ok, about 5 years ago (first child birth) a doctor pulled us aside to speak personally to us. she clearly said "you two need to decide who's gonna come first" [between children or partner]. At first I thought that I should hold all human life in the same regard and that I would never 'play favorites' with my fam. Let me tell you something: I wish my partner would've paid more attention to that doc because she couldn't have been more right with approaching us with that question. My partner puts our children before me without a doubt - has even admitted it - in every which way, and I think it's wrong and falling into the same mistakes many have made throughout the past. What disturbs me tho, is that my partner wouldn't know that unless I pointed it out. I mean really, I plan to spend my life with you, and you're that self-centered? Please don't think I'm selfish and expect all the attention, for I am not downplaying the sacrifices and responsibilities of being a parent. I'm very familiar with those aspects. What can I do to make my partner realize that I was here first and those children wouldn't be here without me and to start treating me like the #1 that I used to be? Should children come first? Drop your thoughts
Count yourself lucky, sister and though I'm not gonna bash my spouse right here right now suffice it to say some parents don't put anyone first except themselves, or work, or their mom, or the football game. Be thankful your kids are in a secure, loving environment and take the opportunity!! You could go out by yourself, even if just to the library, or to the club, or a concert, or go camping and let him worry about the bug bites while you hike up to the waterfall. Seriously, I sooooooo wish I had your problem right now. In fact, I'm going to fantasize about it right now. Ahh, to have my partner pay more attention to the kiddies than me... Go take a bubble bath for me!! Becca
first you say don't think you're selfish, then you follow with some contrary statements. yeah, i agree with Becca, i'd say count yourself lucky too. personally, my sons come before anyone, even myself. they are only little for so long, by the time they are teenagers they won't be so dependant on you & your partner. by the time they start driving they will be gone, pretty much. but when they are little? their whole lives depend on you. it's not forever, so enjoy it! thank your partner for being there, loving those children. yeah, if he totally ignores you - but does he? mutual love of the kids = mutual goals, and will get you through some hard times. be ECSTATIC that he's not puting some other chickie before you! or drugs, or drink, or his job, his buddies, fishing....
Yep. That is what good mothers do. Strong relationships and ADULT men can handle it. You should be glad she cares about the children this much. Many womyn do not. An adult man can wait, he can feed himself, he can take care of himself. A child is totally dependent. Your wife is only doing what your child needs. Of course my kids come before my husband. He knows this, and has NO problem with it. They are children, they are growing. They NEED their mama more than anything. It doesn't he (or you) doesn't matter. Just that children NEED more. Grow up a bit. Read some Attachment Parenting literature. Read The Baby Book by William and Martha Sears. Attachment Parenting by Katie Allison Granju. Becoming a Father by William Sears (ESPECIALLY what YOU need right now is this book, it shows dads how to grow up and SUPPORT their womyn and children in an adult manner without being selfish and jealous.) Your womyn has it rougher than you do right now. Mothering a child is the hardest job there is. Deal with it. Why not support her efforts instead of complaining about what a good mother she is? Really, being the partner of a GOOD mother is not the worst thing in the world. Think of the good it is doing your children who NEED her all the time right now. SHE is being self centered? NO, she is being CHILD CENTERED. Who is being self centered here? Children come first. Putting a child first is the FARTHEST thing from self centeredness.
You're right. Maggie, she's complaining that the FATHER gives the kids too much attention! Happyhippyflower, you are a lucky lady. There are so many "fathers" out there that don't give two shits about their children. You need to understand that kids DO come first. Their needs are more important than yours because they cannot provide for their own needs. Maybe you should take a lesson from him.
I'd have to disagree entirely with everyone who responded because none of you can truly have a grasp on the situation. I'm getting teh impression (from posters here) that our lives are over as a couple, and we shouldn't set aside any time for ourselves & let our relationship fall to shambles. And if you are divorced or split up and have custody of the kid(s) and replied in this thread, you're not really the ideal person I should be talking to huh? I knew the tone was going to go the way it did, so I must graciously bow out before feelings get hurt. hhf
Well, you asked for people to drop their thoughts, which they did. You should have said "Please support me in my need to come first!" No one is saying that you and your partner should not have any adult time. What everyone is saying, and I echo those sentiments, is that while children are young (your first is only 5?) the children do come first. Many women have husbands that believe they should come first and are a royal pain in the ass when dinner is not on time because the baby needed soothing. Or husbands that come home from work and turn on the tv and ignore the kids. A partner that actually participates sounds heaven sent! Couples with children are going to make major changes with regards to time spent alone. It becomes rare and precious. I can't tell you how many times we have had to stop in the middle of making love to attend a child who is sick, had a nightmare or just needs a cuddle. It's what you do when a parent. BUT What I think you're saying is that you feel neglected. Not so much you want to be number one, as you said, but you want to feel like an attractive, sexy, desirable woman again, and you want your partner to see you as such. Nothing wrong with that. So if he doesn't take the initiative, it's on you to make him see you that way again. If he doesn't want to leave the children with a babysitter, then while he's busy giving the kids a bath or reading to them, make your room a love nest, cook a special dinner for jus the two of you and set the table with candles. Play some sexy jazz, fix yourself up like going on a date. Personally, I think your doctor is out of order and out of her scope of practice. How well does she know you to make that kind of statement? And making it a "us or them" kind of reality just set you and your partner up for unrealistic expectations. You took it to mean "us" and he took it to mean "them". It's not "us or them", it's all of you. You are not a couple anymore, you are a family. It's not like the children are little usurpers out to get all the goodies and attention, they are little people who depend on big people for life support. It's not like the adults are dictators to whom the weak and small must submit. You are now one unit, and what affects one affects all.
i'm sorry you feel that way, that you think we all are suffering from not having lives as couples because we have children. you are right! in the thought that there should be couple time - sometimes though it does have to be put on the back burner while you take care of the immediacy of small children. is there nothing your partner does for you? i know it's not much, but the little things my husband does for me means sooooo much to me. he gets up first and brings me my first cup of coffee in bed. i love that, that's for ME. when he goes to the store, he'll bring me a treat (sometimes). sometimes i have to tell him he better bring me a surprise or i'll be disappointed, which isn't much of a surprise then, but at least i'm not setting him up for failure to please me. we talk about our dreams in the dark before we go to sleep. we share the crossword puzzle. he puts a rose in my car so i'll find it when i'm leaving for work. dumb stuff individually, but it's how we connect. think about it, is there anything you do for your partner that's just for the two of you? and yes, i have custody of the kids from my first marriage. we didn't split up over how the kids were handled by the way, or the fact that i was secondary to the boys. i'm remarried now to my love, and starting with a new baby!! which makes me extremely happy even though i don't see any concerts in my near future... or goin out with friends, or getting that motorcycle i want, etc. please don't get hurt feelings. i don't expect you to tell me, a stranger, but i am going to ask - what are you doing for your partner? just talking about how you feel left out isn't gonna work probably. feelings will get hurt if partners start accusatory conversations, and damn if it ain't hard not to lay blame on someone that's making you feel bad. and those little snippy comments just come blurting out sometimes, making things worse (i'm just speaking for myself). there's gotta be some love there for you to have been together for over 5 years - things are bound to be different now that it's not just the two of you. but if you stick it out, it will be just the two of you again in the future.
I think you are lucky, very but I can see where you are coming from, YOU need attention too, have you tried doing things TOGETHER? Children change peoples lives, but he should still show you love. Most everyone needs love, tell him about it.......
You really need to have your time managed out...something like this....My time by myself his time by his self our time as a family and our time jsut the two of us. Ever week I have one night a week that is just mine to do whatever I want to. One day a week He has a night to himself. We try to have family time as much as we can...and we try to have date nights and time alone of we can as well. It is much needed. I know from being a stay at home mom that I am hung on daily and I give full attention to my child so when he gets home my focus isn't always on him ( my guy). Maybe try some couples counceling together it really helps. Dr phills relationship rescue is a good book too. But just take some time to be together without child. go on a road trip to someplace fun for a weekend if you can..go out to dinner. Ask him to cook you dinner. Massage each other...take a tip to the sex shop...do something romantic for him to entice his attention....go on a picnic...lay in the grass under the stars....talk....
Oh my! What a horrible suggestion! You mean...we should actually take our eyes off of the child just for a second!? What sort of terrible parent would commit such a crime?
Oh, I did read this wrong. I thought it was a man complaining that his womyn wasn't giving him enough "attention" because the mother was caring for the children. I am confused. Are you these children's mother? Or is this a two mother relationship? Because I have worked with a few lesbian couples where this is an issue. Although most lesbian couples have no problem in the attachement parenting arena. A suggestion. Does your partner do MOST of the childcare? I have been counseling parents for year, and most parents do do some sharing of childcare. Most womyn would be thrilled to have more help with the kids. WHY does your partner feel he has to do the lion's share of the childcare? I am really confused. Does he want help from you and not get it, or does he not want your help and want to do it all her/himself? Why? Not from my end. Been with my man 25 years. Been married 18 years. Had kids (four of them now) for 18 years. Our lives certainly changed when we had kids, that is a given, but our lives are FAR from over. Our lives are better with children. We did our running around before kids. No need for mature adults to be spending large amounts of time far away from the kids. A strong relationship can survive the rigors of concentrating on little ones for a decade or so. Our youngest is 4, she has never been left overnight yet, we don't think it is at all neccesary. She isn't ready, and we don't NEED to be away overnight to enjoy time with each other. Is your partner totally ignoring you? Why? I don't think the children can be blamed if this is the case. Although I put my children first, I don''t ignore my dh. Our relationship has certainly changed from what it was before children, but it has matured and changed for the better. We are real adults and parents. Not just partying fools we were before, LOL! In my counseling parents I have seen some cases where the wife is totally ignoring the dh and solely concentrating on the children. Often this is one of two things, 1) Just normal childcare, which is misunderstood by the dh who doesn't understand the HUGE amount of commitment children need or 2) a smokescreen for a problem which was present in the relationship BEFORE the child was born. It also depends on the age of the children. A baby under 3 or so really needs total commitment almost all of the time. Expecting too much "couple time" in this situation is unrealistic. (A quickie on a Sunday morning is about all you can hope for, LOL.) The time for you as a couple will come again. In a child over 4 or 6 or so (depending on the individual child's needs) expecting a couple of hours a week of your partner's time isn't unrealistic. Expecting days away, or longer, or hours at a time every day is. I strongly suggest looking at the Attachment Parenting literature. It will be a help in determining just what is realistic in expectation of what children need, and just what parents have to GIVE in order to fulfill those needs.
