Help me I'm a twisted bitch

Hey...i dont know where else to go. I'm really depressed right now. I have a weird life story. Uhm....anyways. I was raised by my mom and grandparents. I never knew my dad. All my life they told me he didn't exist. A few months ago my mom broke down and told me the story about how my dad got her pregnant and my grandparents made her move away without telling him. Because she was my age at the time (14) so....i was pretty shocked but i wanted to meet him...

Anyways i have, he lives in California so i went and got to meet him. He surfs, and does all this cool stuff....and i lived with him the whole summer.

Anyways...the thing is he is my dad, but i have only known him for six months. He never molested me or nothing but....I really am attracted to him and even admitting this makes me want to commit suicide almost. It's so depressing. I feel like a freak. I feel disgusting.

He isn't bald or doesn't have a hairy back. Hes not fat. I dont know. This is my first time livingwith a guy ever. And i do things that make me pray to god that i wont go to hell. Like peek....i dont even want to talk about it it is ruining me.

Will this go away as i get to know him better? Or am i always going to feel like this? I want to slit my wrists. I dont want to go to a psychologist becaue id have to tell either him or my mo that i wont to go to one. I have no where to go. People here seem open minded. I dont think incest is ever right. It's just wrong but will these feelings go away? Are they normal or do i have some serious fucked up issues.

Thanks...

 

EMvME, Your ok. You met your Dad. Congratulations!!! Now just relax and think it through. That was a HUGE thing in your life. He's a good person, fit, trim. He's probably almost everything you hoped he would be when you thought he was gone. Now all of a sudden he's right there. Phone number and all. At 14 you have all sorts of things going on. God won't condemn you to Hell for thinking things. He better not or your going to have a bunch of company. Whatever you do, don't hurt yourself over this. Your feelings will most likely change.

 

^ I was gonna write a reply, but I couldn't write one better than that

 

Absolutely. Feel well man, you are a beautiful person regardless of how society would view your thoughts at the moment. Just be thankful you've met him. I'm still deciding if I want to myself.

 

honestly, hes the first non-idiotic male youve probably met, considering what most 14 year old guys are like. youre doing the rigth thing, by not acting on it. dont focus on it and itll eventually drift away. if you do happen to find a cute boy around your age (im gonna say no older than 16, preferably 14-15 if you can) then you might get a crush on him that will take the place of the current problem

 

EMvME - your father is the first male (except your grandfather) you have had a close, caring relationship with, and at 14, there will be a lot more. You are confusing familial closeness with sexual closeness, and at 14 you have just started to have strong sexual feelings and you don't know how to deal with them exactly.

To know that there is another person with your face (somewhat), way of thinking, and background (unless you have a brother or sister) is stimulating, but don't confuse that with sexual love. That could destroy what you have begun to develop with your father.

As others have said, get a boyfriend your age, and learn how to deal with a male of the species other than your father.

 

you people are so cool.

well i never will act on it, it just makes me feel bad that the thought ever even crosses my mind. when im around him and he dresses or is in bed i am curious to peek and it makes me feel gross inside.

i will try to get a boyfriend my age. the thing is i am taller than a lot of the guys at my school. people say guys develop slower than girls and all the guys in my class look like boys. most have squeaky voices. i have boobs andstuff lol. not to be gross but i look more like a woman and i notice older men staring at me.

it is hard to focus on getting a guy at school to be my boyfriend. my dads friends are all surfers and are all ripped up. nobody at my school is ripped exept the 11th and 12th graders. and some of the 10th.

but yeah i will never act on it...i just felt weird like i am experiencing it. i cant talk to my friends about it. we talk about cute guys but i feel like i am different than them. i feel like im more horny or more perverted than most girls my age. and that also makes me feel bad. like i was in the bookstore and i wanted to read a playgirl magazine and everyone says girls aren't supposed to like that. that its for gay guys only even though its called PlayGIRL. but i am always doing things that make me feel weird. like trying to look up a guys shorts or looking at their butts...?????? i dont think i am supposed to be like this for another few years if ever. my mom dated the ugliest guys and she always said its what inside that counts. and i see a lot of pretty women with guys who are more normal looking. but for me i guess i am not shallow but i like to look at guys bodies. instead of looking at whats inside their hearts and i wish i could be more like a normal woman.

so not just the dad thing but everthing about me makes me feel weird about myself.

one more weird thing about me is that i have a thing that rymes with zit that is kind of big. and i wonder if thats the reason. maybe i can get it removed or something. and i get "boners" with it...i know this sounds weird but it actually gets hard. its like less than an inch big but if i get feelings for someone it actually gets hard like a guys wang is supposed to. that makes me feel even more worse. like maybe i am a hermaphodite.....

theres just a lot about me and sex that i dont like. i want to just be more romantic and less shallow. i dont think i should be a horny person at my age when i have to focus on school and developing my character for when i get older. it makes me feel like the only future i will ever have is maybe as a porn star or a hooker or something or in a mental hospital

i just want to be a normal girl who gets crushes on guys my age and doesn't give it up on a first date (i am stil a virgin thank god) i dont want to grow up to be some kind of fucked up skanky girl. *sigh*

 

i woudl STRONGLY recommend AGAINST clitoral surgery. you dont need it, theres nothign wrong with have a larger than average clit. hlel, you have more area to play with and a much lower chance of the guy not being able to find it. enjoy what you have!

 

OMG!! You sound EXACTLY like me when I was 14! Well, not about the dad thing, but that's normal too. But I had an...ahem..advanced interest in sex which I was conflicted with for a while. Were you raised catholic by any chance?

Oh, and take it from a pre-med student--The clit is actually homogenous to the penis. This means that in embryonic development, the penis and the clit start out from the same tissue. In a male fetus, what would have developed into ovaries descend and become testicles. What would have remained labia become "ball sacks". And the clit continues to grow into the shaft of the penis. There is erectile tissue in the clit--in fact, that's pretty much all it is (well, that and a bunch of nerves). In other words, EVERYONE, male and female, gets boners. You're not a hermaphrodite. And DO NOT get it removed! I don't know any responsible doctor who would agree to do so, although with labial surgery nowadays, who knows. But you would DEFINITELY regret it down the road.

PM me, girl. We need to talk.

-Kate

 

The nice thing about having a brain is you can think any frigging thing you want. It's not the same as doing it. Relax.

 

You're not disgusting... And theres nothing wrong with having an interest in guys sexually. Me and my friends (or rather My friends and I) are always making rude jkes and saying rude things... Doesnt make us skanks or sluts and it definitely doesnt make you disgusting...

 

It's fine to have those feelings, don't worry so much! Maybe you're just feeling curious? Of course you two will never act on it, so what's the big deal? If a god exists and he's gong to condemn you for having these feelings, then he's not real accepting, is he?

Hey, just whatever you do, don't harm yourself over it! And you finally met your dad - so you should be happy instead of sad!

 

i voted a little



dont worry though im probably a lot

 

lol im the first for a little


im actually trying to be nice




dont feel guilty we are all humans too

 

there are so many good responses to this thread.

i do beleive that you are feeling the things for your father because he is a strong male role model for you and he probably doesnt feel like a blood relative to you because he hasnt been around you for 14 years. these feelings will probably cease once you have that father/daughter bond.

i doubt God will condem you to hell because of them
also i really wouldnt worry about your accelerated sexual interest. everyone is different. its normal to become interest in sex between the ages of 12-19. you are at the right age.
i encourage to you start some activities out of school where you can meet members of the opposite sex who are slightly older than you (15-17) and who have the type of body you desire. make friends with them first and then persue a romantic relationship. activities could include sport, surfing, drama, or church if you are that way inclined.

dont worry. you are still young. things are confusing at 14. give it a year or 3 and you will understand everything a little more clearer.

 

being twisted doesnt make you a bitch

 

theres nothing wrong with you, I think actually its completly normal. They say we grown up to marry someone who resembles our dad. Your 14.. puberty is still gunna affect you. Its new feelings thats all, your dad may be attractive, but that doesn't mean anything. Curiosity is all... and hormones redirect those feelings into someone your own age.
Don't worry nothing wrong with you! Don't hate your self, it all gunna be okay! Hugs! and much love!

 

Around your age I thought I was twisted and that there were all kinds of abnormal things about me, physically. Hang on for a while and eventually you'll see how, in those senses, you're not all that different from everyone else. Maybe you can talk to a professional at some point - not because there's anything wrong with you but because sometimes we need help understanding ourselves and talking out what we're most ashamed of.

 

Yeah, that sounds like me and my 2 best friends when we were 12 (not the dad thing, the other stuff) don't worry, It's normal. Every teenager goes through it and the people that deny it are lying because they are probably embarresed but there's no need. open up to your friends and you'll find that it's actually fun to talk about it with them because it's all new, different and exiting and they are most likely going through the same thing. you just have to be the first one to admit it and get it out of them.

 

Don't forget that you never had a male role model when you grew up. Little kids often peek at their parents out of curiosity with no sexuality involved. IE They're just curious about what a guy has there or whatever. Since you never experienced that, you just might be going through a psychological phase of curiosity of fascination with the opposite gender at 14 that most people went through when they were 3.