This is something I'm working on. I just wrote it 5 minutes ago. It's not arranged into verses and I'm pretty sure none of it rhymes either. But that's how most of my poems start out...free write. Then I either make it rhyme of just arrange it into stanzas. Anyway...here it goes. Please tell me what you think...don't be afraid of being too harsh!!! It's about a guy I used to date. Untitled I thought I was over you. I thought I had moved on. But today I thought of you and what we used to have-what we used to be.I realized how much I still love you.I never had a dream come true until I met you. But that dream is quickly becoming my worst nightmare. Because I know I can't have you back. You're still with the girl who I thought was my best friend. Oh, and by the way, tell her I got her knife out of my back in case she wants it. Everytime I see you two together I can't help but to cry. She asked if it was okay to date you but if she was really my friend she would've been able to tell I was lying. So I guess I'll just have to push my tears aside and lie. And I guess I'll just have to look away when I know I can't hold back my tears anymore. You've moved on and I know I should too but I just can't because the truth is-I still love you. And I know it's a little clique and played out but no matter what I do I can't seem to get you out of my head. I've tried almost everything. Maybe the only way to get you out is with a bullet because we both know I'm just looking for a love I'll never find and I'm still in love with someone who will never love me again. So what do you think? Be honest!! Remeber I'm not totally done with it yet! That's why I want your guy's imput. Thanks!
It's not bad, I just wish you'd explored it more. I understand poetry is about expression and this kind of event happens to a lot of people. So on the merits of self expression it's perfect just as is. From a writing criticism point of view though, I think it's lacking "your voice". It's like every other piece that deals with this topic. But I think you could make it more... perhaps when you move it out of free write? A small diction problem: clique = small social group I assume from context you meant to use cliche? I think you need to decide whether you're writing this piece to help deal with your situation and just express your feelings, or whether you want to write it to make it a piece of poetry. What direction you take it in will be dictated by your answer. Don't be afraid to experiment! Make it your own. So your boyfriend is a scumbag and so is your ex-best friend; but what else besides the social normals of this situation make it meaningful and a learning experience; why is this experience for you worthy of a piece of poetry?
yeah I did mean cliche...thanks for the input! I'll try to use that when I' re-writing it. thanks alot!
I'll post the fixed version once I fix it up and stuff. I think this was just trying to get my feelings out...I'll eventually make it into a poem and edit and stuff.
