What constitutes sexual abuse?

I'm sorry but I have to ask this. I have to ask a group less predisposed to all give me the same answer. (Sorry if this is in the wrong place, but I felt it was a little heavy to drop on the Love&Sex boards.)

Here's the thing... three years ago I was in a relationship with a much older, married man. Over the internet. It lasted for more than a year until my now-fiance made me break it off.

I just still have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Because it's caused a lot of emotional and mental problems, but I don't think that means it was really that bad, just that I can't handle things well. Besides, there was no physical contact, just extensive chatting photos videos etc. And we really did have feelings for each other, so I thought anyway.

Because I was below the age of consent at the time, it's technically classified as abuse, but I wonder sometimes. I was in a support group for other girls who'd survived sexual abuse, and their stories were so much different than mine; they all involved rape in some form by a close person, and mine felt more like it was consentual. I mean you can't exactly hold a knife to someone's throat from thousands of miles away or something. When I told my story, I could sense their anger at me. (One finally came out and said, "Over the internet? How does that work?") I definitely did not belong there; those girls had no choice, and I could have controlled my situation but was just too weak to do so.

Every time I bring up to my therapist that it might have been a relationship and not abuse, she just firmly replies that it was abuse and I'm just confused. Everybody does that when I try to bring it up, because the definition is set. But for me there's a huge difference between being an underage mistress and being molested by a family member or something.

So, in your honest opinion, where is the line between a relationship and abuse? (Or, to put it bluntly, am I a victim or a homewrecker slut?)

 

kinda a grey area, it maybefelt likea relationship to you but ws that mutual/?
he was married, so technicaly anything he did was wrong, but was it sexual abuse? that depends on alot of factors..often theresalot of guilt tripping or manipulation involved , even demands...were thngs sexual right from the start? but the biggest thing id say is if you felt abused..
it sounds like your therapist is trying to earn her paycheck, ofcourse you need therapy, you were abused..the only way you wouldnt know if a semi long term thing was sexual abuse is if it led to a ifetime of simularly abusive relationships youve accepted as normal

on the homewrecker question though. perhaps, but i doubt you though about that much caught up in the rush

cant say wether it wasabuse or not though based on these details
but if heasked you to do things you didnt wantto do, or you felt bad about doing them then yes
were you harmed long term?

 

The age of consent looks good on paper, but has little use in the real world. People mature at different ages. The law does not take this into consideration.

I think its only abuse if you were forced against your will. You're old enough to know what you're doing, and you did. It was only a mistake if you turn it into one. I would look at it as a learning experience and move on with life. Don't sing the "woe is me" song that society wants you to sing.

Adults just get faint at the fact that kids might actually enjoy sex or sex play. It is totally taboo in most western cultures. This is a result of religious morality intruding into the lawbooks more than natural selection.

Its natural to be sexy at 14. But don't tell the adults that make the laws.


x

 

...You're letting me off the hook way too easy, I'm afraid. Three months in or so, I started considering all the things I hadn't thought about before. She was one of them. I should have stopped it then, but everything was too easy... now that all the legal mechanisms have been set in motion, I can't stop thinking about her or their kids. When everything catches up it's going to tear apart his family, all over a stupid vendetta, and now I can't stop it, and there'll be no repercussions on my end which isn't fair or just.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to tear down your response or anything... just trying to work through this.:nopity:

 

what do u mean "over a stupid vendetta", that sounds as if u got involved with him to get back at his wife or something, sorry but could u plz explain a little better here, otherwise I'm not sure how to reply.

 

I mean by telling my parents and them getting the police involved. Because otherwise they (his family) would've never known about the relationship, not to mention that he might go to prison...

 

why did u tell your parents, was it to purposely get him into trouble or to get back at his wife or cos of something else?

 

Something else. Not revenge related but I have those feelings sometimes, towards him only.

 

emotional pain can be considered sexual abuse in legal standards. However, if he didn't make you uncomfortable in any way, then it may not be abuse in your eyes. Emotional pain is not considered sexual abuse.

I conducted sexual abuse seminars/support groups and a few of the girls really surprised and hurt me. At the beginning, they'd tell me this elaborate story about their situation, then later come out and say they only claimed "sexual abuse" because the guy broke their heart.

It is what it is to YOU. If you felt uncomfortable through the situation, then it can be considered almost an emotional abuse.

You should have gotten out of the situation when you had the chance.

 

here is the definition of sexual abuse from the National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect:

Sexual abuse is any time that a child is engaged in a sexual situation with an older person. It can include actual physical contact, such as fondling or rape, but it also includes making a child watch sexual acts or pornography, using a child in any aspect of the production of pornography, or making a child look at an adult's genitals.

Legally, what happened to you is not in a grey area at all and would constitute abuse.

 

um... yeah. with other kids. Not with a grown man.

 

the language of the definition itself is a grey area lets disect this

line 1: Sexual abuse is any time that a child is engaged in a sexual situation with an older person.

first off the term child is poorly defined, when doesa child become an adult? again, sexua situation, poorly defined, there are those who actualy think a hug, a cuddle or kiss is a sexual situation. in fact sexual situations could as well be defined as anytime you feel aroused or are thinking about sex. and finaly, older person equaly poorly defined..hours older?

line 2: It can include actual physical contact, such as fondling or rape, but it also includes making a child watch sexual acts or pornography, using a child in any aspect of the production of pornography, or making a child look at an adult's genitals.
this is odviosly much clearer, fondeling rape making a child watch or perform making them look
making being very key here
most kids have seen adult genitals from young ages thats not the problem, its when its forced on you, against your will
otherwise leaving the door open a crack accidently while u shower could be concidered sexual abuse

by that definition what shesdescribing would not be sexual abuse unless he pushed himself on her, initiating sexual acts before she wasready & exposing her to things she wasnt willing to be exposed to.

thats sexual abuse..
was the relationship ultimately good though?
perhaps not
were people being hurt? seems so, his family more then anything
& was she emotionaly ready for a mature relationship?
probly not if she got the cops after him out of jealousy or whatever

(not to come down on you either, but it seems that your reaction was more out of hurt of not being ableto be together then sexual abuse, am i correct? & if so, perhaps the mature thing would be dropping the charges, he may not ever fix his family, but at least wont be jailed for caring)
but ofcourse if this was something hed been doing withother girls behind his wifes back, & there wasa more sinister intent beyond just having arelationship with you then perhaps hes getting what he desserves but thats not the feeling im getting here
& this iswhy the laws too limmited doesnt take into account that relationships can exist that include sex maybe but are not just sexual acts intended to harm
unlike that guy drollin over every 14 year old i do think the spirit of the law is good, but at times can be used to harm innocent people whos only crime was to love
but theres no doubt that theres plenty of sickos out there who would harm no, thrive on harming innocent lives, but the law needs to be far clearer what exacty abuse is
both to protect those from the creeps of the world & to protect the falsly accused

& like i said tothe original post, only she can tell if it was truly sexual abuse
& sexual abuse does not mean feeling sad cause your not having sex with him someone else is

forgive me if i overanalized that

 

no physical contact? then yeah, that's definitely not abuse.

 

well i wouldnt say definately to that either
sexual abuse can happen without contact, if the person used guilt trips, or belittlement to get her to do sexual things..if her sexuality was harmed by it, i thoink that the area between verbal & sexual abuses can blend

 

who's considered "older" is clearly defined legally and varies state to state. For instance, I think in some states it's something like any more than 5 years older and/or a minor with an adult. Don't quote me on that though as I'm no expert on the law... I just know it's something along those lines.

...and yes, "sexual situations" is rather vague and certainly requires common sense. I didn't paste the entire definition, but it includes examples, including masturbation in front of the child/adolescent. Based on what happened to this girl it would definitely be considered sexual abuse and a mandated reporter would be required to call CPS.

 

I can't believe I'm doing this, but I have to say a word in my own defense: I told my parents and set off that whole thing months after the fact, so at the very least, please don't classify it as a knee-jerk reaction. (Also like to mention that telling them was my fiance's idea in the first place.) It also doesn't fit because I was the one to break it off, not him.

...then again I'm probably just trying to avoid taking responsibility for my actions. :-/

 

Now that part doesn't sound right.Like the other poster said,you should have just moved on and used it as a learning experience.Your fiance should have been out of the loop.

 

how old was this dude anyway?

 

Maybe my fiance should've been out of the loop. But what can I say, except that I was 15 at the time it ended and he and I were both depressed and swapped angst. So I told him and then he was involved. You can't un-say things... if nothing else, I certainly have learned that.

And the guy was in his early forties.

 

Well,allI can say is that he was an idiot for communicating in that manner to a 15 year old.Maybe he gets what he deserves before some other girl pays a price of a serious nature.