Uncertainty and no control

You feel like you're putting all this effort into completely changing your life around to make the relationship work while he barely has to lift a finger?

 

control, is one of those things like 'understanding' that are largely mythological beyond the realm of relatively simple mechanical objects, and even they, tend to be somewhat less then 100% reliable.

being held responsible for things we are prohibited from even effectively influencing IS an absurd injustice. one i will never understand the rationelle for nor of.

but our values and priorities, even if we try to ignore them, those we ARE responsible for, along with the kinds of markets and incentives they collectively create.

=^^=
.../\...

 

I feel for you. I'd be scared shitless too. Not only are you getting married, your moving to another state away from your family and friends. There is so much uncertainty however that's all part of the journey. Something wonderful will come of this or something learned, possibly both.

The sacrifices you are making today could come back to you once you are settled. Do you think your other half isn't in a position just yet to give up everything but once his duty is done he'll be able to comprimise much more? Is he willing?

Big Hugs to You. If you need to talk to me I'm all ears. :bigear:

 

i don't know how i managed it, being a homebody and creature of comfort, but for some reason i'm a fly by the seat of my pants kinda person. i do always manage to land on my feet, and come up smelling like a rose. mind you, i might have a few bruises, some scrapes and scratches. but there's something about coming up off a nasty tumble that brings out your best shit eating grin.

 

Deep, deep breath...

 

Thank you *HUGS* No, he really is sacrificing and is the most wonderful guy in the world. I was just really scared and couldn't articulate my feelings. I think I was testing my security in the relationship. I need to stop doing that, but can't in a long distance relationship. Even my mom, who has always been on my side in past relationships thinks I am being crazy. So, I am moving up there on Monday because the distance is making me insecure and moody and all that stuff I hate.
I also need to stop thinking I am the queen of the universe just because I am moving there. I mean I am in love, with a great guy who makes sacrifices for me and would move here if he could. I'm moving there because I want to move there and I need to remember that.
This is just the first time I've 'really' been in love and it's tough. I think I am realizing it's time for me to stop pushing and then clinging really bad. He deserves better and I deserve to be better for myself as well.

 

i feel you.... i had a good cry today actually.

 

Hey I wrote a paper on this exact topic, uncertainty management, for a stress management class. This thread made me think of it right away because a lot of the stuff you are expressing here was addressed in it. One of the things I learned and what helped me out in life was that a lack of uncertainty management skills can cause some serious anxiety disorders. I'm not trying to psychoanalyze you, but I remember in another thread you mentioned taking SSRIs for anxiety. Ive been there. The drugs can help but also know that its also something you can fix cognitively, by learning to change the way you think. And also, if you are having internal conflicts its going to put strain on relationships.

 

Thank you so much for this post. I do have PTSD, which causes a shit load of anxiety. It dissepates when I am physically with my fiancee though. I have very little anxiety when I am with him. I still have control issues, but they are issues with me controling myself. I never try to control him but I do go on cleaning binges or will isolate myself-anything to feel like I am in control of myself. When I just relax and give it all to him I feel so much better though. I need to learn how to do that more. He's really calm and stable minded, which is great for me.

 

And whoa KC! hubba muthafuckin hubba!

 

Well Im glad you found someone that helps you feel less anxious, but I personally think that you should use that time to also enrichen yourself so that you will feel better alone too. I'm not asking you to tell me or anyone else here, but think about if you can pinpoint what is causing the anxiety and also why him being there helps. For example is he a distraction from the anxiety or is he actually diminishing it?

Cleaning binges and isolation could be associated with mania and depression, or even bipolar disorder. But I think that sharp moods leads to brilliance, enlightenment, and clean houses, the drugs you are taking can cause both extreme mania and depression, and for the most part bipolar disorder is bullshit.

You're going to be just fine. All you need to do is learn to love yourself a little more, trust yourself a little more, and worry less about things you cannot control. If you ever need someone to talk to send me a PM.

Also do you smoke cannabis? Fantastic mood stabilizer, as well as helpful with acute anxiety in low doses, and comulsive thinking. Higher doses that are more psychedelic can induce anxiety but it will also help you learn how to deal with it.

 

Precisely my favorite moments in life.

 

I quit smoking pot about three weeks ago-ish? It was a great mood stabalizer, but I am moving in with my fiancee and wouldn't want to bring it into his house and put him at risk considering it's a felony in the state he lives in.
I've been carefuly screened for bipolar and don't have it. I was very mentally healthy, secure and stable until I expereinced a trauma in my life. I also don't have deep depresions or any risky manic behaviors like having lots of sexual partners and such. I think I am honestly really traumatized over everything that happened still and I have a hard time admitting it because I would like to convince myself I am a strong enough person and have enough faith to forgive and heal myself.
My fiancee really is great. He does honestly help me and isn't just providing temporary comfort. I love him for who he is, but how secure he makes me feel at times is what really made me want to marry him so quickly.
Thank you for your post. It feels better 'talking' it out.

 

What state is that??? I dont know of any states where it is a felony for personal possession. Also I wasnt saying you are bipolar, like I said I think that title is put on way too many people. I'm just saying those are bipolar moods and its really something you can help yourself with. BTW I dont know what happened to you, but trauma can certainly cause some shit like that. Traumatic experiences have caused me to question my sanity a time or two. I wish the best for you, and I'm sure you will be just fine.

 

Nevada. You're right they changed the laws in 2001, but it's still a misdemeanor unlike California (where I live now) where it is a ticket if it's under an ounce. Regardless if I did get caught my fiancee could lose his job if it was found in his home or if we were married. Not to mention it would be embarassing for him. He said it's okay because he does know about my insomnia and panic attacks and such, but I just don't even want to go there and potentially get him in trouble at work. Even though it the social stigma attached to it is undeserved, it is still there and because of that I feel really guilty when i smoke it. I wish I could be like 'ah fuck it I know it's not bad', but I can't.
I just hope it dissapates and I can get back to being my old self again. It has gotten progressivley better. I developed an idenity disorder for awhile there and that was a trip...thank god I don't have to deal with that anymore.