Im lost here in this ocean of blue and Theres never much time to be working things through The days pass faster than they seem And I keep moving to the beat of things. Im to young to feel this old To childish to want to grow I baptize myself in my own backyard Searching for a reason to breathe or a sign that might set me free A point of view that might take me home A message that im meant to be alone I look you in the eyes but your avoiding me your the only one who doesnt see I try I do I try
Poetry can be very subjective.... I don't know that I would call this "bland" - but I've made some notes that I hope you will find helpful. Just thoughts as I read it... I tackled it like I would one of my own poems when I'm trying to improve them. *is there a better word for blue... "ocean of blue" is kind of cliche... word "here" is not needed..., perhaps "of blue" can be dropped completely too - we all know the ocean is blue... so we would interpret it as being blue... sad... *you changed the tense: better as "there's never much time to work things through *the word "the" is not needed, I like this idea of days passing so fast... but seems like it could be said differently... maybe something to do with the ocean you mention earlier... days pass in waves ?? not sure, maybe "my days are storm waves crashing on rocks *the word beat makes me think of music... and gets away from the ocean theme/visual you created in the first line, not a bad change...but you would need to tie it in later and you didn't seem to use any other music reference below. word "and" at the beginning is not needed, perhaps just "I keep moving" * I'm too young to feel this old / Too childish to want to grow just corrected "to" with a change to "too" - this is my favorite part of your poem and why I took the time to give you this full blown feedback. * I baptize myself in my own backyard excellent... baptize gets back to the "ocean" theme because it brings to mind water; backyard is good - perfect word here to help with the idea that you "are on your own" and indicates a transition for the poem... * I would use "search" instead of "searching" * I would drop "or" and probably would drop "that might"...and indicate "to set me free" * when you jumped to backyard, the poem got you home - you transitioned your reader to "home", so maybe you shouldn't say point of view to take you home, perhaps"a point of view to show me the way" - again, I would drop "that might" * A message that im meant to be alone here is another transition in the poem, now instead of looking and talking inward - you have introduced another person to us... the reader of your poem... I would probably use "a sign of why I'm alone" * I would probably use "but yours avoid me" when you are talking about look you in the eyes... * just corrected... your to you're... I would drop "only" Please know that I only take time to give this level of feedback when I think a poem is already good! I've pasted it below in case my notes above are difficult to understand so you can see what I did. It still needs something... didn't really like "I keep moving" part - just wasn't sure how to improve on it right at the moment. Just so you know I do sometimes work on a poem off and on over a period of months before I feel it's finished. Anyway, I do like the underlying tone and the message you are building here. Sorry for the long reply.... I know most people, just say "great poem" but I really did want to give some solid feedback - I'm just an old gal with lots of poetry writing and studying years under my belt... have a nice rest of your weekend. I'm lost in this ocean and there's never time to work things through. My days are storm waves crashing the rocks I keep moving, I'm too young to feel this old too childish to want to grow I baptize myself in my own backyard search for a reason to breathe a sign to set me free a point of view to show me the way a sign of why I'm alone I look you in the eyes, but yours avoid me you're the one who doesnt see I try I do I try
