I'm still in love

Do you daydream? I do so habitually, and while I probably do it too much, to the point where I have serious issues living in the present, I have to admit it has carried me through every hardship I've had. I'm of the opinion that if the present sucks, you should give yourself permission to mentally escape it temporarily, until you gain enough distance.

What helps me when I'm going through hell (and believe me, I've been there--for romantic reasons and other causes), is to remind myself that this is just another "ball growing" session. (excuse the vurnacular). Everybody must go through some kind of hell in their lives--if you don't, you end up being a pansy-ass simpleton incapable of holding a conversation deeper than a puddle. You know how you always hear about native tribes putting teenagers through some kind of "initiation ceremony" into adulthood, and that ceremony/period usually involved somekind of endurance test? Well, whether your culture creates one artificially or not, we ALL have to go through something to gain a foothold on what it truly means to be mature. (Not saying you're immature, age doesn't always determine that).

I've been tempted to move into the woods and be a crazy hermit lady, trust me. But that wouldn't be living, that would be hiding. Life sucks sometimes--instead of fighting it, or trying to excuse it, EBRACE it. Pain is often the best teacher, but you must be able to step back and look at the situation with an objective state of mind once in awhile, or else you risk losing sight of the end of the tunnel. This is why people become suicidal. But there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel, remember that. When you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up.

 

You sound heart broken. I would get on here and say something to the effect of get over it, it happens, but I feel the same.
I really opened myself to someone recently, trusted them 100%. And she crushed me, my entire existence, she just stomped on it.
Call me too emotional, call me a bitch, I really dont care. Maybe I do care too much. But I thought I had something real in a relationship with someone for once.
The worst part is I cant help but think it will happen to me again and again, over and over. I wonder what is wrong with me as a person, or what I could have done differently. I have said before, im afraid of alot of things. Death does not scare me. Everyone dies. But EVER putting my self out there again does. I know this isnt a good way to live but it is what has to be done. Protect yourself.
The saying about to love and lose is better than not loving at all is bullshit. It was great when I was with her. It was perfect, I was happy. But the downfall was 10x worse.

 

did he only "spill his guts" when he was drunk? why do you feel ugly and worthless?

 

Yeah. He was very very shy and could only say what he really really felt when he was drunk. I was really depressed and it was when we were like a week from saying I love you to each other, so i felt like i loved him and didnt love me

 

i've reread some of your posts and i've picked up that Andrew was significantly older than you. is this right?
do you know why you were/are depressed and are you getting any help with that? i'm guessing that you're still feeling the same and getting that feeling to lift, even just a little, will help you immensely.
i'm sorry to hear that he didn't love you back the way you'd like but other people in this thread have put it in a similar way that these things happen. it's really a rare thing that two people fall in love. of course you got hit twice with the loss of your friend austin. that's tough on anyone. it know that you're feeling the loss strongly right now but in time you'll heal. just give yourself time.

 

I didn't know or like myself until I turned 18.. sometimes it takes time. I'm sorry about losing him. I lost someone too, and it took more than a year to get over her. But I learned a lot about myself in the process, because I didn't let myself date anyone that I didn't think could be as amazing to me. Try to find yourself, I guess is my advice...

 

A couple months ago the chick i was dating dumped me, and i did the whole "was anything ever genuine?" thing. I was ill for 2 weeks and just couldnt see a reason for doing anything whatsoever. Then one night while trying to sleep i realized that I didnt love myself, and from there, a whole new perspective was granted to me. I don't believe that people can truly love others if they don't love themselves. I still love that girl deeply and i think about her everyday, but when the 'what's wrong with me' starts up, not only can i say nothing, but i can give myself an answer if i really need it. That revelation snapped me out of my self-pity pretty quickly. Nowadays i really do love who i am, and i've been seeing things differently because of that. I can see the muddled mess of mike's life with a whole new level of clarity. Like everyone else has said, you're young, and there will be more to life. It sure as hell doesnt seem like it to me either, but looking back on what my life was in september and then at what it is today, i've learned that anything can happen. Even if you don't believe it, there is someone out there to love you. There's something out there for you to love to do. Don't give up after trying so much stuff. That would just be a waste.

 

Both of these are very valid in your case, flannel chick. I feel like I should introduce myself, Hi, I'm somebody who has been in a very similar case as you. When I was 14 I was involved with a 22yr old Navy man. He was my inspiration, my happiness, my adrenaline and my soul. I could talk to him about everything, I told him things that I had never even told my childhood friends whom I'd grown up with since 5yrs old to present.
We couldn't be together because he lived in military housing, like anyone would stand-by and watch an underaged girl be with someone over 8 years older than her, yeah right!
So I stood by and talked to him, only at night as not to be interfered by his roomates. We expressed the feelings of love with eachother, with him planning to wait for me to turn 18 and me waiting to be his pure(virgin) love. {shut up peanut gallery} I was all for it! He told me 'his secrets' I told him mine. We 'were in love'.
I WAS BLINDED, and I never hit reality on him until the inevitable happened. He married some girl. Exactly, some girl.
From what he had told me she was a high school friend that he always just blew off and ignored because she was supposedly annoying.

Remember if it really is love, he'll be drawn to you as much as you are to him...


What I'm really trying to show you, is never let your guard down. Especially at such a young age. There really is more out there and a lot of time to explore it, so don't be in a rush, because all you'll do is rush into a broken heart. Love yourself, and put yourself first before anyone else, but don't be selfish, there's a difference.
I didn't believe that at that time either, but since then I have had relations(actual dating relations, not phone-based relations) with at least 5 other people. Key word, people: I've hooked up with a chick... You gotta find your swing, so don't stay on one too long. I am now technically engaged to my boyfriend after a little over a year of dating.

P.S. Anything that is purely substance based is not a relationship... aka him drinking to tell you 'his secrets'


Please take this is to consideration, even if it's in a month or two...


Happy fishing... ;-P