stressed out and at my wits end

oh boy, today was one bad day.
On the way home from the hospital, we got stopped by the cops and got a ticket for our car seat....turns out the seat belt doesn't stop fast enough and it's not a safe car for a family. We only have one avaliable seat in our car for a car seat, and that's not going to work with having 2 kids.....but somehow we need to buy a car with all our "oddles" of money (extreem sarcasm, we have been eating veggie soup every night because we can't afford to eat right now)

THEN, when we got home, our landlord stopped us and told us that leane's screaming is too loud. Our neighbors have been banging on their roof (our floor) for the last few months now, and so far the landlord has been on our side, since Leane is young and all, and this is a family building. But now, she said that we need to start looking for a new place. I don't know what to do! Right now in Alberta, there is this pathetically high property cost (shitty 1 bedroom apartments are going for $1200/month). We have a 3 bedroom for only $725, so we wanted to stay here until we finished university, which isn't for another 5 years yet. And with me being in college, I am funded through the government, which is nice...but it's only $1300 I get for all of us to live off of. We're only allowed to make $120 on top of that, and if it's anymore, we get audited and have to pay it all back.

As for Leane, I am stumped. When anyone tells her that she can't have something or can't do something (for example, she pushes the kitchen chairs up to the cupboards and gets into the dishes, etc, and I'm scared as shit that she's going to have glass fall on her or something), she screams and stomps her feet. I'm not talking a mild scream here, I mean to the point where she goes purple. Apparently 2 of our neighbors have asked the landlord if they should call social services. I am so embarassed and stuck! I don't know what to do. When I put the chairs back, for example, she stomps, screams and hits me. Then the neighbors proceed to bang on the roof. I tried to plead my case to my landlord, and she kind of lent a sympathetic ear, but she's taking the side of the other people in the building now.

If anyone has any advice or anything, that would be great....right now, however, I am thinking I'm going to crawl into a hole and whither away...

 

What do you do when she throws fits like that?

 

at this point, what we were trying to do was time out. She goes there for 3 minutes....it was working for a while, now she slowly walks out of time out once we put her there, screaming her head off.
dad gives her a wak on the bum. I haven't done that, since she's always hitting me...but at the same time, she always listens to him. never to me.
when I try to reason with her and just talk to her, she doesn't look at me, turns her head away, fiddles with her clothes, etc.
The screaming thing doesn't stop. Heck, when I put her into the car, she screams, when I take her out, she screams, when it's supper time, she screams, when it's bath time, she screams....always screaming.
I'm just confused. I have tried time out, and nothing, I have tried talking to her, nothing...the only thing that seems to work is when I ignore her and she gets bored....but that's when she throws the biggest tantrum (for only a couple minutes, though), but the neighbors won't put up with it.

 

Try doing this. When she starts to scream make her look at you even if you have to hold her and force her. But make her focus on you and what you have to say. At 2 time out really is going to work. Do you ever give in when she throws fits? Also about the car things contact local churches and places like that they might be able to help you get into a better car. I know around here there are churches that do that and the fire department can get people who can't afford car seat brand new or slightly used car seats. Also have you looked into renting a house instead of apartments. I know sometime if you find an individual renting a house them will work with you on rent and other costs.

 

ummm...ya,
it's out car that needs to be replaced, our car seat is brand new.
As for the housing thing, I have been looking into it...the average 1-2 bedroom house here is $1700/month and up, with utilities on top of that.
corp,
sadily, with the rental market, no one is going to do anything. It's sad out here right now, and landlords can evict people with no cause. It's this has been a problem for the last 7-8 months now around Alberta, and the government is doing dick-all to help. The homeless population here is outragous, to the point where there's actually a place called "tent city" in downtown edmonton with normal, average, working families living there because no one can afford to live.

 

oh, and yeah, I have given in with the time outs due to the neighbors banging. When I try to stick with it, it usually results in knocing on the floor and the landlord telling us we're too loud.

 

What kind of car do you have? Perhaps you could get the back seat replaced for cheaper than it would be to get a new car.

 

I meant contact churches for a new car. They can help with that sometimes or they can loan you a car for the time being. They can also help with housing too.


Like a said before when she starts to throw a fit force her to focus on you what you are saying. Tell her that yelling and screaming will not get her what she wants and that if she keeps doing it you will start taking things that she likes away. I find little kids respond well to that because they love their toys and their stuff.

 

yeah, there is...but landlords have been finding loopholes lately. The government actually passed a bill that said landlords couldn't raise rent more than once/year now, and that they had to give one year eviction notice, but there have been loopholes everywhere with that too, and they're still getting away with it. There have been rallies and protests going on here, and the premier basically told us to shove it up our asses.

As for the car thing...here's some more loverly news....tonight hubby found a huge puddle of coolant under the engine. Our car is really old (a 1985 cutlass supreme oldsmobile), and to get the belts replaced would run us about the same as buying say, a 2000 dodge neon (that would be about 500 X better on gas), which is what my dad told me tonight (a mechanic).

ummm...ya,
tonight i tried to take her and actually talk to her...it was tough. She ran away, and when I was able to catch up to her, and hold her arms so that I could talk with her, she turned noodle like, then slammed her head on the floor.... she then got up, screamed, smacked me and ran.....no wonder the neighbors wanted to call social services, it sounds like we're the most disfunctional family in our town...

 

Wow, I'm sorry that she is being difficult. But you are getting really close to the terrible 2's. could you ask to move to a lower level apartment?

 

yeah, tell me about it.
I actually typed in a thing on google about temper tantrums, and a bunch of stuff on autism came up....she has about 75-85% of the symtoms. Now I'm really scared.

We were wondering about the lower apartment thing, but since there have been other complaints throughout the whole building, the landlord was really hesitant. We actually used to live in the basement (in a 1 bedroom) before we moved up here, and everything seemed ok down there, but that was before a lot of this started.
Right now, we have been looking into other apartments around here. Tonight, I am somewhat happy to say, that I found a place that's only 3 years old, 5 appliances, and is close to all the shopping centers and still in this area. It's $995 rent, and we're loosing a bedroom (it's a 2 bedroom), but we gotta do what we gotta do. Our lease isn't up until Febuary, so I don't think she can do anything about telling us to leave until then, can she?

 

Most coolant leaks are easy fixes--either a small hole that can be remedied by running a $5 bottle of Bar Leak through the system, or a loose hose connection that can be fixed by, well, tightening it. Unless you've got a cracked radiator. What does the coolant leak have to do with replacing your belts?

Geez, I'm so sorry to hear about all the insanity you're going through right now. I wish I could help.

 

ohhh, the seat belts i was talking about. The one side that we would be putting our new baby on has a broken seat belt.

 

I was talking with my mom this morning, and the only thing she told me was that life never gives you anything it doesn't think you can handle. Right now I'm really giving "life" a confused look and the middle finger, but I suppose that there may be some truth to it.
what kinda sucks now is that our anniversary is on Tuesday and my birthday is on Friday, and Cody was gunna take me out to the cheap theatre in town. Now all the money is spent on the car It's a stupid and trivial thing to be sad about, but it sucks, ya know?

 

It is really way too early to even think Autism. Don't scare yourself and if you are worried take her to a psychologist not your general physician. You will know that the psychologist is a good one when they tell you that they will have to meet with you and your little girl a few times before they can determine anything. But like I said before it's too early to worry about that. Talk to you landlord and see if you could move into a lower apartment for the remainder of your lease. She can't kick you out while you are still under the lease agreement. I hope things start getting better for you soon.

 

I'm so sorry, it sounds so stressful. My son was 3, but the only way time out worked for us was to strap him in his carseat in the car for it. I sat right outside the car (it wasn't hot here) and waited until his tantrum passed. This might help with the tantrums in the house. I only had to strap him in a few times and it worked miracles. Like I said in the other thread, he became another kid right before the baby was born. I was in tears one day at a birthday party because I could not believe how out of control he was acting. I was just going to take him home because of it, when my friend mentioned doing time out in his carseat. After his three minutes in the seat, he was able to stay and play nicely for the next 3 hours of the party!! Of course, he is a little older so he understood. Are you on any kind of lease? It would not seem legal to be able to evict do to a child...I'd seek legal aide just for some advice on this. It sounds like you have a great deal on a rental, so I'd try to keep it if you can find a way. Good luck and hang in there!

 

Bars leak is an alright temporary fix, but it isn't really good for the engine. The first thing I would do is fill the car with regular water and start it up. Pop the hood and look around at all the hoses and around the radiator area, try to locate the excact location of the leak. If it is a hose, easy fix. Just make sure the radiator has fluid every time you drive. If your car overheats, you have the chance of doing something very bad to the engine. I had a small pinhole leak around the water neck of an engine I just rebuilt. My truck overheated one time, and I ended up blowing my head gaskets. Granted the head gaskets were $15 a peice, it is a time consuming project, and if it's a car you need to drive daily......
The seat belt sound like a trip to a junk yard to me. Or possibly an internet item. Cars aren't hard to work on, every thing I do when I work on my cars is self taught, because I am way to poor to afford the mechanic. Around here you can get seatbelt from the junkyard for around $10. Install them yourself and whala... cheap fix. Same for the coolant leak. I wouldn't put actual antifreeze in the car untill you get it fixed, unless it's going to freeze. Water will do just fine.
The shortage of cash isn't an easy fix. What you guys need to do is just win the lottery or rob a bank. Just kidding. You just need to find some sort of job that will pay you under the table, cash. Hard to find sometimes, but I do it all the time to help make ends meet.

 

I second this. We were about to lose our benefits because I made $150 a week!! That's ridiculous. So, I took a job that pays cash and we got to keep it.

Have you started selling your wares on ebay or etsy? Maybe you should look into that. Or babysit, or something...

 

Try more outside time? Exhaust her so she doesn't have any energy at the end of the day. Also try redirecting instead of saying no- things like "Oh wow! Look at that!" Big dramatic pause and stare off in some other direction with your mouth wide open, meanwhile gently prying her away from whatever she's doing that she can't do. "Do you see that bird on the telephone wire? See, isn't he amazing, he has wings AND a beak. Hey let's go color."

 

*big, gigantic, warm and fuzzy hug* Wowza... That is a really tough situation to be in, especially when you are pregnant! *more hugs*

I don't really know what to say about the difficulties you are having with Leane. I'd agree with a previous poster and say that you shouldn't be too hasty to think about autism... Yeah, it's better to catch it early, but I'd also be leary about pushing her into a diagnoses that isn't correct because of stressful times. And that might be the issue... Maybe she is picking up on the stress in your lives. She could be acting out because of the impending baby, the uncomfortable vibes coming from you and Cody due to financial stuff, the less than welcoming environment(with the ass-ish neighbors)... Maybe everything that is going on right now is too much for her to cope with.

As far as trying to solve the tantrum problem, that is a tough place to be. There are obviously differences between the way that you and Cody handle her, and that could be causing problems... Lack of consistency. I started out not wanting to use "physical punishment" with Leo when he was younger, and came to realize that spanking in combination with other things was the only method that worked for us. I'm not advocating that you beat her when she is misbehaving, but a good swat on the toosh could be just what she needs to get it into her head that A- You are being dead serious when you say something; B- What she is doing HAS gotten your attention; and C- That her behavior is unnacceptable. When she has that pause of surprise after the swat(which Leo has every time, because I don't spank him often) you can take that quiet time where she is thinking about what just happened and explain to her why she got a swat, what you expect to change, and that you still love her. Mindless spanking I am totally against, but some situations definitely warrant it in my opinion. I don't think it perpetuates violence... I think kids are smart enough to understand that you aren't doing it to be mean, you are doing it to get your point across.

You might not be ready to consider a change in your parenting strategy... It's hard to weigh the pros and cons of such things because every situation is different. But it seems to me like Leane has learned to take advantage of your uncertainties. And that has put her in a position of power over you, and you are less respected. She doesn't have the mental capacity right now to be the one doling out reprimands and spankings(screaming at you and salpping you), but she is doing it... You on the other hand understand when it is appropriate to do so.

Finding a place to stay amidst pregnancy, school, and parenting has got to be tough... I hope the place that you are looking at turns out to be something that works for you. And I'm sorry you are facing trouble with your car... That really sucks, especially when it isn't worth enough to trade in for something better.

I know a couple of ways to make some extra cash that you can do from home... I did it for a while, and still do it occassionally when I want or need a little extra money. There is potential to make A LOT of money doing it, but it totally depends on you and what you are willing to put into it. It's definitely not for everybody, and it's something you would probably need to talk to Cody about, but it might allow you enough extra to take care of a emergency stuff like the seat belt and whatnot. PM me if you want to know.

Oh... And some more stuff that might help with Leane...

There are supplements that are *super* cheap that might help improve her attitude, and make it easier for her to cope with life. Magnesium is a mineral that almost everyone is deficient in, and it is a HUGE mood regulator... It helps with the regulation of your nervous system. I just recently started giving it to Leo, and it has helped with his edginess in a big way. I started using a drink mix, which he really likes... It's called NaturalCalm... They have a kids version, but Leo gets the grown up stuff... Left-overs my mom gave me. I am dreading running out! I'll most likely end up getting more because it seems to help so much.
Adding omega3 to a kid's diet is supposed to help... Leo has ALWAYS gotten it through flax... I don't know how he is without it, so I can't comment on it's effectiveness.
Some herbal stuff that works wonders... Catnip, lemon balm, and chamomile. All three of them are mild sedatives(sounds creepy, but it's not) and are perfectly safe to take every day even for little kids. Leo gets a nice warm cup of STRONG tea when he is being a real terror, and it helps a lot. He really likes the taste, and thinks he is getting something special... He says it makes him feel better when he drinks it.

I hope everything starts looking up for you... Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking about you and sending calming vibes.