two new...let me know what you think plllease

Open Tomb

Your sitting in the other room
Im sitting in an open tomb
Its exhausting
Carrying on this way
Ive been trying to get to you
I make a point to see it through
But your hiding in the dark
That consumes your days
And lately
Youve been breaking me down
Making me wish I wasnt around
and Im not sure
How much more I can take
Because your sitting in the other room
Im sitting in an open tomb
And your always to far away


Different

We are
As you will never admit
Completely different people
Two strangers living together
In this place we call a home
I look in all directions
Trying to find something
Anything to hold on to
But our foundation is sinking
And we ourselves are hardly afloat
Ive been trying to see you
In a new light
One that might makes things brighter
But your darkness is overwhelming
And I cannot become accustom
To feeling so alone

 

i like them both a lot. but i think open tomb is my favorite of the two. you're very good keep writing...i enjoy reading

 

Yes She88, very nice work. I agree you are very good. On the second one, Different, I thought you would end with "I cannont become accustomed"...

to the dark! After all the light and saying the darkness was overwhelming... it just seemed to be the next step but your choice is good too.

I may try to think more on Open Tomb... my gut reaction was to flip them... where "I'm sitting in the other room" vs. "you're sitting..." but I'm not sure why... I think it's because I associated tomb with death/dark and the person you have sitting in the room is hiding, not participating... more in a tomb (no air, no movement - although you do say "open" tomb). Oh well, just my initial thoughts, there is probably something I'm not catching on to but I definitely think you need to keep working! Very nice imagery.

 

I'm sorry but I have nothing more constructive to say than that these are both very good. I particularly like the Open Tomb.

Peace,
A.

 

The open tomb seemed (to me) like it was going to go somewhere else.
The "Different" is how more than 50% of marriages end up.

I can relate to the second one.

Nice work.

 

great poems she88. i liked "different" as someone i know is in a relationship just like the one in your poem and it sums it up brilliantly. really nice work

 

thanks i really enjoy reading the feedback it helps improve the poems so much

 

Open Tomb is amazing, they are both good, but really liked the first one.
To me is obvious that is inspired by the same feeling of alienation.
It made me think of having dinner with my dad, sitting on the same table, talking about random things, but I was never really there and who knows where he was...
of course this is just the feeling the poem evokes from my own experience, but still I feel it captures it so well.