hello everyone, i just need a little help or advice about how i should treat my bi-sexuality considering the circumstances. i'm a 17 year old guy, good looking, sociable, friendly, talented, respected, popular - loved by friends etc. i know how this sounds but don't take it the wrong way i'm just being honest. no-one would ever chance a guess at me being a bi-sexual simply because i treat it thus far as my sexuality, not my lifestyle, and everyone i know is convinced that i am heterosexual. i'm also really happy about how great everything in my life is going. this is the snag however. i want to meet other bi-sexual guys close to my age who would consider having something of a sexual friendship with me but i do not want to "come out" to anyone, not even my family in fear of my life falling down around my ears. i would not only find it upsetting but fiercely annoying if i was rejected by my friends and female love interests, shunned by my family, and treated in some way sympathetically by some stereotypical guidance counsellors. so here are several questions of which it would be great to get some answers or advice or some sort of comment. 1. Is there any possible way of hooking up with guys similar to me without coming out? 2. How does your coming out affect your friends and family and girls you were interested in? 3. Are there any things i can do or places i can go or is there some sort of attitude i can adopt to show like minded guys that i'm interested in them? 4. If it would be advisable how should one go about "coming out" to your family and then your friends? Thanks very much for reading all of this and i hope i can get anyone's feedback and advice on some of these questions or circumstances that i have described however THIS QUESTION IS ADDRESSED TO SIMILAR BI-SEXUAL GUYS. thanks, -franz
Hey Dude, Yeah I totally understand,as i'm kinda in the same situation.Much older than you but alot of what you described is similiar,I hope it helped you to write it down here cause that somehow always helps me a little.Anyway,I just joined a GLBT group in a city kinda far from here I did'nt do this purposely its just the closest thing to me,and I can get there with a little effort.They have all sorts of support for anyone who's sexuality is not mainstream.i just could not go on living not addressing my Bi sexuality more than I have,felt like only part of a person and the pressure was building i was feeling like crap.I have'nt came out to anyone.I've been dumped on all my life cause I was different than everyone else,I'm an artist of sorts or trying to be lol.My family all know somethings quirky with me around my sexuality but I have'nt said anything to them as I don't want to be stereotyped either.Most of my friends don't know and I'd probably lose some good friends if I told them.I appear completely heterosexual to most people and alot of people would be shocked and probably disguisted if they knew.I look at sexuality different,there are no lines seperating men and women as possible partners and companions.Obviously not everyone feels the same,to me it's just natural.I would think about finding a support group in your area where you can get support and meet people like yourself.You won't meet anyone unless you're comfortable with your own sexuality and if you're handling everything on your own it's gonna be really tough espicially if you don't come out.Bisexuals are like the invisible people because we blend in so well with anyone and nobody knows who we are.It's been so hard for me to get comfortable with myself I've suffered with "My secret" for way to long it's been harsh and difficult.,I joined these forums surfed and read and now I've just joined this group.I gather it's just people like me in simialar circumstances trying to live and be happy.I've spoken with the Director,seems like thier reliable good place to be(I don't go around joining all kinda things)I'm really conservative about that stuff.I've been handling everything alone and its a total strain,I really gotta talk to some people who understand and are "safe" people to talk to where I don't have to worry much about their reactions,you know?I know i will meet bisexual guys ect ect when i am free to express myself and be more open,I won't meet anyone if I'm constantly trying to fit into a hetrosexual world.I need to broaden the horizons more.Coming out is a big serious step one that i have'nt had the courage to do,I would'nt advise it to anyone unless they have really thought about it. I think it's a big step not to be taken lightly.Of course all that is entirely you and how you want to deal with it,I know i'm a wimp lol.It would be important to think about what you're doing and not just be impulsive about it.I'm also in a relationship with this girl,I have'nt told her either and sometimes I really want to.Just don't want to get rejected from her damn that would really hurt.So for right now I've gotta tell someone else,cause I sorta feel like I'm living a lie sometimes and I don't like to feel that way.It breaks my heart to think of getting rejected for something thats as natural for me as opening my eyes when I wake up in the morning.There's a gigantic amount of homophobia out there,I am a real intelligent understanding guy I guess I can even sorta understand how those people might feel BUT not what they do with those feelings.Treating anyone in a way that sometimes GLBT people get treated in a bad negative way and general hostility and disguist is so so wrong,we are people just like anyone we bleed the same blood.Anyway I'm rambling a bit here,sorry.Just peole get scared of this they get scared of that,and sometimes hate and bash what they fear.If you wanto meet Bisexual guys around your age maybe look for a support group or there's the personals and plenty of places to meet like minded guys on the net.Are there any gay bars in your area?You could try going to?I'm convinced there are much more of us out there than we might think at any given time.I don't plan on coming out,but the attitude I'm trying to adapt to be happy whatever and meet like minded people is just being comfortable with myself.I know it's sounds too simple but it's harder than you might think,scary too at least for me.I think its tough cause I am afraid of rejection from people in general and up close but I have this thing in me that wants to be free and share the feelings and love I have so I won't let those things get in the way.It might not change overnight but gradually it will,and i'll be less afraid.Some of your questions I really have'nt got a clue cause I just have no expirience with them.I guess i wrote about where i'm at mostly in hopes something i said might strike a chord.You're not alone.There are alot of us out there with the same questions you have.Don't know if that helps but I really hope it does somehow,I know how difficult and confusing it is.I'm going through so much of the same stuff and I read over and over again in forums the same kinds of questions the same ones I have. Best of luck to you, Let us know how things work out Don't let things get you down Joey
hi joey, thanks so much for your advice and story, i agree with absolutely everything you said and it was so refreshing to hear feelings and opinions similar to mine shared and expressed by someone else. i would love to join a GLBT group however i live in Singapore, and in case you haven't heard of it (not many people have) it's a really small island apparently it's about the same size as London so that would be quite difficult. joining a group in school would also be quite tough as despite there being loads of students news spreads like wildfire and i think i'd break down if anyone found out whom i hadn't told of my own accord. it's a real tough one, as you say not addressing this side of my sexuality just seems so wrong and false but i don't have the courage to do anything about it. i know it sounds as though i'm just making up excuses now but i'm not 100% gay (or straight for that matter) so in a way (again as you put it) i feel as though a whole half of myself is just dying. it seems to me that it's just a matter of plucking up the courage to do it and hope for the best, at the very least if everything goes wrong it's no longer bottled up inside. could you describe the GBLT meetings like in more serious detail? i'm still a little curious... what are the people like? how old are they? do you just talk or do activities or something of the sort? and how old are you? it would help me sort of put things into perspective you know? thanks very much for replying, franzde
Well I have'nt went to the Glbt group yet but I'll let you know (Some groups were cancelled)I know how you feel cause it's like being stuck I would'nt want rumours going around and people acting different or even hostile to me either.I think in some way though it's important to acknowledge and be comfortable with your sexuality whatever it takes,cause it's such a large part of who we are and no matter what your orientation,we're all beautiful and we should try to be whole people.So if you feel like half of you is dying trying to find a way to remedy that is real important!If comin' out is too much to do right now take it slow,maybe tell 1 good friend,see what happens. Good Luck,.. Sorry it took so long for me to respond, Joey*
1. Honestly, If you don't want to let that part of yourself "die" then you have to come out. Except GLBT groups and the internet, theres not really any other way. And you need to ask yourself which you would rather do, live the rest of your life with that part of your self at least mostly hidden, or risk the consequences of coming out. 2. For me I haven't had a bad reaction. But I live and go to college in america and hangout with liberal minded people with whom bisexuality isn't a problem, or at least not a big one. But I have yet to tell most of my family. 3. For me, I try to act the way I feel, in terms of genreal body language, than the way a heterosexual guys would. It was a big change for me and even when I'm around people I'm not out to, it goes a long way to making me feel more myself. Of course the idea is that other bi or gay guys might pick up on the fact that I'm not straight. 4. I came out to my friends first because they're my age and thus more readily accepteing of that type of thing. Also, coming out to your friends is a good way to help judge and practice for coming out to your family. Also I found it was very easy to come out for the first time to a friend, (or family member) who is gay or bi. They've got no reason to reject you right? good luck on whatever you decide to do. And stay strong, coming out isn't often easy.
Thankyou so much for replying guys, i really appreciate your advice and counsel, i have already come out to three friends and it was fine unawkward etc. however i don't know how to take it to the next step. should i tell my brother first and then my parents? when's a good time to do it? thanks again for replying i wasn't really expecting any posts. cheers, -franzde
Well,you should probably start with your brother,how does he feel about same sex relations?Do you think he'll be supportive?Someone said and it makes good sense,if the topic comes up or if you can casually bring it up see how they react first and,if there ok with it then just slide into it casually.If theyre not ok with it I'd say it maybe better to get support from other sources and slowly over time let them know, kinda let them find out for themselves.Over a period of time they may become more accepting,that also goes if you tell them right away but the initial shock may be too much for them and they maybe really negative about it towards you.I would feel out the situation first and get an idea how they feel about it without directly comin out @ least at first anyway.Don't tell them when their stressed out about something,make sure their relaxed whatever ya do.I'm lucky I guess i only told 1 family friend and of course he's supportive-he's gay lol funniest guy I've ever meet great guy. Anyway all my family think I'm gay,I never said anything to them but they figured something was different.I'm not going to try to tell them I'm bi that could just be a problem of being misunderstood as bi's often are at least not yet,they'll probably figure out that one on there own too.I'm not suggesting you go about it the way I did,i was just to chicken to come out to them.Good Luck,Franzde Let us know how it goes J
well that's just the thing, my parents are very liberal minded and accepting of almost anyone and my brother would think it's fucking cool that he had a bi-sexual sibling so the family circumstances look pretty positive and re-assuring, the only thing that concerns me however is the fact that i would most likely be seen differently by my family despite it being in a positive light you know? and i also have a huge thing for this girl with whom it seems i have great chances with and so i don't want to fuck that up either because i'd be heart broken if she thought that a hypothetical relationship between the two of us would be awkward... so i guess my circumstances are better than i could have hoped for as far as my family is concerned so that just leaves my straight side in a bit of confusion. what do you suggest? thanks alot for your hep, franzde
By and large I think they won't treat you much differently. It may take them a little while to realize you're basically the same person they've know all theyre life. As you've described it, I can't see it being that bad of a situation. As for the girl, if shes really a cool girl that you want to be with, wouldn't you want to be yourself around her? Would you really to want to date her if she didn't know? If she's the kind of girl with which a bi boyfriend is a problem, do you really want to date her? You may want to break it to her yourself and gently so. Explain that you being bi doesn't mean you'll be cheating on her with guys or anything. That'd probably be her biggest fear. hopethis helps man..
I don't know how well you know this girl or the people you want to come out to, but personally, I like to try to get to know other people a little faster than I let them get to know me. It isn't hiding or being secretive, it's just asking a lot of questions and being interested in them which keeps them talking about themselves, so that I have a better idea what I'm in for if and when I do start revealing something sensitive about myself. I ask about their religious beliefs, their opinions about social issues---abortion, legalization of marijuana, gay rights. Then I can make a much more informed decision about what, if anything to reveal about myself. Sure, you don't want to hide who you are, but neither do you want to tell your life story to someone only to find out they are an ignorant bigot, or any other kind of person who you'd just as soon not waste time with. The better you know the other person, the better you know how they will react to who you are. And if someone does start giving you crap, ask them questions such as "What exactly is your problem with who I have sex with? What are you afraid is going to happen because of me being bisexual?" The more you force them to try to specify what their beef is, the easier it is to point out how they are full of crap. Most of the pinheads who like to bash gays and bis prefer to do so in a way that avoids actually saying anything substantial, because there isn't anything substantial to say that makes much sense. And, of course, you MUST be completely clear yourself on why it's ok to be bi, or you are in trouble even if you DON'T tell anyone. Bottom line, though, like Albatron pointed out, someone who can't accept you for who you are really isn't someone you want to worry about anyway. Best of luck, and don't feel all alone, there are millions of people just like you going through the same crap! Peace
thanks, i'll keep that in mind, have any of you guys been threatened or offended by gay/bi bashers bigots or rude bitches? if so how did you react? did it ever end in violence? i guess i'm a little anxious about getting a beating as pathetic as that sounds but i'd also like to know how to avoid it etc. anyone?
Well I have'nt been threatened with violence so far grateful for that!,.I've been yelled at by passing cars.I usually keep walking like I hardly heard them.Once in awhile I've yelled back or given them the finger.Nobody's stopped or anything like that.Besides that I try to keep a low profile not saying much or attracting attention to myself.I do have a reputation with some people but I have'nt been bothered much other than those things and I hope I don't have to deal with that.I know there are bigots out there and you never know when or where it can be a problem,so i go with the flow. I feel those bigoted idiots who bash gays/bi's are closet case gay's/bi's so I pity those idiots,they having such conflict in themselves.At the same time I will stand up for myself if someone gives me shit verbally,if there was violence I'd fight back and I*would press charges to the full extent in a case like that too!!.I don't like to always worry about it but violence and harrassment does happen so I do worry.I'm more uptight than I want to be I just try to manage and not let it bother me.Besides that I really dunno. Joey
god that sounds awful. i guess not as bad as some other cases but still pretty shitty. is there safety in numbers r do those sorts of people not really care about that too much.
That's the extreme,.the worse case senarios.Most of the time nobody bothers me that's not to say people can't be idiots and it is shitty.I guess I'm a little paranoid too maybe too much,dunno.I know it sounds horrible.I do think there are safety in numbers but that won't stop bigots from being jerks.I go with the flow and don't flaunt it you know?,that seems to help. J
yeah sure i guess but still the fact that there is always that risk just seems so wrong to me, makes me feel misanthropist.
Yea you're right Franzde, That risk should not exist at all,it's so wrong that it does. It's almost like nasty and violent actions are condoned and promoted cause there's so much homophobia and hatred and most people want it to stay that way or be worse.I feel people are conditioned and brainwashed to fit the norm and mainstream.When they don't they practically get cruxified in some way.It's hard not to be hateful back at them and the lousy ways the wheels turn.I think we all here struggle with this in some way.It makes me real angry! "All we are saying is give Peace a chance *you Bastards*" LOL, Seriously,thats how I feel about it....on a good day! I try to hang in there. *J*o*e*y
god i know! it sucks! i'm so sick of hatred generally and the fact that it is associated with homosexuality at all makes me so sad. oh well. how's your relationship with this girl going?
It's going alright I guess,sometimes we talk and other times she has nothing to say that can be lame.I dunno,She lives bout 2 hours from me so I don't see her alot and I can't have her stay here much cause she's got kids.I don't want to play daddy that's not my thing lol.For the most part it's good though.She's really cool and we get along well. Yea I know the hatred makes sick I get angry and sad too.I hate to walk around paranoid!What the hell is wrong with the world!Why can't people just be cool,I mean wtf is the big deal.I don't think I'll ever truly understand. How's it going with the friends you came out to?? Are they treating you the same??I hope so. Have you told any of your family yet?? With me the girl I'm seeing knows and everyone on the forums and a good friend,other than that I have'nt told anyone.I had actually told people out of desperation in the past when the confusion was killing me and I had no clue about being Bi,that was just because I felt so insane,I really don't count that I dunno.I would never had said anything if I had'nt been so confused and scared.That's it though.It totally gets angry cause I want to be more open about it and tell more close people,I just don't want any hatred directed at me and I don't want them to treat me weird.So it's a real slow process of finding people who are safe to come out to.It really sucks,That's life though. J*
Franz,just do what feels right baby! you live life only once and if the happiness of being with another man brings you happiness in this short life we live,then by all means do it! I've now learned that,pushing the rest of the world aside and living life to the fullest and sharing my love towards other men who feel the same way I do.its been a hard road for me as well,people start to suspect things;giving me strange looks like they suspect me spending time with a lot of men and showing more phsyical contact with them more then I ever have.for me now its only normal,I set that aside and let myself love whatever humanbeing I choose (male or female) because its my happiness that matters,not theirs -DBD
