Forsaken By R.N Schulte Her eyes moved across me with ease. They met mine and she looked into them wildly. The fire from the candles danced in her eyes. She walked closer to me, her straight brown hair simmering in the candle light. Her body moved to Cold like she were designed just for this song. Dancing threw the people as if they were nothing but mannequins standing there. A smile flashed across her face and her pearly whites flashed into my eyes. She walked up to the bar behind me and ordered 2 shots of whiskey. "You mind?" she asked holding out the shot for me to grab. "Of course not." I said grabbing the shot and downing it with her. "What’s your name?" She asked after slamming her drink down. "Kevin. And yours?" I asked. "I don’t tell a man my name until at lest 2 shots." She said smiling and ordering 2 more shots. "Again?" she asked, as I agreed ,downing the shot with her. "Hannah." she said walking to the seat on the other side of me. "Crank for short." "Nice name, what is it?" "Latin." she said. Forsaken started playing and she moved into the crowd. Moments later showing at the edge dancing. A tall man walked up to her, his hair jet black and his pants blue. He grabbed her arm and pulled her in front of him.Crank appeared to be arguing with the man and then pointed my way. My heart skipped a beat. Boyfriend. I looked away quickly and ordered another drink. Minutes later I was joined by Crank. She smiled at me and that’s when I noticed her piercing’s. On her lip was a vertical labaret, her ears were gaged and on her nose she had it pierced in the nostril. My eyes wondered up and down her while she drank. She was wearing a tight black dress ,fish nets and combat boots. On her right wrist was a bleeding heart and on her chest was a pentacle. She looked at me again and walked my way. She stopped about a foot away from me. She pulled her head up to mine and then her body followed in a quick motion. Our eyes looked and she went in for a kiss ,but when I moved in too, she pulled her head back with a snap and put her fingers on my lips. Our eyes still locked and that’s when it happened. "What are you doing?" a deep voice asked. "Why does it matter?" Crank replied with a smart mouth. "Because I’m the boss here ,lady." It was the man she was arguing with earlier. "Really?" she said backing away from me. "Because I thought I was." the moment those words left her lips ,her hand flew across his chest and landed on his stomach. He leaned forward from the blow and she pulled his head into her knee. She grabbed my hand and ran out of the bar, grabbing any drink left alone. We finally stopped running when we reached an empty alley. In her hand was an entire bottle of whiskey. She drank at lest a 3rd of it as we caught our breath. With her lips dripping in alcohol, she walked over to one of the brick buildings surrounding us. Acer started knocking on a door that almost blended in with the wall completely. She kicked it with her foot twice and then said "V". With ease, she walked back over to me and grabbed my hand. We reached the door and it opened slowly. Candles filled the room behind the door. A woman stood in front of us. Her hair was dirty blonde and wild. Her eyes were gray and her piercing’s the same as Crank’s. On her chest was a pentagram and she wore a black skin tight dress with hot pink stripes on it. Her combat boots black with hot pink shoelaces. "Bout time you got here." the woman said. "Sorry I was so late, Austin was there and I had to deal with him." "Where are we?" I asked. "Who’s this?" the woman asked, now taking the whiskey from Crank and drinking it. "I’m so sorry, wear are my manners? Kevin, this is Ryann, Ryann, Kevin." Crank said. "Nice to meet you, and your in our flat." Ryann said putting on a fake English accent. "Hannah, babe, Can I talk to you for a moment?" "Sure." she said. They walked over to the other side of the room and I sat down on their couch. When they came back, Ryann said that she need to go find her boyfriend. It was just Crank and I. Or so I thought...
Not bad, pretty decent start... Just watch the grammar/spelling in some areas. Are you planning on posting more? It moved so fast through the beginning I didn't expect it to just end like that.
I hope there will be more, im working on the second chapter right now heres some :::: ::: :: : Crank sat on one end of the couch and I sat on the other. She moved over and sat closer to me, I did the same. She grabbed my hand and laid be out flat. I way on the couch and she was on top of me. Her fingernails going up and down my chest. She leaned into kiss. Our lips a centimeter away and she flings herself off me. She stood up straight and that’s when I noticed it, a cat. "Dominic, baby." Hannah said picking up the cat and petting it. "Go outside will you?" She walked back over to me and passed me up. She turned on the radio and System began to play. Her body moved in and out of the shadows in the room. She pulled me off the couch and began to dance around me in a seductive way. She grabbed me by the neck and pulled me close to her face. Our eyes locked, she tried to kiss my lips, but then kissed my neck. She began to suck on it. A hicky began to form, I could feel it. I kissed her neck back and gave her a hicky too. I guess she was more of a neck kinda gal than a lips one. She whispered into my ear: "Do you wanna live forever?" "If it means I can keep you, then yeah." I replied. "You ready for it?" she said licking my neck. "For what?" I asked getting millimeters away from her lips. She grabbed me by the neck and I looked into her eyes. They were like black nothingness. She smiled. And she also had fangs! "Do you believe in vampires?" she asked gripping tighter onto my neck. "Doesn’t every little boy?" I replied back. " Baby ,I’m gonna take you so high, your never gonna wanna come back down. Hold on for the ride." she said ,her voice getting hoarse.
It needs less white space in the title area, and smaller font. Otherwise, the piece does grab the reader, make her/him wonder where the piece is going next. Should we expect character development? sex? a brawl? All of the above?
Watch for grammar and punctuation... Something I noticed... You go into vivid detail when describing piercings, but you don't do much to describe the setting, emotions, the feel of the air in the room. I'm much more interested to know what the narrarator (whom doesn't seem to have much personality so far) is thinking than whether the 'vampire' girl's ears are gauged. It's not a bad story. But it's not the kind of story that can be told in such a matter-of-fact manner without the reader getting bored. Give us some symbolism, work a few metaphors in here and there. Draw us a picture of the narrarator's surroundings and emotions. You've got a decent base for a story here. Just work with it, and don't give up on it.
