post your funniest joke

tell me a joke you heard that made you laugh till you pissed your pants

 

It wasnt so funny that i pissed myself but...

2 pretzels were walking down the street and one got asSALTed. HAHA

 

what's the number one cause of pedophilia?
sexy children

 

lol

 

A young girl ran into her house and yelled to her mother to get some apple cider.
Confused, her mother asked why.
"I cut my hand on a big thorn and it really hurts," the girl replied.
Still puzzled, her mother got the cider from the fridge and asked her daughter why she thought it would help.
"I learned it from my big sister," the girl said. "I heard her say that when she gets a big prick in her hand she can't wait to get it in cider."

 

^ lol

what do you call a mexican baby getting baptized?

bean dip

 

A therapist decides to throw a party, so he tells all the people who come to dress up as an emotion.

The first guest arrives dressed in green. The therapist says. "Yeah o.k., envy, thats a good one."

The next guest arrives wearing all red. "Oh I see, anger"

The doorbell rings a thrid time, and when the therapist opens the door, There stand two naked dudes. One has a pear with a hole in it being penetrated by his penis, the other is holding a bowl of custard, and has his penis just laid out in the custard. The therapist says. "Yeah o.k., I don't see what your supposed to be. Why dont you tell me?"
The first guy says "I'm fuckin' Dis Custad" and the other says "I'm deep in dis' pair"

 

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns


this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the
tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.


Trunk is opened; no body.


Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

what did the sushi say to the bee?

wasabi

 

why did the baby cross the road?


it was stapled to the chicken.

 

nok nok
whos dere?
peekab
peekab who?

lulz u sed peekaboo

 

what do you call a black priest?
HOLY SHIT

 

A spic, ******, and white guy find a genie while walking and they are all granted one wish

the spic asks for all of his mexican friends be happy, gainfully emplyed in mexico. oof: All of the mexicans are back, happy in Mexico.

The ****** wished for all of his African-American friends be happy back in Africa. oof: All the Africans were happy in Africa again

the white guy asked to the genie, "so... all of the spics and niggers are out of america?"

The genie simply replied, "yes"

The white guy replied to the genie, "well in that case... I'll have a coke"

 

haha awesome movieeee

 

A guy goes into a pharmacy and goes up to the pharmacist behind the counter...

"I need to buy a bunch of condoms for my 12 year old daughter"

"You're daughter is 12 years old and shes sexually active???????"

"Nah....she just lays there like her mother"



i thought it was the funniest thing ever

 

johnny is bringin his pet frog to show and tell. he crosses the road wen his frog jumps out of the box and a truck runs him over. johnny gets to school and the teacher asks wut he has to show. he says his frog got his ass ran over by a truck on the way to school. the teacher says Johnny u kno the correct word is rectum. he says rectum it fuckin killed him.

 

a cowboy and his horse were out n tha wilderness walkin around for dayz, when tha cowboy gets an urge to bust a nut. he thinks and think what he should do. so he hops offa his horse and piles up some rocks behind tha horse, but tha horse wasnt havin it and walked forward a bit. tha cowboy was like fuck! so he pushed tha rocks up to tha horse again and that damn horrse moved AGAIN! well tha cowboy said fuck it and got back on his horse. as they got deeper n tha woods they saw a b-e-autiful woman naked and tied up to a tree, tha woman said kind sir if u release me from this tree i will do ANYTHING for u. tha cowboy was like anything?? and she replied ANYTHING! so he took out his knife and cut tha ropes.. tha woman was so grateful she thanked tha cowboy and said now what would u like for me to do... and tha cowboy said would u mind holding my horse...

 

How was copper wire invented?


2 Jews were fighting over a penny!

 

theres this man, hes 60 and on hes on his deathbed, hes going to die anyday now

so hes sitting there in despair, when he smells this WONDERFUL smell, its his favorite cookies! he thinks "wow my wife must love me sooo much making me these cookies!" so he crawls out of bed, and slides his way to the kitchen, where he sees the delicious cookies, and when he reached towards them, she slaps his hand away and yells "Those Are For The Funeral!"

haha

 

theres this boy, who comes from a REALLY rich family.
on his 16th birthday, his father tells him he will get him whatever he wants, ANYTHING!
so the boy goes "father, i want a pink golfball"
so after weeks of trying to convince him otherwise, he doesnt change his mind, so his dad reluctantly gets him the golfball.

when the boy turns 18, his dad figures hes much more mature and this time he'll give him whatever he wants, ANYTHING!
so the son asks for a bucket of pink golfballs
and the dad flips out, and trys to convince him otherwise, but it just doesnt work, so the boy gets the bucket of pink golfballs

Now, the boy is 18, and the father thinks he has grown old enough to finally be able to choose whatever he wants, even a house! ANYTHING!
the boy says "dad, i want a swimming pool, filled with pink golfballs"
there still isnt any convincing him!
so he gets the pool full of golfballs

now, at the age of 19, the boy gets in a horrible accident, and hes got moments to live, the father rushes in and asks him "son, after all these years, ive been dying to know, why have you wanted pink golfballs?"
the son lifts his arm into his fathers hand and whispers "dad...all these years....ive asked for those....golfballs...because....."

BEEEEEP, the boy dies.