Can gay men be monogamous? MERGED

happens to us straight guys too
but ya gotta realize its better toonly waist a couple months on the ones who arent just right instead of years only to have it fail..
sooner or later though most ppl will find someone willing to put up with our asses

 

You're right... time is what it takes.

 

Now it seems to me that if heterosexual was natural, there wouldn't be glbt issues. We'd all be straight.

Or vice versa.

Catch my drift?

 

Oh, and although it'd be interesting to see if i could deal with monogamy...but I know I'd eventually get too jealous. For example, i have to work one day but they get the day off together...QQ i'd feel so left out lol

 

If I had married my first girflriend, im pretty sure I would have been deeply in love with her and never even noticed another girl for the rest of my life...Hopefully I find this kind of love again. I believe in monogomy....and Im glad my parents did too!! Such a happy family

 

I can't imagine being in a polygamous relationship. I already get somewhat jealous when my boyfriend hangs out with other people instead of me; having multiple partners would drive me insane. Plus, I don't think that a polygamous relationship could ever be as satisfying as a monogamous one. There's so much more trust involved with monogamy.

 

I can somewhat agree with that. However, I think it really just depends on the actual people involved in the relationship. For instance, I've been with my boyfriend for just about 5yrs now. At first, for me personally, it was all about monogamy. He was the only one for me and I was happy with that.

After 3yrs though, something changed..not sure exactly what it was, but things just changed I guess. Not my feelings nor emotional attachment to my bf, but my feelings towards complete monogamy.

Anyways, I think if you're truly in love with someone, honest communication is the best way to go. I "confessed" my feelings to my bf and he was totally understanding. Really appreciated my honesty and understood it was nothing personal against him. "sex is sex" and he knows it's meaningless if I end up hooking up with some other guy. and the feeing is totally mutual. You just gotta know what you want and be honest with your partner (and yourself most importantly). no need to cheat, lie, and create weird -ass vibes in the relationship.

so i think there is still lots of trust involved even if monogamy is not 100% there. i know i'm not alone on this one here, right guys?

 

Arguing what is and isn't natural in this case is silly. Humans are adaptable creatures, we do whatever works best in the moment. Lifetime monogamy is certainly possible, and potentially wonderful, but why should it be superior to anything else?

 

i think that, even though i have not had much experience, that if you truly love someone, and have built up an open trust-worthy relationship, then it shouldn't matter if one person has their one-nighters with someone else.

i do also believe, that if you both are comfortable enough to not get jealous you can make your monogamous relationship into a three way RELATIONSHIP and all share your lives together. i think it doesn't matter where the love comes from, as long as everyone is comfortable and content it can come from 3 HUNDRED people (thats a bit much tho, i was exaggerating) as long as you stay connected with both people and don't block one out. in that case, i would consider THAT cheating, if your partner is uninformed of a specific occasion where the other two had sex and is uncomfortable with it.

 

QFT.

 

I don't know, is there more trust in monogamy? It doesn't seem like people in monogamous relationships trust each other any more than anyone else, from what I've seen. Polygamy/open relationships/whatever seem like you'd have to trust someone more; you've got to trust them to sleep around without sleeping with "the wrong people" - i.e. people that you both know would piss you off.

In an open relationship, I think you either need an unspoken thing or a list of definite don'ts. Kinda like the opposite of that thing where monogamous couples make a list of five (usually famous) people who they're allowed to cheat with if they have the chance; instead you have a list of people who they must not sleep with. To me they're on the same kind of level.

I don't know, I've not been in an open relationship and I've never cheated on anyone. I've had two casual things overlap slightly but that was about it and (I hope) neither was under the impression that it was anything more. So I have a limited understanding of how this would work. I have been with a guy who was seeing someone else, and it didn't bother me at all, so I feel like I could handle an open relationship without any serious problems. My only problem with the idea really is that I think I'd end up having my guy "stolen" - i.e. if he had to choose between me and someone else, the other guy's going to be the one insisting on monogamy, so i'm likely to lose out.

 

Its a different rulebook to hetero though, there's no baby rush in ones 30s (when a lot of them settle down), no biological clock. No real reason for us to settle down till later. A big part of monogamy in heteroes has to do with the risk of bearing/raising others children


As for ltr's, well thats got to be most about best friends, I always go in with the approach of tending towards momogamy, if he was with other guys a couple times a month, I'd be like "hey hang on a minute". But I also could never seriously expect him to go years not having some extra curricular fun. If he wants to get some and not have you find out, that aint all that hard.

As for heteros, dont assume just cos parents keep it G-rated around the kids, and still when the kids grow up, and then the grandkids. Mum bakes scones, covers the house with pictures of flowers and knits; that they dont do things like treat each other to a third partner around each others birthday. think of all the tricks we do to keep things private, you really think some dont do similar, with as well as without their partners knowledge

 

No biological reason, maybe. But I'm not going to pretend that I don't want to meet the man I'll "marry" sooner rather than later. I do wonder if this is an attitude that changes with age, or maybe a generational difference, but a good half of my gay friends have settled down and got married in the past couple of years. It may be that my generation simply sees more reason to settle down, for social reasons, out of peer pressure, or an aspiration towards greater integration. I don't think it's just to do with babies with the heterosexuals either; while the choice may be different, the inability to maintain a longterm relationship is seen as socially undesireable.

See, personally I'd have a lot more trouble with someone doing it in secret that I would with them doing it at all.

See, I really don't think the occasional dalliance makes someone a polygamist. That to me is at most an open relationship, or otherwise just straight up cheating. As I understood it, polygamy refers to more than one partner over a period of time.

 

Well the trend with straight guys is to leave settleing down till later, average age of hetero marriage has gone up not down, I see this trend continuing. I would assume gays of your and following generations would follow suit

 

I must point out I'm not advocating rooting around, not saying I do, I dont. Not judging those that do

 

Could be. My thinking was, to put it bluntly, that the novelty of gays being able to fuck whoever whenever may have culturally worn off; we've had a few decades of enjoying being different, now we want to prove that it doesn't own us. I don't know though.

 

Not really the way it is with my generation either, more like 20% getting the attention from straights and speaking for all of us. You dont see the guys seeing the same guy week after week to hang out, watch DVDs and cook....thats boring

 

Shouldn't we, like, do something about that?

 

Not really, Humans only really pay close attention to those the same age to see how to act. You have to see the girls in full baby making mode, from about 28 - 40 to see how it really is between straight people. Then you'll see there are parts of the whole gay thing, Church vs Evolution, Church vs Gay, that are really there to hide info about the girls and protect them at least till they get to that stage.

I know from your previous comments about protecting girls, which half of gay you are in, for now think about a few things:

- That you have subconsciously trained yourself to always look in a girls eyes first (straight guys don't do this)

- With both guys and girls, no one else can see the look you get from them head on (not all guys get the same looks you might get from girls)

-try work out which looks the girls give that you imitate and send out to the guys

- Pay attention to the very first set of looks you get from a guy, when you first meet him


For half of us its all about the eyes, the other half its all about voice, body language, with some in between: a mixture of both

 

^Posted in the wrong thread?^