Two years ago I was seriously depressed. I went to one of my very good friends, Baxter, who was also depressed and we talked about things. He made me feel better at the time. When he got a girlfriend, I stopped going to see him, even though I was still depressed. I tried to deal with things by myself, getting into drugs and alcohol, which always made everything worse. I did it with my "friends". I thought it helped. Then this guy I knew from down the street came into my life. We started dating and he tried to help me. I still drank, I still did other drugs even though he didnt approve of it. I would always lie to him and tell him I wasnt getting fucked up when I was. I ended up cheating on him one night while I was drunk. He almost left me but we worked things out. He didnt want to be lied to any more, he didnt want me to drink unless he was around, he wanted me to stand up to my friends and not do something if I didnt want to. I agreed. The more I stopped drinking and partying with my "friends" the less they wanted to be around me. I became healthier and happier not doing that shit all of the time, not being around people who brought me down, and not being around the guy who used to help me. My boyfriend and I have been together over a year and he still pulls me together when I need it. Lately, though, its been getting to me. My "friends" were old friends elementary school and basically my only friends. Now I only really hang out with my boyfriend, my best friend (who is also an old friend, but too cool to ditch me for stupid shit), and my cats. I'm shy so new friends is a hard thing. I know its stupid and childish but it hurts to have no friends. It also makes me sad when I think about what I put my boyfriend through. He didnt deserve any of it and I keep thinking that he cant ever love me like he used to because of the things I've done to him. I've changed and he knows it but he cant ever trust me. We can't ever look back at the beginning of our relationship and smile because all of it was so awful. I feel like I've ruined our relationship even though we're happy now. Well thats all. Thank you for reading if you did and if no one reads this at least I feel better for getting it off my chest. I'm not going to say leave advice because I think it'll work itself out but if you have advice or anything it would be greatly appreciated. These thoughts will probably go away but its just been one of those days...
A snake does not regret shedding it's old skin. My school days are in the distant past. I loved those people that I shared those days with, but they have all faded away with time and now I have new friends. Love things enough to let them go when the times comes. There is nothing but sadness in trying to hold on to them. x
