I don't really have anyone to talk about this with, so I guess that's why I'm bringing it up here. I'm 21, my boyfriend is 35, and we just moved in together. He has two little girls from his ex wife, and I've been playing "mommy" for the past few months-- coming over when the kids get out of school, picking them up at the bus stop, helping them with their homework, cooking dinner, picking up the apartment, etc. I love it, I love them, and I love taking care of them, seeing them happy, because they haven't had much femenine attention (their mom doesn't have much to do with them)-- the youngest, Kelly, even asked if she could call me Mommy, and Chris and I had to tell her no. Chis is a great guy, and I love him so much. I've never felt this strongly for anyone before, and I know that we can work out. Without a doubt, I know we could be happy together for a long, long time. If it just weren't for one stupid thing on my part. He doesn't want to ever have any more kids, and he's talking about getting a Vasectomy sometime in the near future. For the past few weeks I've been pregnant, but I started herbally inducing a misscariage two days ago that happened today. I did that, not because I didn't want to keep it, but out of respect for him. The thing is, I want to be a mom-- I want to have a kid who can call me "mommy", who I can take care of, like I take care of his kids. I've been crying all morning over this little lost life, and I feel so guilty. See, I've been taking care of other people's kids my whole life, and I want to be able to have at least one of my own. Is this selfish of me? How can I get over this want inside of me? I want me and Chris to work out, but as long as I'm feeling this, I'm always going to be a tad resentful about my shot at motherhood going out the window... and I don't mean it to sound like I love his kids any less-- I love them like they were my own, and if I were to have a kid, I wouldn't treat them any different. But there isn't a shot of that happening, and now I'm just feeling soooo selfish and I don't know what to do... any thoughts are more than welcome... thanks for reading...
guess you're just gonna have to decide if you want to stay based on what you know now. he's already made it clear what you can expect. regardless, you should be protecting yourself against pregnancy. hopefully you're using preventative birth control of some kind? i'm sure you realize that it's irresponsible to risk bringing children into the world unless you're prepared to make a lifetime commitment, and the father has already made it clear that HE does not want to make that commitment. i would say that it's good he's being honest with you. he's running the risk that you will leave by doing so. so many men out there say they want to be parents when they really don't, and many just leave it to chance. that shows ethics and intelligence on his part. however, i understand your desire to be a mother too. i'd say take a good hard look at how motherhood will really change your life, and make sure you know what you really want. the cost of raising a child born in 2005 to the age of 17 is estimated by the US Govn't to be $16,000 a year for the basics. that adds up to at least $272,000. so for starters, you would need to think about where that is going to come from. i'll put a calculator link below so you can figure out how much this kid will cost you with your income, lifestyle, etc. i know it sounds cold, but you need to make sure you're prepared to provide for a child before you have one...alone in case it ever comes to that. good luck with your decision. http://www.babycenter.com/cost-of-raising-child-calculator
I think maternal instincts are natural, so you're not being selfish. Selfish would be more like wanting kids so you could get money from the government. My fiance's ex-wife constantly talked about them having kids so she would get welfare and other gov't benefits. That kind of talk disgusted my fiance, which is one of the many reasons he divorced her. There is a huge difference between wanting to have children of your own so you can love and nurture them and wanting $$$. This is a discussion you need to have w/ your SO. You're still rather young and perhaps he might want to have a child once the other two are older. You would still be able to have children. If the girls are in school, they must be over 6 years old, so maybe in 10 yrs when they are in high school might be a better time for a baby. You would be 31, so you could still have children. I have a cousin who just had her first baby at 33 yrs. Find out why he doesn't want children and express your desire for them. Perhaps you might reach a compromise. Good luck! Peace and love
honestly... i think youre being too damn giving. you want a child, yet you herbally induced a miscarraige for him? thats fucking insane. next time he brings up vasectomies you should tell him taht you want to have a kid with him at some point, and that youre willing to use birth control until your both ready (pill, condoms ,whatever)
I agree for the most part with the above posts... selfish? To want to be a mother? Listen, we have ONE CHANCE to live this life, and you can bet your ass that if I were a woman, it would take the most unbelievably exceptional case for me to even consider the thought of giving up a chance at motherhood. I have always been incredibly jealous of women for their ability to have children, and it is not something I would ever trade. You have to consider the age difference here. It's great that you are happy together, but you are 21. You are just getting started, just figuring out who you are. He is 35, and he is ready to settle down and to chill out. The age difference cannot be overemphasized, and I think this issue reveals one of the many potential problems that can occur when such an age difference exists. I say, enjoy this relationship while you have it. Why not? But don't worry about having kids right now. If you're 30 and still in love with him, then you can worry about it. Not to be pessimistic, but the chances of you being 30 and still with this guy are pretty slim. Enjoy what you have now. You can always have kids later.
Ah sweetie, you're never selfish to want to be a parent. Being a parent is the most selfless job in the world! You need to discuss this with him, and if he still insists that he is NEVER going to want to be a father again, then you know what you have to do if you really want to be happy. I've always taken care of other people's kids, too, and now I want one of my own, as well. So, one of the main things I look for in a relationship is someone who wants a child and is not still in that partying stage of his life, because I don't want that, either. The thing is, people change. He could change his mind as his children get older. But if you feel like you're ready and he isn't, there are choices to make.
