A Simple Touch (heavy duty critique wanted -kind of long)

A Simple Touch



The womb-like night swathes

a day spent tracking railroad ties

overgrown with thistle

easing barbed wire

and gathering stones.



Cooling sweet tea from tins

with apples, cheese and crumbling beer biscuits

and finally sleep;

where our fingers embrace

and warmth and light

of embers,

glowing stones

and hazy heady smoke of campfire,

joins the scent of dirt and wild sage,

and folds us in;

we drift ‘til morning.



Hasten forward, in time, in years,

to an electricity blown night

after a triple digit Texas day

in a city too big for anybody’s boots,

where windows married to sills

croak apart.



Where the barely breeze

doesn’t cool, doesn’t whisper,

where neighbor’s voices

form an unfamiliar rattle;

where vodka pours well

over drippy ice;



and when the sun forsakes you,

in this night sans electric pastimes,

the deepening hues of golden sky

touch an ache;

candle flame

a memoir

to that long ago camp,

and the dawn, far end of this abyss

is life, is death

and a simple touch

a distant star.

I really want to call this one finished but need your help. Where did you get hung up or stumble on the words? What parts did you like best?

 

Anybody? I bumped it - any feedback?

 

Overall, I like it. I like the images, and the simple choice of words, and I like that you are both writing feelings and places, which is unusual for this site. I like the simple details you pick out. I also like that you don't use "like" constantly

I don't like the line: "where windows married to sills". And is "croak" the word you want? It could work, if you're using it instead of something like "creak" for a reason...

I'm not sure what I think of "drippy ice". It seems out of place, and clumsy. It spoils the atmosphere. Dripping, maybe?

You write: "night sans electric pastimes". I think you need to put in some images of, and the feel of what the world is like with, electricity. You need the contrast to drive home the point, and I think this should go before the blackout part.

 

Thanks Weaselpop - this was extremely helpful !!! I know places that I will focus on next and finally get this one finished. I like your suggestion of "dripping" best... in the original I did have some of the "electricity" built in and ended up cutting it but may go back and think about adding something here for the contrast. Will consider croak too... I did have a reason but it may not be a good enough one. I appreciate you taking the time. Vetty

 

will agree on the dripping. and the last stanza does need some tweaking around with. i think form wise it'd be neat if you had it end in longer lines. not too much longer. i dunno. it can be played around with.

i'm bewildered by the croak. the first time i read it i got it, i heard the sound. pictured windows married to sills. old. long. together. stuck if you will. open'm up and it kinda croaks. my windows used to. i dunno.

creak works either way though. "technically" and all

 

Well. I'm back. I've read this poem a few times now and the more I read it, the more I like it. Let's start with my favourite parts...
the second stanza is really comfy and evokes real warmth and I love the line "and folds us in;"
I also love the line "in a city to big for anybody's boots". Very clever.

But I too, stumbled on the 'croak'. I really like the way you end the poem, but for me, there needs to be some sort of word before 'candle flame'. When I tried reading aloud, it just seemed to jump a little as it is. Maybe "the flickering candle flame". I'm not sure.

Anyway, it's good to be reading more of your poems. This one, like your other work, is another extremely well-written piece.

Peace,
A.

 

They're better than most of the stuff here, but that's probably because you're not some depressed teenager, and it has a structure and stuff.

I'm not so big on poetry in general, because to me it often sounds really forced and people tend to resort to the same elements and the same images and the same themes as everyone else-- sunrises, sunsets, the elements, windows, time-- because they think that poems have to have beautiful things in them.

Anyway, my point is that this poem gave me the impression of a struggle to be just like all the other poems I've read, but it's still probably good and other people would probably still like it.

 

You made me laugh Heywood Floyd! and yes! I sometimes try hard to not be so dark in my writing so I can fit in better - but most of the time it doesn't work. Even this one is sad at the end. Aidan, I was so worried about you! I imagined you kidnapped on that Laos bus with nobody to pay the ransom. I missed you a lot... I would have paid the ranson if I knew where to send it. How did you escape? I'll try to go read your posts... but I've been on this 31-poems in 31-day challenge and I'm still not done with the one for tonight. So perhaps I'll be awake before the worm and take some time to get caught up. I came here just to see if you were alive or what! Glad I found you! More later, V :hyper: