Im just gonna go ahead and write what i have to say as if this was my journal... diffrnece is someone will be reading it and giving me feedback.. well here it is Iv been having recuring thoughts , perhaps fanticies that grab hold of my mind. I could be at work , helping a elderly man to his seat. Or maybe just laying in bed trying to sleep . It happend today , while chating with some mormon fellows whom my parents had invited over. Ill be sitting there looking as if im paying attention but im really thinking about killing people. Or if there is a attrative girl about i might think about ways i could rape her. Taking her by surprise , hearing her screams ,Where i would take her what i would do , and if id let her go as Prison isnt a cool place iv been told. I dont feel bad about having these thoughts tho, but im sure they arnt the kind one should have. As iv been getting older they thoughts have started to increase and become more complex . I love the sound of silenced gun. Iv been known to make comments like "Wouldnt it be funny if someone was hiding in the blimp and just started sniping the players, bullets right through the helmet" Id say with a laugh and a smile ...My pal just looked at me strangly , trying not to choke on the words " No it wouldnt be funny ...He would be dead" I said " I know" with appearnt excitment on my face. My friend didnt think much of it .... i thought of it as a Fruedian slip. I find myself watching porn with increasing amounts of violence. When the girls suffer i become excited .Things like choking someone while sleeping with them is erotic. Iv had to catch myself from time to time, as ill be in a convo and then suddenly see myself lunging at the person in a attempt to rape or kill them for the rush of it . Its embarrising when people ask what im thinking , i certaintly cant tell them. Iv said i dont have a issue with these thoughts and fantacys but i think i do . A part of me looks at the futrure and wonders if ill ever act on these impulses...and if i did , would i be smart enought not to get caught.. and if i was able to avoid detection would i be lost ... would i continue? I honestly feel as if there is 2 parts to who i am . There is a person that everyone sees everyday . Quite, Attractive , Intelligent , Kind stoner people have come to love. People seem to like me im popular, Why and how that came to be i dont kno. Then there is the other side that lurks in the shadows, who falls alseep thinking about murder. Who get excited and masturbats to violent porn, and fantacises about rapeing woman i meet on the streets. It confuses me , as these two deciscriptions are very diffrent. Yet rest in the same mind. A friends mother gives me the weird eye latly cuz she has seen me tourturing her daughters kitten.I admitt im fairly mean to the cat... i punch it , kick it and throw it to the ground , sometimes even strangling it abit... but i allways let it live....its not my cat to kill . I suppose there is a emotional disconnect goin on. I have friends that i dont really care for. Mostly i use them for what i want . Showtime on tv, Weed , Booze and for the last few months iv been really struggling to not use this girl i know for sex.... shes obsessed with me ...it would be easy. I guess iv got a shallow realm of emotions and i go through the day not feeling too much . I could go on about this for days.. ill shut up now and you tell me what u think Not thinking this way could be a good idea, but im afraid what might happen if i talk about this
dude what you do and what u think are 2 different things, 2 sides to the hole. i guess what you think shouldnt really matter to anyone bur you, unless ur in a conversation or something. thinking about murder and rape isnt a crime. hell i think about killing ppl everyday, id never do it. and i guess theres people that find rape attractive - i think its horrible but w/e
Intresting updates. Yesturday after i got out of Phyc class i was waiting at the bus stop as a young asain girl came and waiting a short distance of from me. She was fairly attractive and cought my eye as it was cold out and was wearing a very short skirt with little stockings like leg warmer type stuff. I watched her for a bit while i waited for the bus stop. I thought about how easy it would be , and started visuallising myself over powering her , things id do or things id say. Well eventually the bus came and she got on . I smiled to see she had gone on the same bus i was entending to hop on . She sat int he middle of the bus, i continued to the back.. but not to far away.. as i liked to keep my view of her legs. Then i pulled the lever to get off. It seemd this was also her stop as well , i walked slowly letting her pass me by . I then walked behind her keeping my distance watching her walk , her ass giggle ever so slightly and her legs..they where nice. So here i am Walking behind this girl rehursing in my mind how to best take from her sexually . I was listingint to music at the time and i remiimber putting the song on repeat as i walked quitly. I also remimber repeating a coment my friend had told me that a crazy ladie had told her " Rape is the best gift a man can give to a woman " I love that, i think its so damn funny. Anyway the Police toke my attention as their seemed to be alot of them in my Neighboor hood that day . I scowled at them ... I hate police, allways mucking up a stoners day. Anywho a ladie cam up to me and told me to be carefull, said the cops her looking for black people. I nodded and continued walking behind the asain. In my mind i called her things like whore and slut... and dirty bitch. Soon i had passed my turn and was nolonger walking toward my house and was now concously following the girl. I just wanted to know where she lived i thought to myself , there isnt any harm in that....I must not of been keeping up enough cuz after we passed the police she turned a cornor and i lost her ... Then i just went home , i was a bit upset i didnt get to see what house she went into . When i got home i thought to myself about how i just tryed following a girl home. I sorta brushed it off as a laugh and went on the inter web to wank it. I have never done that before. Also today i was alone in my house and i thought all the doors and windows where locked . A buddy of mine had just left and while im sitting playing video games all the sudden a cat is behind me . I was very confussed how this cat got in , At 1st i didnt know what to do with the animal. It seemed to be scared of me , i thought this was funny as i hadnt even done anything to the thing. I tryed to capture he cat but it was speedyer then i expected. I walked upstairs an loooked at the clock. I had 3 hours before anyone was home. I thought if i killed the cat , how would i get ride of it. I thought id strangle it then walked it to the park and let it be found there. I new it was my next door neighboors but that didnt stop me . I put on some gloves and went back down stairs. I had the cat in my hands and was chocking it .. I could tell i cut off its air supply when it stoped moving and its eyes widdened. Then all the sudden it started to jolt around widly to get free. My heart was pounding so much , i had never felt such a surge . It spoked me and i let the cat go and was breathing deeply as if i had just ran the 40yard dash .. I was so excited . After i collected myself , i went after the cat again .. it was Hissing at me know.. and would run to the cornor and wine at me as if it was begging.. Omg it was fucking great. I cought the cat and put it into a trash can and poured water on it ( In Oregon its Freezing Cold outside ) I held it in the water to drown it but then i lost my grip and the cat got out of the Trash and jumped into the window brushing about the blinds. I sorta paniked becuz the people who live next to me know i dont have any animals . And i didnt want them seeing what i was doing, I figurd the cat had been soaked and probly came into my house wanting toget out of the cold .. So ie The cat was now Soaking in water and it was Freezing outside.. The cat would surley die in the Freezzing cold... So i ran upstairs opened the front door and scared the cat out .. I laughed as it ran right to its owners door and it was locked lol ... I then cleaned up my house so that it looked as if i hadned been chasing a cat around the house trying to kill it ... While this was happing i was arguring with myself in my head , Part of me saying this wasnt cool ... maybe i should just let it outside ( when this happend id try to guesture the cat to me as if a non threat ) but then again id be telluing myself to just do it , that comeone iv been thinking it , this is what iv wanted that i must take it .. No one is around.. Kill it ... Kill it ... I must admitt iv never felt so alive as when i had my hand around its throat, i cant see myself letting go next time
u are such a fukd up queer i hope you , theresw no one else like you , your all alone, go kill urself bitch.
Its all true, but i dont know about getting help. I dont want to look bad, i got parents and stuff ... My friend has a brother in the Millitary, and all he does is kill people he seems to enjoy it well enough... If these thoughts and actions prosist i could allways just join the Army. AND THEY GIVE U GUNS!!!! Oh i can invision the pistal in my hand !! I remimber the cat whinning the whole time .. It was so afraid of me , i thought it was kind of funny.. like it would run around trying to get away then id grab hold of it and it would trimble in fear.. iv never seen anything trimble like that . While i was tourtoring the cat i wonderd why it hardly ever defended itself.. it must of been able to read minds cuz thats when it started to Hiss and claw . So i got gloves... Whitch are now my Fav pair of gloves . But the whole time it whined and cryed and i wasnt able to chase it down ... i just wish i had a gun to shoot it in the head...But we dont have any hand guns... and knives require to much cleaning I havnt seen the cat , i find that haliaourus....
you chocked a helpless kitty with gloves on and tried following an asian girl home with fantasies of strangling her. Wow theres no hope for you, i think you should possibly kill yourself in order to make sure you dont rape anyone/kill And you think everything your doing is "Funny"?
I dont really feel as if iv narced on myself. I find this to be a safe venue to share my of my more, concealed thoughts and desires. No one here knows me , who my family or friends. Its annonmus. Its that privacy that allows me to ask what others think about my own thoughts.
I read your post and a smile broke out across my face. It isnt that i find my thoughts funny . There isnt a great abundence of humor in my fantasies or day dreams. Funny to me just ininst the right term it just dosnt convay what i feel . Unfortionate for you , Self Preservation denys me the ablity to take my own life . Not that i have any plains to , I like living and i dont wish to die any time soon. Now that cat still lives , thought it dosnt show its face around me often anymore. Really wouldnt matter if it did. I wouldnt bother with it again.
lol yea i never could spell . Im a sick person? or i actually have some sickness. I dont feel ill . I dont really feel discusted with myself, or ashamed.... well imma go jack off before work..... those folks at the retirement home dont like it when ur late for ur shift...
