I've suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. Even as a child I felt disconnected or just outside social norms, I think my individuality comes from the fact that I think I have an higher IQ (but I've never officially got tested) ,I was also born with a very mild yet extremely annoying handicap called cerebral palsy. plus other influences in my life. I'm 24, single, I smoke weed daily, fat and unemployed. I can't keep friends for over 3-4 years without them getting to close. It seems I'm running on fumes with every possible idea about death, life, etc. racing through my mind per day. there's not a day that I don't think about suicide or at least one way to die. What a joke that could be running my life. It's almost surreal. my family is either unhelpful, unqualified, or just not there. But now theres more, I've developed feelings for a good friend and if I tell her it just adds to her already childlike ego. basically she would be expecting it. I'm at a standstill in life. If I move forward (job, apartment) I know what my future will bring. warehouse or factory work until I get my own place where I'd be by myself most of the time alone. It seems I can only trust certain friends but thats questionable. This is just the top layer of my life. I'm thinking of making a full suicide letter for most people who have influenced me over my life. Just a final thought on most issues in my life.
So, what are you doing to improve things in your life? Ain't nobody's responsibility but yours, you know. Being unemployed is always tough because you don't have much of an identity otherwise. Hard to feel good about yourself. No money for the holidays either. Most of what appears to be wrong in your life... sounds like from you own lack of effort. Have your cry, then get off your butt and make some changes! This is ALL fixable. x
Jack, First of all, I want to let you know I empathize with you, and I wish you the best in facing this challenge. But I did notice something from your post: a lot of preconceptions about your productive life and your relationships and where they are going. You also seem to believe you have no agency...as though your life and feelings were a consumate fact handed down to you without your input. Why do you think that is? It's not so much a matter of fixing your life, as much as of taking ownership of your experience.
Im sure you ultimatley know suicide is NOT an option. If you dont know that let me enlighten you DONT go out like that. You can improve your life. It's mostly in your head even if much of it is real. What I mean is I am the same way I feel like life sucks if Im broke but when I have money it still sucks. But you have got to keep on keep on regardless and try to have some joy in somethings. Good luck buddy.
Who are we to say suicide is not an option? I'm not saying he should off him self, because frankly there are options, there are always options; however if one ultimately decides that suicide is their only option, then they should be free to exercise this option. Furthermore, I know exactly what Jack is going through. Because up till 3 months ago, I was going through the very same thing... Minus the weed and cerebral palsy of course, but I felt my life was going absolutely no where and frankly I still feel that way to a certain degree. Are there ways I can change things? Certainly. For one I could get off my ass and break the cycle by getting a post secondary education... Which would mean having to upgrade my education in certain subjects, but in the end it would be worth it. Do I suggest Jack do the same? I sure do, because you can never go wrong with education. ps. I've also been depressed from an early age... And the earliest I attempted suicide was a youthfull 8 years old.
Suicide is a "permanent solution to a temporary problem." You're only twenty-four. It could get better. One thing I noticed from your post is the steady stream of negative messages you're feeding to yourself. It's a form of self-hypnosis. You need to re-program yourself. Is it all that bad? You didn't mention having brain cancer,AIDS, crabs, or a non-functioning penis,so something must be going right in your life. You have a good mind and are articulate. Maybe if you go to the library and start reading some motivational stuff you might be able to start thinking on the bright side for a change. Or you might start noticing that there are other people in the world and concentrate on making their lives better to get your mind off your own problems. Lots of agencies are hungry for volunteers, and you might learn something useful in the process. Your suffering might be a source of empathy or insights you could share with others. I'm sure that would give you some positive feedback. Do you work out? That could get the endorphins flowing, & if you do it at a gymn, you might make some new friends. Are you into art or music at all? If not, you might try them. Whether or not you have talent, it can be a satisfying way to spend your time. There are libraries full of books I'm sure you haven't read yet. You could learn a language. There's a psychotherapist, Viktor Frankel, who spent some time as a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp and noticed that the ones who made it through found something to give meaning to their lives, whether it's a ray of sunlight, a pleasant memory, bonding with a fellow prisoner, etc. Of course it's up to you to figure something out. You could look at it as an exciting challenge. I'm a few years younger than you, but I'm awestruck by the experience of being alive: nature, other people, consciousness, etc. Heaven is all around us, and we don't see it (paraphrased from the "Gnostic" Gospel of Thomas) because we sit around all day with our heads up our asses (my editorial addition). By the way, are you on any antidepressants? Are you in any kind of psychotherapy or counseling for your depression? If you can't afford it, you could probably find a support group that could help, or form one yourself. Emotions Anonymous deals with these issues in a twelve step format. And there's always us.
I empathize too. i too am depressed, I know what it is like. But here this, "You are not alone". Being depressed is normal. and I wish you the best of luck in getting over depression.
Good advice from the Okie.Listen--what's really sad to me about suicide is that a few people will care about the departed--for a while--and then --gone and forgotten for all eternity!!It takes guts to do the things you know you need to do ,but have piled up so that it seems your problems are insurmountable.Make you own luck--seize life by the neck and JUST DO.WE'll all be gone from life way too soon.Buck up friend.
one thing I have to explain is that when dealing with a disability is that u have to come to the conclusion that you will never be as good as others, at least physically. Hang that over your head since birth, think of all the little things that you do like type or not being able to tie your shoe until your 8 and having to wear ugly ass Velcro shoes. Granted there are good things in my life, my family, some friends. It's more like a glass wall that separates me from the rest of the world. I do agree as well that suicide is an option that should be accepted. If someone really wants to die, then let them. I do try and better myself throughout the day, whether reading whats going on in the news or I workout sometimes. loneliness, isolation has become apart of me as I've grown. for me to just say fuck it and change my life doesn't work. it may be my prison but it's my home. their are some advantages of just being on the outside. I'm very realistic and grounded, however it seems that no one around me understands nor really cares because I try and put a glossy surface over my pain. the only person who calls to ask how i'm doin is my mom. everyone else couldn't give a fuck. But I don't blame them because no one likes to talk serious anymore we'd rather go day to day ignoring each others problems. Why can't we just accept the world around us, instead of putting it off. Truly I suppose therapy and meds could work but I've tried it and usually I know how therapists work. I don't like meds because it doesn't feel real like synthetic.
Hey, Jack. Good to hear from you again. If we can't heal your pain, I guess we can at least be here to listen & offer some moral support. If It's any consolation, a lot of us feel we're on your side of that glass wall. Keep posting, and hang in there!
There is no point to life. But that doesnt mean you cant have fun and try to be happy and shit. I know it's hard thought hard as fuck. Try tellin yourself "its all good".
I think you don't accept YOU in world around you. That's number one. Accept yourself. The only thing that's real in life is that you are alive. Sitting around all day or working all day. It does not matter. You are going to be here no matter what you do. People are depressed as doctors, presidents, fry cooks and street hookers. It's all how you feel about the environment around you. If your not happy smoking weed daily or not happy about interpersonal relationships in your current life then change a thing or two about it that fits into your conception of happiness. I've been in the air-force. I hated it on many levels. I got out went to Michigan State University. Depression, anxiety and discourse together lead me to drop out for a year. I then traveled to a hippy commune for a few months. Hated that. I felt disconnected and very distant to really loving people. I left. I then enrolled back in MSU for another go. I failed two classes (presently). I will take them again. Point is, if your not happy find a way. You're gonna be in the same state of mind (not happy, depressed for example) on your journey until you find a level balance of liking yourself and acceptance of your surroundings. If you don't find it at point A try point B. Remember, at the most basic level your not tied to anything. Not to the abstract. Free yourself.
The point to life is to be joyful, kind and seek forgiveness when you flamingo up. Infact it is wrong to be depressed, but acceptable in the face of genuine oppressions to your goals. Your goal is to keep surviving. Carry on waking up in the morning, do what you can. Reach out to people and support other's. Do something different every day or month or week. Try and slow down. Appreciate the smallest of things. "Stray not from the laws. Though prison will teach thou that the World isn't as bad as you saw it. For thou will appreciate the smallest things. And will revel in sunlight whence thou is set free. " *
