I don't know what you'd call this, honestly. It's the only way I can really control my anger! What I did was sit down and write out ALL my thoughts at the moment down in poetry form. It's nothing structured, but that's basically what I go through emotionally every single night. Anyone else ever tried anything like this? I feel like I'm the only person in the entire world. Everyone else is dead and gone And here I am Cold Numb Empty Alone Even my tears are cold. Where is Ken Kesey? Why, he's dead and gone to the grave He threw our Bus to the swamp and then he died Where are the Pranksters? Why, they too are dead They too are gone They too have gone to the grave. Oh, my soul. Do you not remember? How we stared out the window, Day-Glo faces staring at the cold world with our warm lysergic eyes? Don't you remember the Learyites in their Crypt? It's not rapping anymore. They really sleep in a crypt somewhere. Dean, I let you take me with you I wanted to make the final journey with you Only I never slept. I wandered and you wandered but I never found you I never found Kerouac either. I thought maybe you hadn't died Or maybe I'd find Furthur's crew again and maybe they had not either died So I came back to Earth to look But you left me. We just missed eachother in the journeys of death and consciousness But oh, my aching tie-dye soul. Do you not remember? Rolling along the countryside with speed insomnia and electric orange juice? The Intrepid Traveler? I go out into the streets outside my window and shout as loud as I can "The Intrepid Traveler!" and it only echoes a little. And no one raps back. I'm just standing there, alone, and the strange faces scorn my insanity. I don't remember insanity. Why is what just was then insanity now? I've stared out of asylum windows. You know this because you were below me in the graveyard. Where is she... She's up in New York somewhere I think. Kesey they found the bus. I'm sorry but they took it back and they have it up there and they're restoring it. They need help would you be mad if I went? But, oh my soul, my aching soul. I'd probably drop dead if I ever saw her again. To walk within the walls I walked in so many years ago with you! With you by my side! You all were there. I'd see Dean's ghost at the wheel smiling with his tireless amphetamine smile, Rock. I'd see the laughter and acid rapping and freedom and paint and Hagen would come up to me with the camera and a smile and read my mind. And then I'd see Cassady's smiling figure deteriorate into a rotting skeletal mass with a beer bottle and a bandana And everyone would rot and melt and die again! Bad acid. Sandy I'm going to take the Unauthorized Acid too. Next week. I'm going to see ghosts and cry and Kesey won't be my trip guide either. But that's all I have. Heh, you haven't seen what the world is like today. I'm the only person in the entire world, and it's cold even in the summer. It's dead summer right now, and sometimes when I look out the window I see or maybe feel winter. Even though there's no snow and blazing sun I see winter. Maybe it's winter in my soul. Have you been to my soul? It's always winter there. Yes, always cold. Always bitter. The sun shines but it's a cold arctic sun that warms nothing. It's just there for aesthetic appeal. I'm shivering right now. My tears don't even feel warm on my cold face and that's wierd. My toes are numb like I've been trudging through the snow for hours like I used to when I was a child. Dean Why Tell me please! Where are you now! Where do the Pranksters dance? I'm ready to dance it's been over 40 years and I'm dying! I am DYING Oh, my soul. Oh, my soul. Oh, my soul. Have you forgotten me? I'm still here! I used to be with you. Remember? We rode through New York City and everywhere. We were one! One mind! How have you forgotten? Don't make me cry. I've cried enough today. Andy, my baby. I never got to say goodbye. You were going to be my hero You were going to save me You sold your laptop remember what happened to that? Couldn't you even say goodbye? You hurt me more than you will ever know. Dean I think I've found you but still you shouldn't have done it. I wish you would've waited, seen my sorrow in reincarnation and decided not to come back I wish you would've stayed Neil Cassady But I don't really mind that you became Dakota but I can't get close to you and I don't think Dakota knows. I think he knew once for like a moment but he's forgotten now and he will never remember again. You were something. I can't understand. I'm going to New York or wherever she is to sit in Furthur alone and keep my silent hallucinations to myself. I'm going to close my eyes and everything will be like it was and I will be home. My knees drawn up to my chest, my eyes clooooosssssed, smiling and tears streaming down my face. Silent, peaceful, sorrow tears. But I shouldn't be planning this I thought about how it was wrong while I typed it. I don't want to seem like Kesey was back at La Honda. Things are a lot like they were back then, you know. When I face the world I'm going to be forced to be a troubador like we used to be back in 1964. We've regressed and I have to do all the hard stuff again and it won't even be as fun. How can things be fun when everyone you love is dead and gone in graves and you're the only human being in the entire world? That's why I need to do the LSD. I need to understand why Maybe Kesey will come to me Maybe Andy will come and tell me he's sorry I know why Kesey abandoned the bus in the swamp. I know why and it makes me sad But it's true It was true then and it was true now. But the difference between me and Kesey is that he could let go and I can't. I'm still gonna try and make her beautiful I'm going to press my face to the Day-Glo mandalas and CRY I'm going to caress the speakers and microphones and cry I'm going to climb to the top of the bus with my guitar and an American flag, lie there, and cry. Then I'll dry my tears, stroll out and no one will ever know. You guys won't even stop dancing to come and take me. You won't slip poison into my drink so I can dance with you again. You won't even give me good acid. I shouldn't have said that either. Robert Johnson died that way and it gave me bad vibrations and ominous. I don't want to die. But I feel like I'm already dead. God, I'm only sixteen I have so much more life to face and I can't do it alone! I cannot face this alone! Why has everybody left me? Why is there another war? Why does nobody give a damn? I mean, nobody gives a damn about anything, everyone is oblivious and dull and disgusting and they think that way about me just because I'm different and it's not my fault but I don't want to be sane! I don't wanna! Mother don't make me Brother don't hurt me I'm sorry Andy don't leave me Dakota I miss you the way you used to be. Dakota I miss the person you could be. Dakota I miss what you're not and that's my fault not yours or anybody elses and it's not Dean's fault either. God knows why maybe he came back to find Kerouac. Being a wandering soul is an awful lonely life Even if you're Dean Moriarty riding clouds like a comic book menace Driving a truckload of freaks down mountainsides on acid with no brakes in spirit cars. Kerouac is dead too Dean I'm sorry. Maybe you knew, you probably did. Tell me if you find his grave. Ken Kesey put Furthur in the swamp because that was going to be his grave and he was going to sleep there forever but we took it back We must've taken it back for a reason. I feel like, who gives a damn about it anymore? Especially the squares in this life. I guess someone cared. Maybe it was one of the Pranksters come back into another life and he didn't know because Kesey never told him. He's not to blame and I'm glad they found her She was sad down there in the swamp. Her Day-Glo tears cleansed Kesey's soul but he was asleep so he didn't notice. Maybe all the Pranksters aren't dancing. Maybe they all went to sleep and never woke up. They all found each other and went to sleep with peace, together. Oh, my broken broken broken soul! I want nothing more than to curl up next to you and sleep forever. Why didn't I do that while I was still dead? Why did it never cross my mind? I have a generation to save and it might cost me my sanity. I was afraid to say will So take it for what it is. I can't picture doing it without you guys But you're all dead and gone to the grave All sleeping and I don't want to wake you up There's nothing to be happy about anymore. I want you to sleep, my beautiful children. Sleep for a thousand forevers Waking up would break your hearts. I'd hate to see you cry I'd hate to see you feel the sadness I feel right now. You'll never know how broken I am I feel numb but not comfortably numb like I felt that night walking behind Wal-Mart with Sister Christian ringing from the headset Just numb More like I felt curling up in the tube slide in my moms college jacket trying to keep warm listening to Guns 'N Roses Like that but colder. A million degrees colder. I'm not changing the line in that poem It will always say I gave my heart to Andy who was my darling so when I get famous you'll see it and remember me Remember how you promised me we would do mescaline in the desert under the stars together You'll remember how you broke that promise And you'll then know how much it fucking hurt me to my soul that you did. You'll trip with another girl and think of me. Another little beat girl to be your sweetheart Hah, and maybe you'll even listen to Crazy Love one day. Remember when I told you that was our song? I do. I remember hearing it in the car one day turning the corner toward the bank I remember my heart fluttering as I thought of us together. I never even got to say goodbye. Now you know how it feels to be the only person in the entire world Now you know how it feels to be cold Numb Empty
WOW! you wrote this and you are 16? It was so intense, I must say I felt overwhelmed by it, but I dont mean it in a bad way, I think that's the way Im supposed to feel by reading this. It could be a poem, but to me it was like a short story, I remember I had this book of short stories and there was one that was a letter from a son to his mother, it made me think of that (nbt the emotion but the way it's written). I felt so much in the mind of this character (didnt want to use that word, because it feels so personal) that I too felt I was going crazy and I wanted it to change. So good job I say.
OH MY GOD! I'm sitting in an internet cafe. It's 9.22am. The tears are streaming down my face. This is one of the craziest, flowing pieces of genius I have read for a long time. Please write a book. Let me read it, even if you never publish it. You have an astounding talent. The last part of this. The part about your coldness and sorrow and numbness and the song and everything else is so incredibly moving. The tears won't stop. Maybe I'm an EMO Or maybe you are just an amazing talent. A once in a life time type. I love the entire thing. The disconnected but still connected thoughts. The way it flows through beat history. My favourite part though, has gotta be... Thanks for sharing your talent, Peace, A.
You know That's all I ever wanted to do with my life. Move someone. Thank you From the bottom of my heart.
