Confused... And very very very unusual. (Warning not pleasant subject).

Some of the things I can relate to... Seem scarily familiar, yet I seem like a very unusual type. And yes the dreams, I had the wretched dreams, though mine go more around genetics, and... Surgery... I sound so extreme I know.
I sometimes feel like I was doomed to failure, and screwed at birth, like they never was any hope for me. I'm a highly misunderstood conflicted person. While I noticed people saying similar things, to what I felt, and sometimes being deeply frightened by what I hear of peoples emotional states, when these problems are never... Fixed? Causes me deep fear.

Yet I am odd. I am a obsessive compulsive, passive aggressive autistic androgynous male, with little to no self confidence, who is deeply afraid of the world. Now I don't mean the word 'weird' degradingly, really weird being an insulting words just that... Odd, but I make some people here look normal by comparision. Yes I alternate between dysphoria, and actually feeling decent at times, thing is I have warped views on gender, and gender identity. I'm impatient, I hate taking things slow, I am highly anti-social, and have such an extreme level of shyness, anything social is a huge challenge for me.

I don't know why some people even want to be male, yet obviously people such as FTM transsexuals, certainly make it obvious some definitely do. Being males an... Annoyance, and inconvenience to me. And gender pronouns of any sort annoy me, I also sometimes get annoyed at not having a sexless name. As for the entire MTF thingy well... What if you don't associate gender identity, with clothing? What if you tire of clothing being assinged a certain gender to it?

And as for make up. It's not permanent enough, not fast enough, I am too impatient for it, it's only temporary, and surgery seems to have much stronger results. Plus it isn't 'safe' socially, and it looks unnatural, and it's pretty hard to come up with a good non-suspicious excuse for wearing it. That and I don't want to feed the view, of what one wears, with having a specific gender. I also thought a great deal about mannerisms, is there such thing as neutral mannersisms? I'm just, scared of being seen as different, or atypical, or unusual, and risking ridicule. I thought about certain things, but I'm afraid of doing them, because I am afraid of people thinking I may be transgendered. I've badly wanted electrolysis, and surgery to make my Adam's apple smaller (mines already significantly smaller than the average male, but not invisible), but I don't know how to get such without people thinking I am transgendered.

I don't know how it is most males can live with their facial hair, my temper can get... Well it has gotten dangerously bad a few times, when I was rushed out of the house so fast, I couldn't shave it all off. I have an extremely bad temper when I get stubble, when my parents act proud of it I only get even more annoyed, I used to be calm, very calm, but it's driving me mad, I can't stay emotionally stable when I have that stuff on my face, I can't bear looking at myself, or touching my face, and just want to be left alone, anyone who looks at it, or especially touches it, can make me very very angry.

I deeply tire of being seen as just a 'normal' guy, who looks weak at times, sometimes it is a deep annoyance, how hard it is for people to understand me.

I spend half of my time, seemingly very cold with next to no emotions, like when I am outside of my room, or especially in public, sometimes acting exagguratedly rough, and hostile, yet I frequently cry when I go to sleep, when I am alone, and nobody can hear or see me. I sometimes feel like an empty shell, who is only halfway left, and has no chance in this society. I feel like a different person at times, halfway between my extremely rough, almost emotionless half, which protects me, wakes up when I feel angry, or scared, and is the only thing protecting my softer side, and the half of me which got mocked, and bullied all the way through school.

I also feel frequently irritated in public, people always seem curious about my gender, and it annoys me, because I feel like I can't show anything feminine, if someone already knows I'm male, I don't want to be bullied, and mocked all over again, or possibly worse.

I don't want people knowing I am male, because the second they find out, I feel like I lost all my freedoms, and I am scared of being seen as odd, atypical, disturbing or worse. My stepfather is somewhat understanding, and the most accepting person I know, but he thinks it is ridiculous I feel rage at people, for trying to figure my gender out. He knows that my personality, fluxuates though very very few know how extreme they are.

How feminine can I go, and still be accepted as a male?... But I am still bothered by the second part at times, and... I just don't know how to feel about pronouns. I'm so worried about being strictly technical. People also frustrate me in general, if I make Elton John look even remotely masculine by comparision, I feel like a freak. Sometimes I worry I may be more extreme than I wish I was, I feel like I have a really really screwed up head right now.

I remember I one time noted, I am still more physically feminine than the average male, and desperately hoped my genetics would be extreme enough, to naturally not need any help... Stupid stubble came, and screwed that up. Am I weak willed? Am I an denial? Am I warped, and insane? Whats going on with me?

But if people know my genes... I lose all my freedoms, to look however I want and such. I still don't know what to do, how to do it, and am not quite sure whats exactly wrong with me. I sometimes wanted to get in an accident, in which I miraculously am undamaged in any other way, only all my facial hair /etc/ was shocked off, and... A certain part was rendered unfunctional. Thats of course extremely unrealisticaly, and I babbled on for a really really long time uh... What would everyone have to say of this?

 

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As for the physical changes you mentioned - electrolosis, adams apple, etc. Those are all procedures that you can get if your trans or not. Many guys have such light or fine facial hair that if you got yours lasered or zapped off nobody would even think about it. They would probably just think your really great a shaving.

It sounds like the real issue your dealing with is your obsession with what you believe other people are thinking about you. I know this well as early in my transistion I delt with that also including social isolation, social phobia, ocd, and general anxiety. One day I came to the realization that whatever I am is really not that important to everyone else. People are generally so caught up in their own little world on a day to day basis that most of them wont even consider what your doing or even care for that matter. If something doesn't directly effect someone else's life it tends to be nothing more of an afterthought. Sure they may look at you but two seconds from then they will be thinking about whatever THEY want to do next. The only advise I can give you is try to find a way to not care what other people think. Most people are stupid anyway so who cares what there little opinion is of you? Or continue to be miserable and paranoid - tried that for years and it didn't work for me.

 

I know I'm responding to your thread a little late. I see you wrote it sometime last year. But I wanted to thank you for writing it for I am not much of a writer myself but feel ALL the things you are feeling. When I say ALL I mean ALL. You really just told my story and how Ive been feeling inside over the past few years
Our situation is reversed. I am 29 yrs transgendered ftm confused and haven't started any sort of transition yet because I cannot bare it for the same reasons as you. At least not yet. It has gotten to be so severe that I hate leaving the house. Social situations freak me out unless it's 1 on 1. Otherwise I feel like I'm not "acting" right and things get extremely uncomfortable.
Anyway, I suppose we just take things day by day. I glad I joined the forum today so at least I have some people to talk to hear. It's nice to see that there are other people out there feeling the same way.
Hang in there. Things will get better for us. Just takes time

 

Maybe you should see a therapist that can help you through this, or are you already?? I have OCD, and I know it can make you think about a lot of things you don't really want to think about...and it can make you DO a lot of things you feel stupid for...I don't have any experience in transgender issues but I can say that you can concentrate on the oustide of your body all day, but thats not where your real issues are...I think you should learn to not care so much about what you look like, and don't let it define you...
Body dysmorphic disorders are often diagnosed with OCD...for my whole life I had this strange obsession that the right side of my face was evil, and that because of this it meant I had a split personality (left side good, right side bad) I know how rediculous that sounds..In therapy I learned that my mind was playing tricks on me, and that I didn't have to keep obsessing about these things. I learned techniques to stop the depression and anxiety and even my thoughts started improving...
GOOD LUCK and hang in there. Find somewhere to get help.