My reaction to a friend's 'coming out'

I've just found out my best friend is lesbian or bisexual, has been for 3 years, but it came from someone else and not her (an ex of hers we met up with in a bar unaware I didn't know). I feel hurt she didn't tell me, and how long it's been. (Although maybe introducing us was her way of telling me?)

We've been close mates for 10 years although we don't live in each other's pockets and have many separate friends (especially my friend who's a party animal). It seems obvious now, she'd told me about sexual experiences with girls and a teenage fling she had but I had no idea she was having proper relationships and just thought she was adventurous. She had a relationship for a year with one girl! I can't belive she hid that from me! She has bene making more and more gay friends so I should have guessed. I have always been open minded and had a drink with her gay friends so it's not that, she said it's because she was worried I'd tell my boyfriend and he might tell his mates who are old school mates of hers. i guess she's a bit confused about it still too.

I want to be supportive and I know it's about her and not me, but I can't help feel sad she didn't trust me (she told another friend years ago). She seemed to struggle finding the right words so I just hugged her and told her she can tell me it all in her own time if she wants. I guess I should leave it for her to approach the subject now, and just get back to the way we were, normal friendship stuff. Trouble is, I'm not sure how because I just feel like I don't really know her and we haven't been close at all. Any comments appreciated! Thanks.

 

Well, I can't say I've experienced 'coming out' from your side. I guess it must be a little depressing to hear it from someone else. I think her ex is a bit of a douchebag for telling you that. I'm sure she would have told you in time and if it were me I'd want to be the one to tell people I'm gay and not have them hear it on the grapevine.

I guess I can only give some insight on what her perspective might have been. Before telling anyone my biggest fear was losing my friends. This seems to be a big fear for anybody who's struggling with their sexuality and often times it can be a bit overblown. I'm not saying it doesn't happen (losing friends) but often times friends are very supportive and that never really clicks until after being out. Sometimes it clicks right after coming out and sometimes it takes a little while. She was probably afraid of losing you. I know I was afraid of that before I came out and the struggle was driving me closer and closer to suicide. The last thing I wanted though was to have anyone else tell my friends and it could be the same with her. It may have taken her some time but I think she would have told you on her own if her ex didn't already.

Finally, after my best friend knew I was afraid that there would be some distance but it was the complete opposite. We talked about things that I had never imagined I'd tell anybody. It was completely life changing. I've never felt closer to anybody despite hiding who I was from him all that time. Don't be afraid to talk about it with her. You might be surprised how much closer you'll be now that you know.

I know it's still hard to think about her as a close friend because she never told you and her being a lesbian or bi might not seem like a big deal but having loved ones find out about it is one of the hardest things she's ever dealt with in life and having someone else 'out' you can be a particularly distressing event.

I hope this post instills a little more comfort in your friendship. I hope it all works out well between the two of you.

 

Thanks Slickypants,
I know I shouldn't forget that this must be much harder for her than it is for me. I want her to know I am there if she wants to talk about it, but I think she may not want me bombarding her with too many questions (such as are you telling ur family) because it sounds like she is still in a stage where she wants it very private, plus she thinks it is a phase and she will end up with a hubby and kids. Maybe she's slightly in denial about being gay/bi, or maybe she's right and it's just a phase. I think i will just say I'm here if you want to talk, but if you don't rihgt now that's fine too.