A random poem...

its not my best...an suggestions on how to improve it?


The whole world has gone crazy
my heart feels drugged and lazy
as you take it
with you then you break it
over and over agian
what was my sin
to deserve this pain
to make this stain
on my soul
to make a hole
in my barely beating heart
my mind torn apart.

All because of what you call love
is what I call a shove
in the wrong direction
staring back at my broken reflextion
that has been made
my soul begins to fade
from the "I love you"s that we exchanged
but everything has to change
my world has been jaded
it has faded
into the nothingness
there is no more happiness
inside of me
only the pain you see
sometimes hidden behind a fake smile
it makes you think im ok for awhile.

 

Try to not use rhyming couplets, try having a rhyme/non rhyme/rhyme stucture.

Tom xxx

 

ok thanks ive got a few like that but they arent really finished yet so i put this one up

 

Yeah cool, just keep writing, talk laters.
Tom xxx

 

k thanks bunches

 

You really are a talented girl

 

thanks i kno...lol not to sound conceited cuz im not

 

lol poetry is an art, use the art

 

I think you need to balance out how the sentences sound , you could do well with either a rhyme / rhyme , or rhyme/non-rhyme/rhyme structure .. but don't just depend on the rhyming words, take the whole sentence into consideration.

lol I hope that made any sense to you

 

flows like crap because of how hard you try to rhyme it and how much you break up the sentences into lines

 

thanks for the critisism ill take it and try to better my other stuff but as for this one its kind of hopeless

 

try to ease up on it, and really let how you feel out
don't try to force any real style upon it
whether you think it's artsy or if it sounds good doesn't matter at first

maybe you can fancy it up later, but the important thing is to really get how you feel out first
worry about style once you learn that

 

yo blackheart, I ain't gonna go tellin you how to write, tho verbally direct feedback helps, so I will tell you that it makes me smile that you decided to write at all, in my earlier days, on the streets, my routines consisted of eating bags of stale donates, picking tics off of my body and drafting by the hundreds, works that now get recognition of legendary stars from private reviewers.

All it takes is reaching the stride, however fluent you speak it, or merely visit it.
Peace.

 

again very true, very true, and again as you take a look out into the world, does it not make you wonder who we really are?

 

ive seen better from you but this one isnt horrible

 

For me it's best to save that thought proces for when I'm masterbating.
It's a healthy study.