Lately him and I have gotten into HUGE fights. We both are on independent studies. He has friends, and hobbies. He's also 18 now. I don't have friends, and hardly a hobby. I'm 15... I feel like I'm ALWAYS asking him to WANT to come down and see me... I dunno.. He doesn't like me calling all the time. And he's always hanging out with his friends now... And knooow he's not seeing someone else. I know for a FACT. I dunno how to explain it I'm just so upset about it. We've been together for 9.5 months and he has been my first EVERYTHING. Crush, kiss, date, holding hands, love, sex.... Everything. Should I just calm down? Like, am I being just like psycho over his love, devotion, and attention? Help?
I'm really sorry to hear that, it's always a tough situation when one partner feels like the other partner is distant. I am a huge proponent of communication. Could you guys perhaps go out for coffee or something and talk about what you're feeling frankly? That would be my advice, talk it over. It is possibly that you're being needy, and guys can find that freaky. But the key is to find out what he is feeling about all this, communicate to him what you jsut said, that you do need him, and you want to spend time with him and stuff. Best of luck.
He might not be the right one for you. I suppose odds are that he isn't at your age. Sorry I don't have any advice to add, just that thought.
I've been there and feel for you. Your relationship is caught in an imbalanced cycle. The more you want him, the more you fixate on him, the more neediness you project. He, in turn, can feel both comforted to do whatever he wants because he knows you will be waiting, and distant because he doesn't want to be pinned down by you. The only thing you can do to get out of the cycle is to not make the first move every time. Let him come to you. I know, SO much easier said than done. BUT, you can choose to stay in the cycle, or you can break it. Know that it is your choice. Find hobbies, friends, anything that is not related to him. You will feal so empowered (and comfortable) when you get to a point where you aren't missing him all the time. That point WILL come. Either because your relationship becomes more balanced, or when you break up because he is hurting you too much (or you are being too needy with him). Namaste, T
I am not going to make a judgment based on your ages at all, but at the same time, I went through a similar thing that you're going through. I had an older boyfriend who lived far away. He was my first everything, too, and I fixated on him to the point of becoming really needy. Of course he never would tell me I was being needy, he always had the right words to say to make me feel better, but he would constantly stand me up when he said he was going to come visit, etc. or forget to call when he said he would, and instead of just finding something else to do or someone else to hang out with, I'd call him up and then appear even more needy. I think us women have the "true love" thing shoved down our throats constantly from such a young age that when we have our first loves, we become very dependent on them. That's just my theory and I'm no sociologist or psychologist, but I went through it and see other young girls going through it as well. I think it's really dangerous that you don't have friends or hobbies at 15 years of age. I don't think a guy in his right mind should continue dating a young woman your age who lacks those things - it's bad for you to be in a relationship if you lack those things in your life. A relationship is detrimental to a person who lacks their own identity because it makes that person think that being in that relationship is their identity, then they are left with nothing if/when the relationship breaks up. I think you need to take a look at your life and seriously think about your future and not focus so much energy on him.
agreed. but I just want to focus on this line for a second: "I think us women have the "true love" thing shoved down our throats constantly from such a young age that when we have our first loves, we become very dependent on them." I think as much as you get it shoved down your throats, you don't tend to do anything to help against it, either it happens to so many young girls I encounter, and it's truly sad, a lot of them completely ruin their lives for these guys I don't know if you are a mother or ever plan to be, but if you are, I would really suggest you talk to any daughter(s) you may have and try to prevent this. oh and paces, I would like to help you if I could, but don't feel I have enough depth to really say much, so if you'd PM me or message me on MSN, if you are interested, maybe you could talk out some of your frustration and I could help you find your answer
Though I can't offer an answer on how to solve your dilema, I do have this to say: Don't be afraid. Please. Your still very young, and I mean that in no patronizing way. First's are a magical thing, but unfortunately, for every good first, there is the possibility of a bad first. If the worst were to happen, and note that "If". Im not saying it will, You have to stay strong. Instead of reflecting on your loss, instead of feeling all of that pain and misery, Turn to what you have gained. With every relationship comes experience. With every break up, comes wisdom. Remember those words for your own sake. I wish I had them when I was your age.... Good luck to you.
Oh believe me, I sure plan on it...I have not yet had children but if and when I have a daughter, I'm going to do all there is in my power to teach her to love herself before worrying about loving another. But society and media carry powerful messages to kids. A parent can do their best and still not completely protect their children from these things. Sometimes it takes getting hurt to learn these important lessons, so I also try to remember that although I may teach my daughter these principles, she has just as much of a chance of letting herself fall victim to becoming dependent on her first love, cause sometimes, people just have to learn the "hard way." In the end, I won't be able to control how my daughter will feel towards another person, and if I try to push the ideals on her when she's feeling this way, she'll want even more to do the opposite of what I tell her (my mom tried to help me with my experience, and I didn't want to hear anything she had to say even though in my heart I knew she was right - I was 16 and knew EVERYTHING afterall...haha). However, I will let her know that if she does get herself in a bad situation with a guy and needs help getting out of it, of course I'll help her.
Also, Paces, just to let you know, if you are a person who has a hard time making friends, may I suggest chatting up people right here on this website? There are some really nice people on here. Internet relationships should not take the place of real ones, but maybe talking some of these things out with others and finding others who share your interests will help you make the step of coming out of your shell and meeting other friends in real life...you need to have separate friends from your bf, it's essential
Try to be more independant, that will really help, believe me. The more you show him you depend on him, the more you put you're energy on him, the sadder you will be. I understand it's a relationship but try doing that. By the way, you're a really cute/pretty girl (just felt saying that). Ha So ya, take care!
Thanks for all the replys and help. I've been keeping myself busy the past few days. And letting him talk to me before I talk to him. It feels soo much better being able to go about the day with out thinking " Wonder whats hes doing, were he's at, if he's thinking about me.. etc etc" To the point of insanity. I used to be so independent and "anti love" till I met him, then my life changed. I needed a helping hand to put me back on the right path. With still, being able to be in love, but run about the day with out always needing to hear from him. Oh, I started drawing again. One of my favorite hobbies. Duck, if I ever have a problem. I know who to go to now! ;P Sea of grass, thats why I kinda came here. To talk to people that I knew came from a optimistic background. Not only that, but have been through kind of the same situation. Things already seem better, hopefully it will last like this. Hahah Formertechno34, thank you, your flattery is too sweet. Thank you all!!!!! Muah, you people are so much help <3
YAY, for better! Sounds like you've started doing what your gut already told you and what people on here affirmed. If you're like me, it will go in cycles but the more you keep perspective (doing things for JUST YOU is a big part of that) the more those cycles will continue in a positive directions. Love and light, T
Needy girls become unattractive, fast. In my experience, if you cut him loose a bit, you'll find him trying to get your attention more or trying to hang out with you more. Interesting how things work that way, it's great that you've got some other distractions now though! Hope everythings sweet for you from now on, 90 :]!
I don't know if you want more advice, but I think you should try to find some other things to put your mind on - as you said, hobbies and friends, family, school, whatever. Don't let this boyfriend become your mental happiness crutch, because if he breaks up with you, you are going to be devastated. I mean, any break-up is sad, but if you put him on this pedestal and devote your entire life to him, it could mess you up for a while if you break-up. As for fixing the current problem, I think that you should first give him a little space and try to chill out your own mind, and it sounds like you're already doing that. Do some meditation, play some video games... just chill. Then, next time you hang out, say something along the lines of that you are feeling like you are coming off as insecure and possessive, and you don't mean to, but that you feel like he has been a little distant lately, and you just want to make sure that everything is ok. He will probably say that everything is fine, and then you will be more secure, and you can move forward while remembering to chill out. It's so much easier said than done, but relationships only work when both parties are relatively chilled out. You are experiencing a lot of fear right now, and fear is a very bad thing in general, and especially in a relationship. Fear will take away all of the happiness you feel together, turn you against him and against yourself! Also, I have to say that it's not just women who have ideals of love and a perfect relationship. I think this is a very common misconception. In fact, I know of more relationships that have ended due to the guy being more possessive, unrealistic, obsessive, etc. than relationships that have ended due to the girl's love craziness. I'm telling you, a lot of guys get LOVE CRAZY given the opportunity hahaha
just let him hang out with his friends, cuz guys hate it when the g/f always gets in the way if his friends are nice guys and yiu know that he wouldnt do nything u should give him his space. i understand u wanting to spend alot of time with him because u love him and the more time with him the better. but if hes a nice guy and his friends arent sneaky assholes. then you should definitly let him have his guy time.
look at it this way, if you are the kind of person that needs that kind of constant closeness he just might not be the right guy for you. He may need someone more distant. There are people that enjoy being in all kinds of different relationships. Generally there's nothing wrong with you, it's just that your situation might not be one that completely addresses both of your needs, you know? You shouldn't feel like you need to change for him, or that he needs to change for you, it should just work with both of you being who you are. That said, you're 15 you're allowed to be kind of crazy, no worries there are lots more confusing things than this ahead!
