Walden Pond In the woods echoes the faint voices of children The wind off the water dances with the sound The beauty of autumn begins to poke its head out In the golden hues of a September Sunday afternoon Forgotten city speed, sound, and smell Walden Pond shimmers with a gentle peace In the air, scents of sweet autumn's joys Quiet reflection in visiting pilgrims' feet Rocks piled in shade and stillness The pond dances with wading feet Pulling my jacket close I reflect I came to the woods to learn my lessons well Herin lies the silent soul of this land No wonder Thoreau loved it here so much Its all so simple, so simple
I liked this one. I can see you are trying to capture Thoreau. I think there are some slight movements or shifts that you can try that may make it flow a bit better but it is very good so just make sure you keep all your drafts - but do play with it... here are a couple of thoughts/tweaks from my perspective.... I thought (opinion) first line would sound better more direct and I made a few slight twists... see notes below. The faint voices of children echo in the woods, the wind dances off the water with the sound; the beauty of autumn begins to peek through this golden afternoon, and the speed, sounds, and smells of the city are forgotten (you used poke, peek is probably not best word either... but just an example - I thought this needed a better verb here; I dropped September Sunday - but only because I wasn't sure these adjectives were crucial to the poem... you might think otherwise - but it broadens the poem to not frame it so specifically - more readers might be able to identify with it.) It is a gorgeous poem, and I really enjoyed it. Forgive the feedback, not sure you were looking for any but I just tend to read everything posted on any writing forum as if the writer's goal is not just personal (diary/journal) but professional (publishable/looking to improve/serious). As with all feedback, you only take what feels right to you. Ultimately it's a process that belongs to you! Keep writing, you have a good way with words.
I appriciate your critism, but my poems are, as you did suggest, just personal. Usually I don't alter too much after it comes out because for some reason I feel like how it comes out was how the moment revealed it to me...you know? But I appriate your feedback/critism. Thank you.
I don't want to repeat all of what Vetty said, but "poke" is really out of place. It seems very clumsy amoung the other words you used. As someone who isn't familiar with this pond, I find it very difficult to get a solid grip on either the place or the emotions of the speaker. I could probably elaborate if you'd like, but I'd have to think about it.
Your ending is perfect for this poem. I think you just nailed it. I got a very spritely feeling from this one. In fact, the way you spoke of Autumn, I actually saw in my mind a sort of fairy or a sprite hiding behind trees, ever elusive. But I also like the modern imagery, the city and your presence asserted with your action of pulling in your jacket. Overall, a well versed piece.
