats what's confusing me...

I'm not really sure what I'm after and as i think more and more about it then I'm starting to get more and more depressed........

the thread went onto say that " gay people some times feel that they will have no one to look after them when the get old" and now I'm scared.

I've had some great relationships with woman and i have had none with men, apart from the above, that was the closet i came to having a relationship....and now i don't have that either.

i guess what I'm trying to say is that i was scared of having sex, yet i was really looking forward to it.....why do i feel like that? i mean, i flirted with this guy and we got quite close.......why could i not do any more than that...i think about sex with guys a lot and then when it comes to it i haven't got the bottle....

it's like walking the earth in limbo for me at the moment, well actually it's been like that for a few years now, and as times pass by I'm feeling more and more sick of my life.

my oldest brother thats still alive is a " PROPER BLOKE" and he's been trying to set me up with a few woman that " he" thought that I'd be interested in......well i wasn't and he can't handle that....him and his g/friend have been giving me such a hard time over the past few years that i try and stay away from them as i know that I'm going to get grief of them as why i " didn't shag her"

i have a few gay friends that have come out and my other friends are disgusted so I'm now trapped in a world where what i want i am so embarrassed to tell people, I'm not sure if i can even have sex with a guy....

it's like that thread " I'm gay until i cum" it was amazing as i feel really like that some times...when i cum on cam with a guy i used to feel pretty sick that i did, but as times passed i have a really good few friends on msn that i speak to regulary......but yet I'm not sure that i can....

why oh why do i have to be like this?

it's not fair and it's starting to get me down.....

i do appreciate you taking the time to read this as i know that you will have an open mind and i'm speaking with the same mentallity......

just finding life a bit tuff at the moment......i know some one will post " hang in there it will happen" but i'm too scared of meeting some guy and then being totally put off coz he's a guy, yet i lust after being held by a man, having a conversation with a man, doing stuff with a man......cuddling up on the sofa with a guy...why? why? why?

I'm so confused........i think what is bothering me Oswell is the fact " how long will this go on for" thats a major concern at the moment as well.....
shucks......i've taken enough of your time.....what a long thread.....it just feels so great to be able to explain how I'm feeling and to be able to discuss it....that in it's self makes me feel good..

hope you can make sense of the thread....maybe should have not typed the whole life story out and that but hey i did.....

Thanks hip-forums.....


me...

 

hey danny i'm not much older than you and have been without a relationship for a long time too. i went through some personal shite this fall and decided to take a trip rather than stick around and suffer. i have a friend on the west coast that has helped me to find my own way and it has made all the difference. maybe that's all you need too. you seemed to be undecided about which way to turn and sitting on a fence when you want to be moving forward is a miserable place to be. i've been there and done that. i hope that you figure out what it is you want and if you feel like chatting, feel free to pm me. peace brother.

 

hey, thanks, i did go away for Xmas and that was to a really good friends, some one that I've known for 16 years, just had to get away for Xmas, lost both parents when i was 18.... and then since then all I've had is my 2 brothers.....now i have one and 16 years on i don't have any thing......well i do actually, got a great job, house, car, electicals...but I'm still so stuck on that fence.....like I'm glued to it....

 

Down load link at the bottom of the page, once you've clicked the link....

http://www.sendspace.com/file/uaw68o

One Two Three Four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless, long nights
That was what my youth was for

OLD teenage hopes are ALIVE at your door
Left you with nothing
But they want some more

Oh, oh, oh
You're changing your heart
Oh, oh, oh
You know who you are

Sweetheart, bitter heart
Now I can't tell you apart
Cozy and cold
Put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes
Who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up
To one little lie

Oh, oh, oh
You're changing your heart
Oh, oh, oh
You know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then

Oh, oh, oh
You're changing your heart
Oh, oh, oh
You know who you are
Oh, oh, oh
You're changing your heart
Oh, oh, oh
You know who you are

hope you enjoi the song of my year.....

 

maybe with all the loss in your life and the pain that comes with it, there's a part of you that doesn't want to be hurt anymore so you're avoiding relationships. maybe that's what's keeping you "on the fence." i'd most likely be right there with you on that one.

 

hey thanks for the reply......i guess your right, and now I've lost the only person that was interested....i just tried texting the guy and guess what.....nothing back.....i'm OK though.....not....i really can't see a way out you know...

 

like my grandmother said, "there's plenty of fish in the sea." just keep looking.