My husband and I were "never going to have kids". We were also "never going to get married". Ha. In any case, we've finally learned our lesson about never saying never. He recently got promoted at work, so for the first time we're going to have health insurance at the end of January. (yay!!!!). Going through his benefits package, figuring out our health plan, etc. has been an interesting and enlightening experience, and it's forced us to really sit down and talk about the future, 5-10 years down the line and farther, in a way we don't normally. Now, we know we aren't ready yet for kids, especially financially. We're living pretty much hand-to-mouth, but getting by better now than we have in the past. If we keep down this road I think we'll be much better, with a little bit more of a cushion, in a couple of years. While we never plan on "trying" for kids, at some point we want to be able to relax on the birth control (barrier method - condoms) and let nature take it's course. Our happiness in life is not dependant on becoming parents, and because of some health issues on my part I don't want to get my hopes up thinking that conception and gestation would be a walk in the park for me. Blah - I'm getting off track. In any case, we've been thinking and talking on guidelines by which we'll know when we can take that step. How will we know when we're ready to open ourselves to parenthood? Mentally, emotionally, etc. I think we do very well. Obviously, as I said, we need to become more settled and established financially. And I want to continue working on both our physical health as well. My beloved is a little concerned with his age, because he's ten years older than me (34) and he worries that if we wait too long he'll be too old and decrepit to be a good active father of a young'un. Any advice or guidelines to follow, from all you wonderful mamas and papas?
I don't know if you can ever be completely 'ready,' it just kinda happens. It's hard to explain, lol. But at the same time, you'll probably feel your 'want' to have kids turn more into a 'need.' As for the financial part, while it is a really good idea to wait until you feel a little more comfortable, you will never find yourself financially ready...unless, say, you're a millionare or something lol What I'm kinda getting at, is that you will always find something else that needs to be paid off, or something else you would like to do before you have your kids. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't base your readiness on finances, either. As long as you're living well enough that you're not srcimping (is that a word???) by, I wouldn't worry anymore. When the kiddies come along, things have a way of working themselves out convenitenly, lol. Heck, when we got pregnant with Lea Lea, neither Cody or I could hold a job for more than a few months at a time, we had a shitty little Chevette that stalled at every red light, and no savings. Somehow, we managed to get ourselves a very nice 3 bedroom place, we're both in school, we have a new car (it's still old, but we can at least get up to 100 km/hr without the steering wheel shaking so bad it doesn't feel like it's going to fall off). I'm getting off topic, but yeah, I'm sure you get my point, lol!
lol, yeah, good point. If you're looking for them, there are always reasons NOT to. I happened to be visiting my parents, and in the room with them, a couple of years ago when my older sister called to tell them she'd just found out she was preggers. She told my dad how scared it made her, because she didn't know if she was ready and she and dh had planned on waiting at least a year. He was great about it - told her that life doesn't always wait for you to be ready, and this is one of those things that you can't be really ready for ahead of time. It's just that... once you're a parent, that is your number one job for the rest of your life. No matter what else you are, you're a parent first. For the sake of that responsibility, for the sake of the human being(s) that will/would become dependent on us, we want to know we'll be okay before we open ourselves more to that world. Between our backgrounds and childhood experiences, we are both determined to do a really good job. My folks are and were wonderful, always interested, always there. They've helped bail us out of bad situations and been understanding. They helped support all of us (I have 3 siblings) in college, etc. My love, on the other hand... his parents lied and shuffled him around all his life. They didn't give him some of the medical/dental attention he would have needed as a teen. They were divorced and continually passed him off on one another, on grandparents, and when all else failed, various institutions. This experience is why for so long he was certain he'd be a bad father - as if bad parenting has to run in families. But in his case, I think these experiences add up to him being better than many because he'll be determined not to repeat mistakes. I'm ranting. Thanks, Kirstyn, for the reply.
I think the fact that he realizes what went wrong with his childhood and can identify the things he doesn't want to be like, he's already way further ahead than he thinks he is, kinda like you said. Granted, some things come through...I did the typical, "I'm not acting like my mom when I have kids," and although my parenting style is WAY different, I still occasionally find myself doing some things she used to. You're so right about it being a job for the rest of your life, tho. I have only been a mom for a little over 2 years, but I can understand the life time job involved now. Funny enough, it sounds scarrier before you're a parent than when you actually become one.
Oh yeah. The money issue will still be an issue after you decide to get pregnant. And when you have a toddler. And when you're schooling. And when they are teens. And then when they are adults. It's nice to have savings. Really nice. But even without it, you'd make it somehow. Like Kirsten said, you'll never be "ready". Even those that plan for children freak out when they realise they've become an apartment. The most important thing in being ready, from my personal experience, is knowing how together you and Ian are. You need to be more worried about how exactly your family dynamic works, parenting styles, needs for alone time, togetherness outside of the child, how you both feel about what you'll be giving up, etc. Parenting, especially AP, effects your relationship with your spouse more than your relationship with your credit union! Linnea, I know you two will be fine. And will be great parents. Just go with the flow!
I agree Exactly~ go with the flow~ believe in fate , believe everything happens for a reason and exactly when it is suppose to happen. My 1st pregnancy ended in miscarriage, possibly because of my own immature neglect and unreadiness during an unfortunate drug addiction (when I was on the road and young), total wake up call !!! I changed my life around, got pregnant again 6 months lated became a completely devoted/ attached parent to my eldest daughter, became pregnant again unexpectedly 1 1/2 years later, was NOT happy about it ( wanted at least another year) Had my second baby girl to find out 5 months after giving birth, that I had cervical cancer and had to have a hysterectomy! I can't imagine my life right now if things hadn't happened when they did! Money doesn't raise a child,( it helps some,) but there is never going to be ENOUGH of it!!, especially living in the world we live in today! Your living/spending routine will automatically adjust when the baby comes! You are obviuosly feeling that need, your body is telling you you are ready, You are incredibly mature for your age (from what little I know of you ) your marriage RADIATES love and commitment, I'd say that is as ready as you can get, Shut down those "barriers", let fate prevail and expand that love into a new family !!
With both of my kids we weren't really ready. With my son (now 6) we were sort of ready. We wanted kids at the time but really didn't know what we were getting into. With my daughter (now 2) we weren't ready for another. We were broke and I found myself making most of her newborn clothing. But somehow we did alright. I love my kids and wouldn't trade them for all the world. I wouldn't worry about when the right time is. It's never truly the right time. IMO you should just let nature take its course. The rest will come. *hugs* Jessica
Thanks again for the words ladies! It's funny, because I know that in a core sense we ARE as ready as we'll ever be... I think since this realization for both of us that children are in our plans and hopes for the future is still fresh enough that it's wise to wait. But what's funny to me is that I know how unlikely it is that things will... just happen according to nature's plan. For one thing, just going with the flow is not necessarily an option for us because as I said we use condoms (and properly, so they've been effective all this time without fail) so, at the least, we eventually have to conclude we're "ready to be ready". We'll give it a bit more time yet, I expect. Let this turn of expectations and wishes and hopes settle a bit, in both our minds, before we open ourselves more fully to this new chapter in life. Thanks again for the reassurances, though. It is a happy thing to know that people see us and recognize how much love there is there! And this whole last year, with getting married and the more recent changes... has been amazing. It is wonderful when so much goes unsaid, when you see these changes in perception and hopes but you don't want to put it to words for fear that brought into the light it will disappear, to know that you and your partner are still on the same page and have the same plans. Perfect example: car shopping, not very seriously but keeping our eyes open - our current vehicle is a van with no back seats, which we travel in to shows/fests with all our stuff. While we've been looking around, Ian mentioned that whatever we get next, it should be a four-door with safe and comfy back seats. Jokingly, I say "yeah, for the baby seat, right?" "Well, pretty much, yeah...." God, what a cliche young married couple we've become!
Alot of great advice given already. I would say mentally you are both ready and as for economics well for some odd reason I am unsure of it just seems to work out. I never wanted kinds, ended up with 2 great ones. Love em to pieces. Was not ready at all in my mind but no matter what things just worked out through life. Just when I would think we were broke money came thru, or when I thought I could not take it, something allowed me to press on and so forth. When your kids drive you nuts they will do something that makes you turn to jello.
