Confessions of a bipolar sufferer

I wanted to post my story in the hopes that it will help people better understand what bipolar is, and maybe inspire someone else with bipolar to keep going.

Alot of people really treat you like you are less than human if you are bipolar, I've been asked if I was going to freak out publicly, and I've been told flat out that someone hated me and didn't want me around on sheer basis of my diagnosis. It can be hard to get past some of the things that people who suffer from bipolar do when they lose control, but they do lose control.

I went to college last year and moved onto the arts floor in one of the dorms at my school. At this point I had no diagnosis, I'd struggled with anxiety issues and some depression on and off through my life but I never imagined it could be anything like this. It was about 3 weeks into school (about a year ago now) that I experienced my first manic episode. When you have a manic episode (unless they are extremely severe to the point they are debilitating) its almost undescribable how good you feel. It's like being on cocaine except better. Nothing can upset you, you feel invincible, and you do anything that feels good. At this point I had been in a relationship for 8 months and I was extremely happy in that relationship. During my first manic episode in a night of debauchery I cheated on my girlfriend with a girl I barely knew, to this date I don't understand how or why I did it. A few weeks later I started to come off of the manic side and sank into depression. I was abysmally depressed and felt so much guilt that I spent all my time in a cloud of smoke and stopped attending classes. I was far too ashamed to tell my girlfriend what happened and it slowly started to drive us apart. I basically smoked away the semester until November when I discovered cocaine which I experimented with a bit until christmas break. When I came back for second semester I kept it together for about a week before I started smoking everything away again. But it wasn't until about March that things got really bad.

It was the start of spring break and the rift between my girlfriand and I had grown deep and wide. She finally told me it was over. I completely went off the deep end, I buried myself in a pile of cocaine which in turn triggered another manic episode where I slept with another girl despite telling my then ex-girlfriend that I would refrain from doing so in the mean time so as not to hurt her. She immediately found out about it and the other girl I had slept with, but of course I was manic so what did I care? I spent the next month doing cocaine almost constantly. I lost 15 pounds in 5 weeks and really just screwed myself up in general, when I finally stopped doing coke I sank into the darkest depression I've ever felt in my life. It was only then I sought psychiatric help and was diagnosed and put on medications to help me get control of myself. Since then I've made ammends with my ex who has somehow managed to look past what I did. I realize alot of this may sound like me trying to excuse my actions and blame my disease, but I think almost anyone who has ever suffered from bipolar disorder will tell you that they have very little controls during the ups and downs, although I haven't really forgiven myself.

The moral of this really is that Bipolar people aren't trying to hurt people when things like that happen, its things like this that are the reason the divorce rate for marriages with one or more people suffering from BD is 90% Its a mental illness and a rather serious one, so please don't hate people because of it.

 

it nice to see you all putting these post up cause it will help people understand.....it took alot of courage to come here and share your illness with us... see us human most of the time if we can't understand something then we are afraid of it...Bipolar people do more damage to theirself than anything......good point they not trying to hurt anyone with meds the manic episode can be controled...

 

Good story. I hope it does help other people. I can relate to you. Are you on any medications?

Peace and love

 

I've been on Welbutrin for about 5 months with Trileptal for about 3 and I haven't had any serious mood swings since. It's just about keeping up with the pills and reducing stress in your life

 

Watch out for antidepressants and bipolar disorder. They tend to work short term but can cause mood swings in the long run. Maybe you might want to seek a second opinion. I was on lexapro, abilify, and seroquel and my new doctor told me that it is not usually safe to put a bipolar person on antidepressants and that I should only be on one antipsychotic. So watch your moods. If you start having mood swings, let your doctor know and if they do not do anything, see someone else.

Peace and love

 

Yeah they took me off lexapro in a hurry I tend to lean on the depressive side so my doctor left me on them for the time being. My main problem is I'm allergic to everything I was on Lamictal but I ended up in the emergency room from a rash. Then I was on Geodon but all I could do was stumble around dizzy and tired and I got hives from it too.

 

Have you tried Seroquel? I heard that it works well from a doctor's standpoint and I can attest to its success rate.

Peace and love

 

I think that was my doctor's next bet if I was allergic to Trileptal. But for the time being I'm doing very well with it. It's not very invasive, I'm a little bit more mellow on it in general but I don't mind that. Just means I'm less anxious about things and more relaxed which is nice for a change.

 

that's really bizarre and just proves to met hat everyone's brain chemistry is so different that what works for one may not work for another.
i've been diagnosed as manic depressive myself, though i tend not to go into a full manic state but get hypomanic and then very disphoric.

for me however, the way they ended up coming to the conclusion i WAS bipolar was because I'd been put on Wellbutrin and THEN had a massive true Manic attack. i was awake for 52+ hours, laughing and crying at the same time, would be so upset i thought i might kill myself one minute and seconds later be laughing hysterically while tears were streaming down my face.

however, by contrast, i was put on Lexapro and it worked wonders for me at the time. long story about why i got taken off of it (relating to lack of money, no insurance, stupid medicaid, etc) but it was never because it didn't work for me. in fact, i wish i were able to get put back on it, as maybe i'd feel better than i do at the moment.

but well, i just wanted to state this, as i see lots of people recommend meds or tell people not to take certain meds because of their own experiences. and i agree that a lot can be learned from others experiences but there could be 2 people with similar diagnosis from their docs who take the same pill and 1 could react totally negatively while the other reacts in the extreme positive.

 

thanks for the info phoenix_indigo you made a very good point everyone brain is different what meds might work for one might not for another...

 

I just wanna say thanks for posting that. It was nice to read.

I want to humbly add- you are young- a lot of those things that you described- they happen to people when you are younger. Don't let your diagnosis rule your life. Be yourself and think about things before you do them... don't ever apologize for who you are and don't let yourself settle into a pattern.

 

Hi,I'm Joe
I've been struggling with bipolar for many years,I find whatever i take and however much theraphy helps and all of it does I've still spent lots of time trying to find and use my own coping skills to deal with this.Bipolar basically robbed my life.I was diagnosed at 19 and I'm way older now and still things are quite a mess.I'm doing my best to get on track and I have help but I'm still struggling.In some ways I'm doing great and someways I'm totally crazy .It was great reading your post I've expierienced some of the same things,and all the responses were cool too.I'm on meds also,some of the meds mentioned I've taken or I'm on now.I've felt the sting of being misunderstood and treated unfairly because I have bipolar,and still do.Unfortunately people can get hurt and do by our actions that we don't have alot of control of,still I think we have to learn to gain more control so we don't get hurt and others don't.I diffenetely agree with the idea Everyones chemistry is different,what may work for me might not work for you.I have never been to this section of the forums site but I feel right at home.Thanks for sharing!
Hang in there,.. J*

 

Hey man. No offense, but you're not bipolar... you're just a druggy. Saying "boo hoo, I'm bipolar" is just a coverup, man. I mean, we all have problems, but if you can't see this one... that just sucks. I feel for you though, dude - so don't think I'm bashing you. I'm just saying... maybe stay off the drugs and you won't have many episodes anymore.

 

Well do what you have to do,.you've sought help,on meds,don't know if you're in theraphy but if not it's a really good idea.I don't agree that it's ALL the drugs(It can appear that way)but Scrappy man you won't get anywhere with this if you don't stay clean.I know all to well.You can pm me if you want to talk.

Joe,

 

I'm proud to say I've been clean since may not including a bit of pot here and there. I'm in weekly therapy which has helped a fair amount and I plan to keep doing so for as long as I can afford it (My insurance is pretty useless).

It might sound like I'm just another druggie, but I've had issues with or without the drugs so I'll agree with a doctor's diagnosis and stick to my treatments as its helped me immensely.

 

Congratulations!.sounds like your doing well!,.Cool.It can suck sometimes and other times it's awesome!and staying cleans not always a picnic either lol..Insurance is a big drag I know,it was'nt always that way.Anyways,Hang in there Dude,

J

 

saying someone is just a druggie is blind judgement.

that's like saying every hippie in existance=druggie.

which is not always true.

i do agree with you in some sense...and that is that i don't trust antidepressants or antipsychotics and i also don't trust doctor diagnoses...for example...how many young kids are diagnosed with ADD/ADHD?

a shit ton.
does it mean they necessarily have it or are just showing symptoms for it.

for the original poster:

if i were you i would have been diagnosed but rejected the medication....you can find alternative ways to cope with such a debilitating problem that don't necessarily need drugs...eventually you will become dependant on the drug(becoming the pharms. bitch) and if you decide to go off the drug you will then have problems that are amplified 100-fold...addictive drugs always drag you down if you do them regularly.

i wish you well and hope you soon come to a day that you won't have to be medicated(if you choose not to be)

try meditation that stuff works wonders if you go about it your own special way.

 

i'm glad to see others that have bi polar or manic depression (which ever term you choose) posting here. maybe we can help each other out and educate others at the same time.


here are a few facts about bpd/md:
we have a tendecy (not on purpose) to become addicted to things...whether it be sex, drugs, or rock n roll. a great number of us have no idea that we have an addiction.

we have our highs and our lows. the chemical inbalances in our brain do this. imagine yourself on a rollercoaster ride. only mentally. when they say up one minute down the next, its true. you can have weeks of nothing but euphoric happiness, feeling like you can do anything and everything followed by thoughts of suicide, feeling worthless, unable to concentrate, lack of interest in hobbies, friends, family, very angry or violent, etc. that can last months. the list can go on and on. everyone's timeline on the rollercoaster is different. again, most of us have no idea we do this.

it can also be disableing. simple daily rutines become the biggest challenge and scariest that you have ever had to do. it can also make you physically ill and have pain. weight can also be an issue.

discovery.com has some interesting stuff to say on this. i to am a fellow sufferer. i was diagnosed several years ago and finally found the right meds. i am no longer on them simply because i have no insurance anymore and cannot afford them. i new something was wrong with my when i was a little kid. so instead of mum taking me to a doctor she belittled me (mental abuse). she would tell me that people would come up to her and ask her what was wrong with me (she would never tell me who). she used to tell people (or so she said) that i was retarded or tired. so as you can see people do get hurt and judged. i can tell right now that the depression is getting worse as i get older. i have had less than 24 hours in a 3 month period where i was happy. as i am writing this i have cried six times and i cannot tell you why. kleenex stock should be way up. i have seen a therapest but can no longer afford that. no one else i know has this so i have no one to talk to. i discuss it with my wife but she has no answers and i do not hold this against her. i am to the point where i can identify when i am on a downhill slide although i do not know when i have anger outbursts until they are over. luckily they have never been toward my wife. as far as drugs, i started smoking weed about 6 years ago. i have always wanted to trip on others but know that with my condition it is highly, highly not recommended. plus i have bad luck. weed is ok for my depression but i have noticed that when i run out (do to lack of money) my mental cycle is very unstable. so when i do smoke i regulate it. its recommended that we people that suffer with this not to smoke weed. i have lost concentration about 4 times now so i guess i will end for now. i can remember when i could write page after page. no more. to everyone who is suffering ----- i hope you can find and help yourself.

peace and love