20-Year-Old Son Smoking Pot

Also i agree with what others said about kicking your son out. I doubt much good would come from that. It is a big deal but like phenix said, it could be much worse. It's just not worth serving that much rejection to him. You might not see kicking him out as rejection, but as someone close to his age, I can say i would if my parents did it to me.

In my opinion, your rules are pretty easy to live by, "just not in my house" right? He should be able to deal with that, but be if he won't and continues to smoke in your house, consider compromise, on both your parts, before you consider kicking him.

 

He is not a teenager. If you're going to do something illegal, the least you can do is do it outside of you're parents house. There's no reason to bring other people down with you.

I think kicking him out is a little harsh, but not wholly unreasonable.

 

Hes not dependant on it, marijuana is not addictive (scientificly proven). He is just doing it probably to relief stress. And not to feel like an ass, but he has most likely been smoking in ur house for years now. He has just came to the conclusion that he doesnt give a shit, and you should just accept him for who he is and what he does. Oh and if hes not doing anything stupid while high, you really have no worries about him getting caught.

 

There are consequences to actions. You have told him that if he wants to bring certain things into your home, he will not be welcome there any more. If you have been clear about the consequences then all you can do is enforce it. If you do not show your son that there are consequences in life, someone will, and it's better to learn it from someone who loves you than someone who will kill or jail you.

 

Yeah Albatron, the rules are pretty easy, "Not in my house". You also mentioned about the loss of financial aid. Had that discussion a while back with him. My son learns the hard way. He is headstrong and thinks he knows it all. We have had another discussion regarding his smoking at home. I told him I was not demanding he stop smoking pot. I just want him to be respectful of my wishes and not do it in my house. I did not bring up that if he does it again I would make him leave. Consequences were never discussed. It was all about respect and that regardless if it is him or a guest, I cannot have anyone smoking pot in my house.

Things have been well since, but sometimes I still feel like the anvil is hanging over my head and the roadrunner is one MeepMeep away.

 

Rules rules rules..the world is full of them. The rules about drugs are pretty clear in most workplaces: One positive UA and u are gone. We just had a manager with a alot of talent get fired over this. Not to mention its against the law and a drug conviction can mean loss of drivers license..loss of job..and being unable to get a lease or public assistance.

 

The main problem is that if he gets arrested for pot he will lose his eligibilty for student money and certain jobs. So he needs a safe place to smoke pot. He considers home that place. it probably is the safest place he can be while smoking pot. On the other hand it is concievable that you could lose your house if he is arrested for pot in your house, especailly if he is selling. Yep they have abolished the eight, fifth and fourth amendments to the constitution. You might explaine these things to the drug addled fool you have for a son.

 

To all the people who are saying kick him out for smoking pot --- you are all fucked up in the head. I'm guessing none of you were ever kicked out of your house, and know how fucked up it is. I was at age 14 and its harmful I can imagine at any age. I do not advocate that.

Have you thought about the fact that your son is going to want to alter his consciousness at this point in his life, no matter what you do, and weed is much safer? It has never killed anyone, whereas alcohol is very toxic. You are safer smoking inside since it's illegal, and you CANNOT get in trouble or lose your house because your son has a bag of weed.

You could be a little more open minded, and actually form a realistic, responsibility based relationship with your son if you ask me...

 

Here's a tip that I would want my kids to know if they were smoking. Go to www.norml.org and you can find the laws in your state. In most states if you have around an ounce or less, it is a misdemeanor. Possessing or selling amounts higher than the set line as well as growing anything are felonies. Asset forfeiture doesnt come into play until it is an enterprise, such as commercial grow op or large volume dealer. Nobody is worried about a 20 year old stoner with an eighth of weed, and forcing him to smoke outside or in the car puts him at higher risk for an encounter with law enforcement. We (smokers) already have society against us, family issues makes it worse. If it were my son I would be tolerant and understanding of it, but enforce responsible use and try to offer support in ways that might help him avoid serious dependence or dependence on harsher chemicals.

Whats happened with the fucked up prohibition laws is that people dont parent with reason when it comes to drug use. they parent based on a dogmatic, criminal justice approach to completely normal, even healthy, behavior.

 

Can't resist responding to this thread, regardless of it's age

WVHippie:
For your info…weed is 100% addictive, although the addiction is mental. The scientific studies you referred to are referring to a lack of physical addiction as in; heroin or meth. Do not doubt this. I sold weed for over 10 years and have been burning for 17 now. Let there be no doubt about it my friend.

Anni & Drummin Mama:

I believe you are wrong about legal ramifications. He is 20 years old and you are in no way responsible if he is found with drugs, whether in the home or not. If he was caught for distribution and the courts were able to prove that he was paying part of the mortgage…then you’d have a problem. But seeing as he’s not paying and not selling, your 100% safe.

Disclaimer: If he was a minor things would be different. Although in reality we’d still have to be talking about paying part of the mortgage and or parental knowledge of drug sales.

Anni:

Your son is nearly finished with college. You have worked way to hard raising him to not get to experience the joy and pride of watching him graduate. His financial future will be officially secure and your job as a parent will have been accomplished with flying colors. You’ve obviously done quite a job of raising him. Trust me; things could be a lot worse. I take the fact that he is successful in college as a damn near 100% guarantee that you have nothing to worry about.

I assume he is now back at school for the fall semester. Got an update for us?

 

Hi Everyone -

Salmon4me, thanks for posting what you did. It hit home.

My son is back in school, working his (anatomical) butt off this semester, complaining about how hard it is, but loving it.

It was an interesting summer, to say the least. The whole pot-not-in-my-house thing just could not sit well with me, and it still doesn't. However, he's been good about it and has not smoked in the house...that I know of. He was not too bright trying to hide it as the remnants of a burnt joint could be seen on his window sill which is newly painted Benjamin Moore semi-gloss blinding white. I am now more worried he will become addicted to pot (psychologically) since the pressures of school have increased. He will be 21 in the spring and then I can worry myself right into a padded psych ward when he becomes old enough to drink legally. Pot will be looking good at that point, won't it? Does this site have a thread for THAT? If so, I'm there.

Since he's been at college, he's called quite often and we IM each other almost daily, even if it's just me checking to see if he's still alive. I can't control what he chooses to partake in, as 'deviate' stated above in a post, "to alter his consciousness". He's now 20, his brain has a loooong way to go before sanity and adult reasoning set in, yet he knows it all, so he sees no problem with pot. Yes, it can be a LOT worse. I just hope and pray he doesn't blow it all by doing something stupid.

You are right, Salmon4me - I've worked way too hard to get my son where he is today, and he's worked pretty hard himself. 95% of who he is makes me proud. I suppose that's a pretty good deal! Just today a friend e-mailed me and told me of a battle she had with her 19-year-old son when she found out what he did while she and her husband left him alone for a weekend. I was surprised at her reaction to his actions, as they were typical 19-year-old goofy things, but to her and her values, they were huge, and now he is no longer living there. I haven't written back to her because I don't know what to say.

Other than the pot issue, my son and I got along quite well this summer. His plate is full this semester with a heavy course load and a job on campus. He lives in an apt. on campus with 5 other guys. I have learned to wait out in the hall or only go straight to his room when I pick him up/drop him off because I nearly went blind from the stroke I had when I walked in last year and saw the rest of the apartment.

My son has goals and dreams and seems focused on making them come true. In the mean time, this parenting crap is going to kill me.

Glad to see so many people responded to my original post. What a great help this site was to the small town, straight-laced, mom of a stoner.

 

Unfortunately, you're wrong. She mentioned her husband (the guys father) was an alcoholic. That shits hereditary. If he has that gene, he could be in for trouble. But, there's nothing mom can do about that except educate.

First thing you did wrong (mom) was to be '100% against drugs and alcohol.' You've let him know that he shouldn't use alcohol or drugs at all. You've probably told him it only leads to trouble. He now knows that isn't true. He's smoked and/or used other drugs and nothing has happened. If fact, he feels great afterwards. Until he gets hooked on the high and checks out of reality. It sounds like this dude hasn't a chance. If he uses too much, it will be out of guilt because he's been taught drugs and alcohol are bad. That's not a good setup for someone to live down.

 

I am someone who enjoys the use of marijuana but I am behiund you 100% it is your house (Home) you have set down the ruels which you wish to abided and your son broke them. You were right to caution him and at the age of 20 he should have come to know that this is your house not his and that what you have set a rules he should abide by. You were in my opinion right, If he wishes to take drugs he should do it outside of your home

 

Im not gonna lecture you, but pot is good for you. Tools will believe that they want.

Quote: "I cannot control what he does outside of my home and I don't even try. I told him whatever consequences befall him are his and his alone. He is old enough to make his own decisions, right or wrong"

That is you answer. You are saying that you cant control his actions, dont want to, and wont, and yet you want to. This is contradictrary.

 

20 year old kids shouldn't be living at home anyway.

 

wow... um, why are you on a hippy forum? just because there's a law, doesn't mean its right

 

I dont think she is unreasonable though.

 

Her home her rules... she needs not justify them.

 

Well, I don't really blame him. How can you admit to having black and white thinking, and yet continue to be close minded. You seem far too reliant on the laws and you seem to worship them without question. No offense, but I'm guessing you're a republican christian.
What I'm trying to say is, your son is smart and has basic human rights, regardless of what the LAW says. And the LAW is not neccesarily right.
You also seem caught up in maintaining the MOM image. The thing is though, you already have. He loves you. Isn't that what matters? How do you want to be remembered; the open minded, loving, understanding mother, or the tough conservative rules mother? I will tell you right now, I am not a bad person, people who smoke are not bad people. They are some of the kindest, warmest, nicest, most loving compassionate people out there. Be there for him, don't cage him. What is more important; principles and proving a point, or being open minded and compassionate?

 

Getting stoned and eating cheezies isn't a basic human right, its a waste of time.