Sorry, very long.... My wife and I have nothing in common, and she's been a real ball & chain when it comes to what I like to do. After 12 years I had enough (3 years ago). I have unusual interests (nothing weird just unusual), so I wondered if there were any women out there who I had anything in common with. I got onto a couple of online dating sites, just to see what type of women were out there. You could select different interests and see who comes up. It was interesting, but most of the women out there, although they were hot, were not what I was looking for on the inside. I did wind up talking to couple of them though. There was this one girl who had a really interesting personality, but she's kinda odd too. But we still write eachother. There was another woman who I had a lot in common with, but she was about 15 years older, and there was no physical attraction. Then I stopped for a while, and got back on one day. I was flipping through pictures of girls on this site, and I saw one who looked really hot. And she was in the same state. So I said hi. She wrote back and told me a lot about herself. She was soooo interesting, and she seemed interested in me. I really wanted to be friends with her, but I also wanted to be honest. I told her I was married with kids and was just looking for a friend. I was afraid she would steer way clear of me after that. But I wanted to start off on the right foot if we were going to be friends. She said thanks for telling her, and said we could be friends. She said too bad because she was getting interested. Man... So we talked online every day after that. She was so easy to talk to, and we had so much in common about what we liked to do, and what we wanted in our lives. After a few weeks the flirting began. Then, since she lived a couple hours away, we arranged a meeting. Nothing physical happened between us, just a fun time. After that, the flirting really started online. We met a few more times and got more touchy. She wanted to kiss, but I never planned on being unfaithful to my wife. After a couple of months though it was clear that we had a very strong connection. We did get physical then. And a month later I told my wife I was going on a camping trip for a week (which I do once in a while). Of course it was with the gf. I decided I truly loved her, and that true love doesn't come around too often, if at all for some people. I couldn't pass up this opportunity. I decided that if she wanted, we would have sex. The first night we almost did. The rest of the time, naturally she had her period ugh! lol. But I could see that more than that was up with her. She was feeling guilty. I didn't feel any guilt. I didn't rush into the decision to get close to her. I put a lot of thought into each step closer I got with her. So in my mind, where we were was just fine. But apparently she suddenly got the picture she was in bed with a married man, and withdrew. We had a long talk. I told her before I had always planned on divorcing when my kids grew up since I didn't want to break up their home, and I didn't want to be without them. She didn't want to wait that long (15 yrs), which was understandable. She we could only go so far in our relationship and that after we get to that point it would just be too frustrating. She wanted to move on. I was truly heartbroken. But what could I do? She was right. That summer after the camp was extremely painful. We both loved eachother, and now she was gone. She got a new job, and eventually was seeing someone else. We talked a little now and then. But the romance, and closeness I felt in her before was now completely gone. Was I imagining things? Did she really love me before? How could she so easily move on when I was going through torture? I could barely work I was in so much pain. All I could do was think about her and wonder what happened. I started rethinking my divorce plans. Perhaps I could move it closer. Before I met her I had decided on divorcing after the kids were gone. Shouldn't meeting my one true love warrent some rethinking? One thing I absolutely couldn't do was become an every other weekend dad though. So I read everything I could about divorce. And found that with young kids, the mother was favored in court. If I waited till they were 10, then I would have a fighting chance in court. I told her I was thinking of divorcing in 5 years now. That didn't seem to impress her. I couldn't see moving the date forward though... I didn't think I would get custody of the kids. So I looked more into divorce, and talked to lawyers. They said with the wife staying at home caring for the kids as she was, I wouldn't stand a chance. Have the wife get to work, and after a couple of years would be my best bet, and document everything as far as how involved I am. I am a good father, so I did start documenting everything - day after day which parent does what. And for many things like cooking, helping with homework, bathing kids, etc, I was involved 50-70% of the time. Other things like taking them to the doc, to school, camping, sports I was involved 100%. All this while I'm working, and getting my masters degree, and my wife is a stay at home mom. Well actually part time now. My one time gf was even more distant now though. I got her a birthday present and wanted to tell her my news of wanting to divorce in 2 yrs, and see her in person. She kept putting off when we could meet. Then she said she met someone else. This was the final nail. I figured it was over. But a couple weeks later we did meet. I figured it was going to be to say good bye. Actually it went pretty well though. The first thing she said was "so what's this news?" I said, oh... and told her about wanting to divorce in 2 yrs. She seemed interested in that. And talked like we would be together one day. She loved the gift I got her. This wasn't good bye at all... Apparently whoever she was with was gone now. I always had a feeling in my head that since we were so close, that it would be hard for her to find the right guy. Perhaps it's a bit conceited, but I'm just thinking the qualities she liked in me aren't your usual qualities. And she doesn't settle. So I always thought whoever else she's with it wouldn't last. So far it's held true. In the next few months we start talking more. And she tells me she hasn't found anyone as good as me This of course made me feel great. Still, she never opened up like she did before. And then she was with someone else again... ugh! I kept up my hopes as much as I could, but then it had seemed like she just wasn't the person I knew before anymore. Then, by the summer (of '06), I had finally started to be able to put her out of my mind some, and tried to accept that she was gone. Then suddenly she's back. And I mean really back. We're online and she's talking seriously about if I'm going to divorce, and her feelings for me that she's always had. It was so great having her back. She wanted to stay away from getting physical since I was married, but she didn't hide her love anymore. We talked all the time like before, and I talked to more lawyers. I began to put together a strategy for divorcing and keeping my kids half time. As I planned, I had doubts in my head. Even if I could get half custody of the kids, could I live with that? Could I help them get through the divorce ok? Would they grow up ok? Friends I've confided in told me that they would be fine. My gf of course said the kids would be fine. Still... it seemed like an abstract thing to whoever I talked to about it. These were my kids we were talking about. A very real thing to me. But I knew I loved her, and I was working through my feelings about divorcing. I agreed in principle with what people told me - that kids make it through divorces all the time. So then I had found a lawyer who I thought could win my case. My gf & I were very close (except for the physical part unfortunately). My wife mysteriously started seeming not so bad though. I mean her bouts of insanity she used to have didn't happen anymore. She was being nice most of the time. She was listening to what I wanted now. I didn't need this now. I wanted to divorce. Things proceeded though. At the end of last spring I told my parents that I planned on divorcing (said nothing about the gf of course). At first they understood. I gave the lawyer the retainer to start the divorce. It crushed me. All I could think about was how this would destroy the kids. I agonized over it at work, and cried about it later. I got encouragement though from a relative that I confided in about it. But now from my parents I got guilt trips. Now they were trying to get me to try fixing the marriage. They were worried about the kids too. And then my gf decides to go into hiding! Now??! She says she gets this way sometimes and doesn't feel like talking. Which is true, she does... but NOW??!!! And when we did meet, she suddenly loses the ability to say she loves me. This is all getting to weird. And I'm getting really pissed that with all the stress I'm going through she still cannot be as close as she was when we met. If anything she's going the other way. She says it's just guilt. But I'm putting everything on the line and she's being difficult. I write her and tell her I'm calling it off. And I call my lawyer and tell him to stop. The day after I get an email from her saying she really thought I was the one and how dissappointed and sad she is, and how if I need more time she'll give it to me. I am having major feelings of "What have I done?" Yes she's being difficult, but she is still your true love. After the divorce she'll have nothing to feel guilty about, and I know I don't want to feel the pain of losing her again. I can't live without her! So I call her and tell her I can't live without her and I was stupid for sending her that letter. She forgives me. I tell the lawyer to proceed. By now, I'm a certifiable nut case with all the stress and self doubt. The case is going forward though. I even have my kids teachers telling me they will testify saying I'm a better parent. I feel I can win the case, but I'm still worried if the kids can make it through this. The logical side of my brain tells me all the rational reasons this will be ok. My emotional side is in chaos. My wife seems strangely compelled to tell me she can work on doing better, even though she has no idea. Even in hindsight, I'm telling you, she had no idea. Things are so crazy, I literally felt like I had 2 distinct personalities in my head. One side saying this is the girl you love and she loves you. There are so many problems with your wife she can't possibly change all that. And when the kids grow up it would be just you and your wife living like grumpy roommates. And you would forever regret losing your one true love. The other personality would say what about the kids? And is she really the right one for you? I pressed on though, knowing she is the right one for me, knowing that there truely was so much my wife would have to change to make things better, and hoping my kids would be fine. The day came that the papers would be served to my wife. Before they came, I gave my wife a letter telling her I wanted to divorce. I wrote it all down and the reasons why because I knew I would be a basket case. My wife said no, it's all her fault and that she can change. At first I didn't believe it, but we talked and she sounded like she truely wanted to change all these things and that she didn't know I was so unhappy. I told her I didn't love her. And I didn't. She said she would have to live with that because she didn't want to live without me. If there were no kids, I would have divorced anyway. But there were, and if my wife truely could change as much as she said she could then the responsible thing was to stick with the marriage for the kids. And besides... if she meant what she said, my life, and the kids lives would be better. My gf naturally was upset. I tried to explain my reasoning to her, but she didn't understand. She didn't have kids, so she couldn't understand. She saw it as a choice and that I chose against her. I do love her very much, but I also love my kids. This isn't one woman vs another woman. It's a woman vs my kids. I have a responsibility to them. After that day my doubt seemed to go away. I knew I had to stay married for them. I think part of it was also that for a year I didn't know if my gf would ever come back so I had to try and move on. And when she did come back, I was overjoyed, but she didn't seem to be completely with me. As much as she seemed to want to be with me, she always seemed to keep me at a safe distance. I think that made it easier to call off the divorce. Well last summer has been pretty good. I have been able to do all kinds of things the ball & chain wouldn't allow before. And so has my family. And my wife has been amazingly patient and understanding with me. Her temper is gone, and she has no problem with me and my hobbies. We went through a marriage group over the summer. After the divorce was called off, I seemed to be able to move on ok. But now I think that I feel better off only because the stress of losing my kids is gone, and that I've thrown myself into my hobbies to distract myself. Now I am feeling my loss. My gf and I still talk nearly every day. It hurts sometimes to talk to her, because I really want to be with her. But she's my best friend. I have to keep her in my life. She seems to finally understand why I couldn't go through with it, but still calls it a choice. It doesn't feel like a choice to me, because I reaaaaally want to be with her. But the thought of going through all that again makes it feel impossible. I feel trapped in a marriage with someone I don't love, while a wonderful woman, after all this heartache still waits in hope that I change my mind and divorce. Still waits until recently... she asked if there's any hope of me changing my mind, because she wants a family and says she can't wait forever. I explained again why I couldn't do it. She said she understood and asked again. I had to say no I still can't believe I would ever tell a woman like her, who is so beautiful on the inside and outside, who I love so much, and after all this that we couldn't be together. The realization though is getting to me that I do not love my wife. We went through that marriage group but I know she is not the one for me. If it were just her and I, I might be able to think we were going to be ok, but I have seen what love is, and I have seen what I am missing out on. My gf is the standard which I hold my wife to, and she can never measure up no matter how hard she tries. And she doesn't even know what it is she's measuring up to. I know it's unfair to her. And I know that without being married to the gf that the gf can always seem better without going through married life's ups and downs, but still, I know she and I would be great. Well I know this has been very long. Thanks for listening. If you haven't gotten married yet I have one thing to say to you: If you're in a bad relationship as bf/gf, breaking up is a cakewalk compared to divorce. Do not settle for less than true love!
hey man, that shit was too long, if you could give a brief synopsis of what you were saying thta would be great.
Ok... Life's a bitch, and then you die. Basically I summed up my lesson learned in the last paragraph. It's too late for me because I'm married, with children. But if you're not married yet, look at the last paragraph and don't make the same mistake I did.
all i can say is that i understand how you feel, and if was you i would do the same thing even knowing that divorcing is the better thing to do sometimes it takes alot of curage and pain to get on the right track
You have been through an emotional roller coaster! I can relate in this situation as my partner is currently going through a divorce and a custody battle of his own! It is really hard for the g/f to wait patiently for so long believe me! However, it is also necessary for her to support her partner emotionally and be there for him. If you want to chat about this, message me and we can chat!
Hello, Do you see anybody that you can talk to about this - a minister, a counselor, or even something like a support group or the like. I wouldn't try to go through such a rough time of transition without bouncing things off an experienced person who wants you & the people you love not to suffer. I had a really rough time a couple of years ago, and I tried to get thru it alone. If I could change one thing about the last 3 years, I would have gotten help a lot sooner.
this is why i would never get involved with a married guy...i can't believe this chick let you string her along like that. it's really easy to decide you don't love someone when mr. stiffy is acting up isn't it?
I talked with a counselor during the spring of '06, before she came back into my life. I was really stressed. I was trying to figure out if I should divorce or not while also wondering if she even liked me or not. I was still dealing with the heartbreak of losing her too. From the relationship we had at the start, I couldn't figure out how she could just be gone out of my life. At the time, she was very distant. I know now she was just trying to move on because she thought I wouldn't divorce. Turns out she was right unfortunately. The counselor I talked to seemed to ignore the relationship between me and my wife, and concentrated on my gf. He seemed to be steering me towards divorcing. But what he didn't adequately discuss is the effect of divorce on children. He doesn't have kids, and doesn't really deal with issues relating to kids. And that was my main hangup. So I probably should have looked for someone else. btw, yesterday was my wife and I's 15th anniversary. Oh joy. We planned a weekend away (starting tomorrow). We agreed no gifts, since the trip away would be expensive. So I wasn't thinking about that, or that the actual anniversary date was yesterday. Then yesterday the alarm clock went off and she wakes up singing "happy anniversary!". I'm like Yeah.... happy anniversary. oops. Not much of a day of celebration for me.
